My recently diagnosed ADHD Husband does work at things and does complete them HOWEVER he will work on them day and night (without sleep) until he completes them and usually ends up frustrated and miserable!
Last night he started to plow our driveway at 5:00pm and didnt come in until 1:00am! It looked to me that he completed everything around 6:30 (our driveway was done!) but then he said he wanted to go plow the pond for skating (which I thought was unnecessary but I didn't say anything because he always has justification for WHY he wants to do unnecessary things). Then he comes in around 9:00pm completely frustrated because (of coarse) he ended up getting stuck out at the pond as it had now started to rain and everything got slushy. Once unstuck (an hour later), he went to the barn and a pile of snow from the roof fell and" locked him in the barn" and when he was trying to pull the door shut after shoveling himself out, the door handle broke off. Well by then you can imagine how frustrated he was because he now had to fix the door handle because "if the door didn't close it would break off from the wind". Then he proceeds to try and pack down the snow by driving the truck back and forth. I could tell he was getting closer and closer to the ditch so I tried to call him in before he gets stuck. Nope! He go stuck. Then hes trying to get his truck out at 12:00am making roaring noises from the trucks engine and spitting dirt all over the yard and on the house! He of coarse, "had to pack down the snow with the truck because by the morning everthing would be iced and needed to get into that one spot on the driveway". (Keeping in mind he already plowed the entire driveway already and everything looked great to me). Hes so stubborn and wont listen to reason, gets frustrated when it ends up not going well or takes too long, comes in the house miserable then I just go go to bed (because he is taking so long) and so I don't have to deal with his frustration. I have long since given up trying to provide suggestion and reason because he ALWAYS has a reason to do it his way.
This is just one instance. I cant even count the number of times this type of snowball situation has happened. Starts off with one small goal, it turns into a snowball of one thing to do another thing to do another thing... and so on...
I don't know if this is just him or if this is characteristic of other people with ADHD? Any thoughts?
Crazy making chaotic projects
Submitted by jennalemone on
This happens OFTEN here too. Something that should take one hour takes the entire day. Then, something that needed to be done isn't done because of the inconsequential thing that took all day. And they play the "poor me, these man things must be done and these things are soooooo important" stance. Why should this bother us? Because I am left to take care of everything else while H is outside fussing with his machine/truck/tractor/mower/shovel handle/crossword puzzle/fun neighbor/garbage/who knows where he is...or spending the entire day driving to all the hardware stores to "find a part" because he doesn't call on the phone to check where to get it first (or is that just the story while he sits having coffee or something somewhere?).
After this becomes routine for every Saturday, it becomes clear that he is "getting out of" doing something with/for the family/you and that you are left with doing it all the house/family stuff by yourself even though you earn as much as or more than they contribute to the finances. In our minds, their fussing seems to be more like an excuse to do what they want to do and our attempts at sharing/caring become, to them, as nagging. If we say anything about this....WWIII begins and there is yet another shouting match. Which doesn't happen anymore because I have stopped all arguing with him, since he only lies and is sarcastic in an argument anyhow.
I am embarrassed that I am the wife of someone who, it seems, cannot get from point A to point B without everything being a big issue and problem. So I am left with the choice of being someone I don't want to be (his disciplinarian/instructor/mommy) or disconnecting and letting the chips fall as they do on him...on us. I have been choosing to disconnect and letting the chips fall for now.
I have also stopped all
Submitted by SG on
I have also stopped all nagging and have committed to letting things go as they will. I don't like nagging and he doesn't like me nagging, so I, like you, decided that if he doesn't take care of what he needs to take care of then we will just have to suffer the consequences of the non action. A good example was this summer, he couldn't ( more like he didn't want to) mow the lawn so our grass grew super long and we ended up getting snakes in our house and in our well. This caused a whole other set of problems! I didn't like to look of our lawn but I ever said a word. I did mention at the end of it all that "perhaps we should make sure next summer to cut the lawn so that we don't get snakes". He agreed. lol We will see what happens next summer. I realized that I feel better that im not "nagging" him all the time over non important things. Im lucky that for really important stuff (like picking up the children on time etc) he always comes through.
The downside to disconnecting is that he feels like im pulling away. He has often said that he feels distant from me, but in actuality its me trying not to be overly concerned about what hes doing/not doing. His view is I don't care. I am going to have to try and get it across that its not that I don't care, im just trying not to care too much.
"It's not that I don't care,
Submitted by jennalemone on
"It's not that I don't care, im just trying not to care too much." You got it. Because caring too much leaves you needy and sad and lonely when you are tied to someone who wants to be left alone. But some of us have hearts that yearn to love and connect, so we must find our own connections and not judge ourselves unreasonably.
The secret to success....*
Submitted by c ur self on
("It's not that I don't care, I'm just trying not to care too much.")
The thinking behind this statement is the doorway to freedom for those who are married to a person who thinks and lives so differently than one's own self....In question form I would describe it this away....What must happen in my life in order for me to live Peacefully, and still Love (never be Co-dependent, never enable, and never point out the difference's in our realities) my spouse no matter the circumstance?
The answer for me in this search is to recognize and accept that there will be very little we can peacefully discuss or share of any importance....We do OK with simple unimportant things where ownership of one's own actions doesn't come into play...
The reason so many non's suffer with this is because we desire oneness, closeness, and attention....We desire a beautiful engaging marital relationship, where all we give is returned in kind....
But, we must accept their living of life and priorities, just as we defend our own ways, and get comfortable in spirit with the reality of the product...No matter the limitations (in our minds) that is being produced in our attempts at oneness....