Im a first time poster, and, like Im sure many of you, I am tearing my hair out over my spouses symptoms. Every day, all day, his symptoms are a problem. I have been lurking on this site for a while, and I really appreciate that a lot of you know exactly how it is. I feel awful but comforted, if that makes any sense, and Im really sorry that you-- whoever you are-- are in a position to know. I wouldnt wish this on anyone. I need to vent, so take this for what it's worth okay? Im not saying Im completely right, nor that he's completely wrong. I understand that no one is perfect. But... since Im telling this from my side.... here we go.
Yeah, my husband is a great guy-- to everyone else. Just you know, not to me, the person who is supposed to matter most to him. I believe he means well, and Ill give him credit for that, but he never follows through, expects to be praised lavishly for absolutely no action at all, then gets defensive, mean, and verbally abusive when I point out that he doesnt really deserve praise for doing something if he (dun dun dun!) hasn't done it. If I want an apology for letting me down in that regard, I get an "Im sorry youre so oversensitive". Thats NOT an apology, my friends. Thats blaming. There's no responsibility taken at all for his actions, his inactions, the hurt, inconvenience or disappointment he causes. Somehow, it's all my fault. If I had kept him on task... but if I try, he wont do it because Im nagging. If only I had reminded him, but then I get yelled at for doing that, because I didnt do it at a time that was good for him or in a tone that he approved of ("Hey, could you please..?" is offensive, abusive, and completely unacceptable, apparently). He stresses me out constangtly, then demands I not be stressed out, because he doesnt like being around me when I am.
We disagree constantly, and while I am very frustrated and occasionally get harsh, I do try to think about what I say and how I say it. If I am unduly harsh, I apologize immediately, because that kind of thing deserves an apology, you know? It's harder and harder though, because Im always walking on eggshells. If he clearly has misunderstood, and I say, "Oh, I think I didnt word that right, because it seems to me that you've misunderstood what I was getting at", he feels free to curse at me and call me every name in the book for ... get this... calling him stupid (Wait...), telling him that he cant do anything right (what?) and not just admitting that what he thinks is the problem is actually the problem (I don't even...). There is NO way to talk to that man without getting yelled at and then him cutting the conversation off because of his perception that any disagreement equals unbridled, undeserved hostility.
When I try to speak to him-- calmly, rationally, and using every last bit of patience I have-- I get talked over. I gently point out that he doesnt like it when I interrupt, and Id appreciate if he wouldnt interrupt me, and then, oh dear, the fight is ON. That, to him, means that I dont respect his adhd, that I am demanding that he just "get over" his disability to make myself comfortable, that I am being selfish/controlling/demanding and that he, again, can never do anything right. Then, surprise of all surprises, I get obscenities screamed at me for being such an insensitive you-know-what about something he cant help, and then, to *punish* me, he ignores me for hours. He makes a big production (isnt everything a production) over how he isnt perfect, yet seems to find it a-ok that he demand nothing short of perfection from me.
Its such a double standard. He doesnt have to have patience. He can yell and scream. He can drop the ball on any issue and Im supposed to praise him for the mere fact that he agreed to take care of an issue, though he didnt actually do anything. Yet, in the meantime, I get more work, I get yelled at, I get sworn at, I get accused of everything under the sun, and he has zero patience at all. Im not a spouse. Im not a partner. Im a servant who exists only to make his life better.
For example, I was dead on my feet after 2 hours of sleep yesterday and thirteen hours of house cleaning/renovations. We have company coming and there are a ton of last minute things to do. I was literally falling asleep at the dinner table, and he offered to do the dishes. I agreed and thanked him profusely for taking that off my plate, so to speak, then immediately after dinner, I went to bed. I woke up this morning to find that he hadnt done a thing. The dishes had dried on gunk, and what wouldve taken him 30 mins to wash at the time took me 2 hours. I brought it up, and ultimately, I was told that he didnt want (his wants! So many wants!) to have that conversation with me, because he *meant* to do it. I didnt drop it. I told him that I wasnt going to go unheard and I was sad and disappointed and frustrated, at which point he called me a petty b-- and told me to f-- off, and that he hated me. I intellectually understand that he feels defensive and that he just doesnt have any reasonable coping strategies, but it's impossible not to take this personally. I do not, and will not, excuse this behavior.
I know this isnt just ADD or ADHD. I know there are plenty of folks with ADD or ADHD who arent complete jerks.... but, alas, my spouse is not one of those people. I hate to admit this, but he's just awful, and every time he opens his mouth to defend himself against a percieved slight or to tell me that I dont actually feel the way I do (because thats not what he intended and his intentions are all that matter), I find myself less and less open to loving him. I believe every person is worthy of love and respect, and I would love to see him get that love and respect, but not at the expense of me or the kids. He and his feelings are important, but no more or less important than anyone else's.
I know this may surprise some of you ( just kidding, it wont) but he wasnt like this before we got married. Hyperfocus, and all that. I feel tricked into marrying someone I NEVER would have even accepted a second date with if he acted then like he acts now. And, again with no big surprise, I resent him greatly for that. He's like a child. If I had wanted another child, Id have gotten pregnant and had one, not married one. Hes medicated, and feels that his job in controlling his anger and irresponsibility is done, and anything left over is my doing.
Honestly, my relationship sucks. I want out, but, a small part of me still wants to try before I throw in the towel and bid him adieu. Where the heck do I go from here?