I feel so beaten down today. Today I could walk out my front door and never look back. Everything is a project. Nothing is smooth or easy. I have gained 25+ pounds for a grand total weight of 170 pounds. That is in the last year. Oldest son, turning 17 tomorrow, OD'd in January and got out of rehab in late February. He has been clean for 138 days. Youngest son, 14-freshman, has Asperger's and is doing terribly in school. We had a family session with me, DH and oldest son today as part of his recovery. Oldest son is pretty astute and says we should have gotten a divorce four years ago--that would be when DH had a suicide plan and three other women on the side, none of which oldest son knows. Then 4 years ago after that he moved out for 6 months, 4 of which I didn't even know where he was living. Then there is all the medical bills that are in my name because I hold our insurance because DH has been unemployed so many times. My credit is somewhere in the 500s but his is great. You know how I know? He now has not one, not two but FOUR credit cards. Every once in a while I snoop because I always find out stuff and sure enough--testosterone and muscle building supplements. And we have had sex two times in the past 12 months. And a brand new silver watch in his dop kit. He has been saying he wants a new watch but that we cannot afford it right now. I googled this one--$200. So not a ton, but still. Then there are the bills from rehab and now the follow up counseling which is $175 a session not covered by insurance. There is just no letting up. Ever. I am exhausted all the time. Overweight. I have a bulging disc and spinal stenosis that makes walking or working out impossible. I am 45 years old and OLD and worn out. If I have to have back surgery that is just more bills we cannot afford, but I cannot NOT have the outlet of working out and the self confidence of looking decent. Two years ago I was 140. Right now the only things that keep me going are cookies and tea. And DH maintains that his ADHD is under control. He is the most inefficient person I have ever seen. He is neither on meds nor seeing a counselor despite how many times I say I think he needs it. In the family session today oldest son said is so quiet in the house. How do I tell him it's because I cannot think of a single thing to say to his dad any more. How do I tell him that I feel trapped and lonely and like my life has been a waste. That I made a bad choice 21 years ago and now we are all stuck with it. How do I tell him that if I had any self respect left I would ask his father to leave and never contact me again. How do I tell him that I am not the person I used to be any longer, that I don't care about anything except getting him and his brother raised and out so they can have a more satisfying life than I have. The irony is we are not actually fighting, it's pretty calm. Because I don't care enough to fight about anything any more. DH goes out of town often for work. I wonder if he has someone on the side, with the testosterone and all. It's not for me after all. I would be so happy if he found someone. I could stop feeling so damn guilty all the time about not caring what he does. I could stop feeling so damn terrified all the time that he is going to have another break down and leave. And so secretly hopeful that if he did decide to leave again I could justifiably say WE'RE DONE because no one would think poorly of me for putting my foot down after a second time. The first time it was poor him-depression, exhaustion, PTSD from the war and childhood abuse. No one knew about the other women. What kind of monster kicks her husband out under those circumstances?? I am just unrecognizable to myself at this point and there is no way out and I am not entirely sure it's all ADHD. What if he's just a bad guy? Too damaged by his abusive childhood to be an adult? I almost don't even care any more. I just want to be alone.