I have ADHD, diagnosed for over 10 years. I take medication - I also have lupus. These two things combined along with my general inability to fix anything are destroying my marriage. My husband is tired of me - and rightfully so. We are living apart for the 2nd time, after being married 5 years. We have 6 children between us, but none together. I can't get it together. He is tired of waiting for me to change. Tired of my lack of follow through. Tired. I'm not suicidal, but I'm pretty damn close. I don't want to live this chaotic life, but I don't know how to fix it. We don't have the money for a coach, and our insurance doesn't cover it. I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know how to swim. I'm a smart woman - full scholarship to law school and great hyperfocus at times. But I don't know how to be a wife, at least now the way my husband wants and deserves. All I do is disappoint him (and myself).
I wish I was "normal", or at least understood normal, whatever that is. I didn't even know I could feel this sad. I'm not even sure why I'm posting, except that I can't just keep crying. Maybe it is time to just get divorced and be alone. I don't know anymore.
You have children and you're in law school?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
If so, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate as it is.
What is your H expecting? What does he think that you should be doing but aren't doing?
<< general inability to fix things<<<
What are you expected to fix?
Thank you for responding...I feel very alone
Submitted by Poor excuse 4 a wife on
I am actually a lawyer now, but managed to get through lawschool as a single mom. I do pretty well alone - it's relationships of any sort that I just can't seem to navigate well. My husband gets mad that I am not proactively a good stepmother. I am not a superstar mom, but I manage. It is only me and my 7 year old daughter at my house, so I am not torn in a million directions. But the idea of adding my husbands kids (who are not physically present with me) into my mindset without prompting is just so unnatural to me. So he thinks that I don't love them because I don't show enough interest. But for me, just keeping up with the absolute basics of my life is overwhelming. Trying to add more in...I don't know how. And I would love to get a coach but can't afford one. I lost my great job back in March, and just had to take a substitute teaching position to try to survive. I'm excited to start something new, but again, I'm overwhelmed. My husband told me today he doesn't know if or when I will be improved enough for us to reconcile and live under the same roof again. I'm just so sad to know that the person I love is so hurt by me, when all I ever intend to do is add positive things to his life. He told me that the way my brain works within our marriage hurts him and his kids. I just feel like I suck. And I don't know how not to.
The children must see you two putting each other first....
Submitted by c ur self on
Not everyone can do what he wants...When we got married my two daughters were grown and married....She had two son's 16 and 21....The 21 year old was on his own, the 16 year old was with us until his second year of Jr college....She had so many insecurities because they never had a Dad to love them...She thought I would be the answer, she was and is such an enabler I have had to fight that the whole way, Just to try and speak into their lives to be responsible adult men...They both have symptoms of add....A marriage is about two being one, and putting each other first in this life....When someone has the assurance of that kind of love dealing with children and step children can be a good life....You two just cannot put a bunch of expectations on each other, and if the children aren't made to mind and respect both spouses....It will never work out in any kind of healthy way...
C.
I think your H is unreasonable.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
You're a full time worker and a mom, and your H expects you to parent his FIVE kids, too?? Those are his responsibility. Sounds like he just wants a live in nanny.
I highly doubt that if YOU were the one bringing FIVE kids into the marriage that he'd be the devoted hands on father to your five kids.
I think he's making you feel guilty because you're not the unpaid nanny to his kids.
Where is THEIR mother?
Seriously, he's the one who brought the unbalanced situation into the marriage. You brought ONE child and he brought FIVE....and he's pointing fingers at you for not doing enough? lol He should be thanking his lucky stars that ANY woman took him and his situation on.
His expectations are too high. You're an attorney, not a SAHM who has a history of being "mom to the world."
I don't like your screen name, I bet ur Awesome!
Submitted by c ur self on
You sound a lot like my wife, except you seem nicer...LOL.....She has ADD also we have 4 grown children, non-together...Don't be so down on yourself...The fact you can c ur self and feel you need to make changes is more than many:) You did not ask for ADHD.
There are others on this site who deal with the same things you do, and can really help you...My wife and I have been married 7yrs...and after 4.5 we were separated 11 months, 8.5 months of counseling..We still have issues like you're saying about y'all, but, its some better this time....Acceptance is the Key for me and your husband...And, awareness and learning to recognize what behaviors are intrusive to the point of damaging the relationship; and work on those is key for you and my wife...
Normal's are not the same for every mind...Here is my suggestion: Start with a few things that you know is causing the marriage to be difficult...Write the worst two or three things down on several pieces of paper....Put one by your bed, in your purse, make it your screen saver, take an erasable marker and write them on your bathroom mirror, until they get to be second nature...Self awareness is key, these notes will help keep the thought in your head...So if you suffer from distraction or short term memory lapses, it will still be right in front of you....DO NOT put more than than the two or three things...or you will get overwhelmed and want try....
If my wife was going to do this...1) work on time management 2) live Interdependent, and not Independent, be married or leave....3) Complete what I start, and never leave a work area or room, without a quick look back survey to see what I'm leaving for my husband to deal with.
Those three would change her life and mine:)....OK maybe just one or two thing on the list to begin with...Please don't be so hard on yourself, just do your best....
I will pray for you!
C