So done, so sad.....Need some words of wisdom/encouragement

I haven’t posted to this site in a very long time. I am the non-adhd spouse in my marriage. I The long and short of it is that I married a person, who at the time and unbeknownst to me, was hyper focusing on me. I thought that I was joining my life to a man who was engaging and funny and thought that the moon and sun rose and set on me. This was very appealing to me because I am co-dependent and insecure. The constant attention, reassurance and emotional overload was JUST what I’d always dreamed of. As a co-dependent I look for love and approval outside myself and he fit the bill to the “t”. Honeymoon over, got prego on the honeymoon, had beautiful daughter and went on about life. About 3 months after we married, when I told him I was pregnant all bets were off and the ADHD moved in to stay and was in charge of our life. I realized what was up when I found some old papers of his, grammer school stuff detailing his ADHD diagnosis and such. Nothing was ever done for him and I feel horrible about that. Lets zoom forward to the spring of 2009. What I really married was a person who is indeed funny but inappropiately so, an attention seeker, emotionally unavailable, a computer addict, constantly needing outside stimulation, childlike, irresponsible, etc. In April of 2009 I was done. I was not settling for a relationship where I was not valued, where I was ignored, undersexed, treated as optional, made to act like a single parent…all while he was ENGROSSED in video gaming and puttering in his workshop. He has always held a job, thank goodness. Has a wonderful work ethic. I told him that I was emotionally detaching from him, that we would live under the same roof as long as it was healthy and we would share living expenses but I was no longer his “wife” by definition and I could not love someone who gave me so little in return..it simply hurt too badly and I was worth more than that. He sank into depression, talked about ending life and became enraged one night and I took DD and we left to my mom’s. I stayed there for 3 months. I listened to DD cry herself to sleep every single night and beg to go back home and finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I HAD to go back and make it work. She should not pay for me being unable to cope. She didn’t pick this man, I did. To her, life at home was awesome. We live in a very low conflict marriage and apart from the dysfunction of very little contact, she saw two very engaged people, felt loved and all was well. By the time I had gone back, he was in a full on affair. I stayed the course, he eneded the affair and we got back to the way things were. He got on meds, we also started seeing an ADHD coach. It’s now two years later and I’m again back to that place I was in 2009. We have no intimate or sex life to speak of. Our lives are geared around his wants, needs, projects, time, space needed, money needed….you name it. Without knowing it, I’ve slipped back into the old habits. I’ve become focused on his needs to the exclusion of my own. I have done 12 step work in the past and I’ve gotten away from it. There is a voice in my head that is saying “You are worth so much more than this”. It gets stronger each day. But then I think of my child crying and I indulge in my eating addiction to shut that strong girl up…and I stuff all my feelings back, tell myself that I’m not being understanding enough and I’m right back at square 1. 5 lbs heavier, desperately lonely, enraged, bitter, angry….sad enough to cry. And then I hear the voice again ‘You are worth so much more than this”…and the cycle continues. God I wish that I could just know in my heart of heart that, if I left, my daughter would be ok. Oh how I wish that I had a crystal ball. She is the only reason I stay. I have a good enough job, have no issue with needing to stay in my home or anything. Yes, it would be a struggle but I know I’d be ok. It purly for my daughter and my need to keep her in “one world”. I did a phone coaching session with our ADHD coach yesterday alone and she said that the choices I have to make are clear and very black and white. Go or stay…that’s it. I just kept saying “I just wish he were different”. Maybe I can find a way to stay and emotionally detach and live my own life without being entangled in his or effected by his lack of intimacy towards me. UGH….this is just a mess. Please, somebody tell me something…anything. Have any of you stayed because of the kids and then finally left and realized you should’ve done it years ago? As I said, this is LOW/NO conflict. She never sees us yell, argue, etc. She lives a very safe, happy life. But I also think she’s learning dynamics that I learned from watching my parents. That can’t be healthy, right? Oh God, please make this all go away. I want to know what it’s like to be irresponsible for one day. To not have the whole burden. To just live my life without the weight of the world on me. I want to be free.

Me too....

Gratitudeisky,

I am in the almost exact same situation.  I too am co-dependent and insecure.  I was treating my sadness from my husband's ADHD problems with food.  I am now treating it with exercise, and that has helped some.  My difference is that I stay at home to raise our two kids, one of which was diagnosed with ADHD.  I homeschool her because of her difficulties in the traditional classroom.  My hubby has a great work ethic but otherwise it's hit and miss at home.  We have very little conflict as well because I've emotionally withdrawn from him.  He is amazing with the kids and is a lot of fun for them.  I look like the boring bad guy all the time.  I feel guilty for not being happy in the large life we have here.  He is a physician and makes enough money for a big house etc.  It's true what they say about money not brining happiness.  I struggle to decide who gets to be happy, me or the kids?  (Leave or stay in current situation).  And what will happen to my ADHD daughter when I have to go back to work instead of homeschooling her?  Is it fair for me to do that to her?  Not in my opinion.  But it's also not fair for my kids to have a disconnected mom.  I'm writing all of this to say, thank you for posting your comment.  I know you were looking for wisdom and encouragement, but in doing so, you have provided comfort.  I no longer feel alone.  I will be praying for wisdom and discernment for the both of us.

I have talked with many friends about the situation over the years, and they all have said that kids are more perceptive than we give them credit for.  And yes, they learn the dynamic at their home and believe that's how it should be for them when they grow up.  Elisabeth Cubler Ross likened children to flowers; she said we can choose to shelter them, and when we are gone, the first storm that comes will crush them.  Or we can carefully and lovingly expose them to the elements of life a little at a time...and they will be strong and beautiful.  What I'm beginning to realize is that there is no perfect solution here.  There is pain in both situations.  For me, it means turning to God for wisdom.....I just wish He'd hurry up and give me a straight answer.

I wish i could help. I saw

I wish i could help. I saw two divorces as a child, i was 4 the first time and 11 the second time. There was plenty of conflict in both of my moms marriages and it still rocked my world. I hated my mom for taking my both my dads away. She was miserable, but then she married a real jerk and our relationship suffered even more. Perhaps a counselor could help you with talking to your daughter during the process after you have made your decision.