Submitted by Emmanic on 11/22/2011.
I am struggling so badly with this... I cant stop thinking about what DP is doing when I am not with him. And wishing I was just back home and everything was "normal"
I hate that he wont be honest with me about our relationship, I hate that he doesnt even seem to miss us, I hate that I seem to be the only one hurting and most of all I hate the extreme paranoia that is consuming my thought patterns.
I know that due to my codependency issues I NEED to focus on myself, but I just cant seem to do it...
HELP...
Acceptance Acceptance Acceptance
Submitted by SherriW13 on
You have to just ask yourself some very basic questions at this point...in addition to taking things ONE MINUTE at a time, if necessary. There is no other way to get through the anxiety otherwise. (aside from valium or booze...neither of which changes anything and CAN make things worse).
First, ask yourself if you have any control of the situation...more specifically HIM. When you realize you're simply out of luck when it comes to being able to control him, then you have to find some kind of peace about the situation as it is...right now. You can worry yourself SICK over what he's doing...or you can accept that it is out of your hands and resolve to somehow, someway dig deep down and find some peace about things.
Second, ask yourself if the 'worry' is out of balance in your relationship and if he is deserving of your worry. Is he sitting somewhere worried sick about you...missing you...to the point that he's ready to do the hard work so you can be together again? Or is he having his cake and eating it too?
I know how difficult it is to be feeling what you're feeling...my husband and I went through a 2 month separation. As time went on, i still wanted him home, but it got easier and easier to not have him here each day. Hang in there...find something to do to take your mind off of it...and realize what the CD book says "it isn't the end of the world. the only thing that is the end of the world is the end of the world". I know that sounds corny...and much easier said than done, but I have told myself that over and over and over and over again. I've told myself "even if he walked out the door and went and had sex with another woman it would not be the end of the world...I would not crumble and die...and life would go on". It took me a LONG time to get there...and I have valid reasons to worry about that...he has cheated...twice. But, it can be done. Keep your focus on YOU and getting stronger so that you can eliminate, or at least minimize, these kinds of days. ((((HUGS)))
Sherri, I commented sometime
Submitted by kutac on
Sherri, I commented sometime back about my situation. I have been married 52 years and have gone thru everything you say you have gone thru. I did everything all those years and he was so self-centered and cheated twice. I just wanted to say to you that he is getting help right now from an ADHD coach and she has done wonders. He is a completely changed husband. He has been helping me, he has been loving and kind and is really trying to change his behavior. He is very apologetic for all the pain he caused thru the years. I could not go thru another day living with someone who has ADHD. I am tired, exhausted, done, but after all these years, he is really aware of what he has put me thru and is making all the changes he can to make things right. I finally have hope that the rest of my life might be pleasant and happy. His coach has helped him realize he has been self-absorbed and he cannot expect to have a relationship if he continues on that path. When I read all of these blogs, I feel so sorry for all the non-ADHD spouses and I feel the pain they are enduring because I have been thru all of it, but if somehow the ADHD person is willing to get help, MAKE SURE THEY GET AN ADHD-trained coach when they seek help. That's the only way it will work. The sad thing is that you can't do anything about the situation until they are willing to work on it and so often they do think it is all your fault as one person expressed on here. My heart just goes out to each and everyone of you and I hope you do not have to wait 52 years for the ADHD spouse to seek help. However, I am thankful for the present situation and I wanted to let all of you know that life can get better and there is hope.