So Hard!

This is my first post and forgive me if I ramble but I've got no one to share this with.  I met my partner 6 months or so after my first marriage ended in 2007.  He is ten years younger than me, never married (although he had one long term relationship) and no kids.  I have three grown kids and three grandchildren.  We started living together in 2010 after my youngest child moved out on her own.  I noticed a lot of frustrating behaviors, never cleaning up after himself, leaving cupboard and closet doors open, doors unlocked, light on ect and chalked most of it up to the fact that he had never been married or had kids therefore just didn't think this stuff was important.  I noticed things like conversations with people were strange sometimes, he would abruptly change the subject to something he had researched and knew a lot about (hyper focusing) and didn't understand social cues that the other person wasn't interested.  I actually thought he might have a mild form of autism.  I began to feel that, what I know now is typical for the non-ADHD spouse, I was parenting another child.  I've seen examples of his hyper focusing a lot over the years- he would all of the sudden feel like writing a fictional story and for weeks he would spend every spare moment writing (including half the night) and then abruptly stop.  He would hyper focus on writing for a web site company regarding mobile devices, they sent him to conferences and sent him mobile devices to test and write about and that abruptly ended.  He owns his own business but is also hyper focused on that- he works 7 days a week usually, from 10 am when the shop opened to whenever he gets tired.  Taking a day off was torture for him- constantly on the phone with his staff, would insist he had to go in if things got busy rather than allowing his staff to handle it.  The finances for the business are a total mess but somehow he is still hanging in there with it.  Above his shop, he rents a suite as a staff room but it's outfitted with a bed ect so he started spending more and more nights there with the excuse that he had meetings (involved in politics locally) and it was too late to come home. 

Finally it all came to a head in December 2018 the day before Christmas when he told me he wasn't doing our usual Christmas - we would always go to a movie on Christmas eve then Christmas morning we would go to one of my kid's houses for breakfast (we all meet there) and then over and done there by noon and we would stop at his parent's house for a few hours on the way home.  His parents aren't in the best of health and he decided that he should go there for several days over Christmas.  And so he did.  And he never came back after that.  We didn't speak for a few weeks then he started texting me- we got pretty honest over text message with each other and I suggested counseling but he didn't ever want to do that.  After a few months of some pretty raw and painful conversations we started seeing each other a few times a week. That has gone on for pretty much the second half of 2019.  We would go out for dinner, watch movies and our recorded shows together.  I walked on eggshells never wanting to "set him off".  His hygiene, which has never been good, really got bad to the point where I could barely stand to be near him until he showered and washed his clothes.  We discussed this, and I told him if this is bothering me, how do you think your customers feel?  He admits that he knows he needs to do a better job of taking care of himself.  

Fast forward to September 2019- I read a tweet on twitter by someone who has adult ADHD and it was like being smacked in the face!  It was like this person was sitting in my house.  I started researching adult ADHD and realized that it is likely what is going on in our relationship.  I read several books that were recommended on this site and I became more and more convinced.  So I put together an email with some articles ect that really fit our relationship issues and sent it to him to read.  I talked to him a bit about it and explained that I would really appreciate if he read it and let me know what he thought.  Well, it took until the end of November for him to read it and he agreed that he definitely thought that ADHD was a strong possibility and he was willing to look in to it and get tested.  He asked if I could see if I could find a therapist that could do the testing so I researched and found three.  I sent him the links to the websites and left it with him to decide who he thought be the right fit for him.

 I really felt that maybe we were making some progress until last week.  Christmas is coming again, and I broach the subject.  I asked if he would consider spending Christmas eve with me and then I would drop him off at his parent's on the way to my kid's house early (like 7am) Christmas Day.  He danced around my request and never really answered. So the result is that I haven't seen him since Dec 21.  We talked on the phone a couple of times ,the last being the 24th mid day where he didn't say a word about what his plans were.  I got a single text on Christmas morning saying Merry Christmas with a smiley face which I did not reply to.  He unwillingness to compromise or even have a conversation about it left me so hurt.  I just cannot see any light in this relationship.  I've started packing up his stuff and have started composing a final email to him ending the relationship for good.  I've tried for the last year but it just seems like there is no reason to hold on any longer.  There has to be someone else out there for me, someone who wants to spend time with me, travel, do things together.  I'm so lonely.

If you've made it through this, thank you for reading.  I just feel better writing it all out.  Of course, there are many more things that I haven't shared.  Like many of you, I could probably write a novel about this!