My ADHD husband has more than just ADHD going on. He isn’t just having a hard time doing things. He also resents anything that cuts into his “me” time, which to him is anytime he isn’t at work. I know this because he says things straight out. I’m not putting words in his mouth
So on top of ADHD, he is also actually lazy and selfish. He glares at me or says nasty things when I say, “Could you please _______ for me today?” It really is like living with an entitled teenage boy.
For years I’ve just done everything myself, and if I couldn’t get to it, then it went undone. And in the past two years, I’ve come to realize just how hard life is with him and the toll it’s taking on me. And I see where he’s just living a sweet life - I do everything he doesn’t want to do (which includes parenting). In fact, even my thoughts on any subject make him angry. He isn’t even a decent person most of the time, whether he’s been asked to do something or not.
SO - door #1 -do I continue finding ways around him and just do everything by myself as best I can to avoid the stress of dealing with him, even though that enables him to continue being lazy and selfish?
OR - door #2 - do I ask him to do little things, which puts the kids and I right in his angry cross hairs, where we listen to ugly comments and barbs because he had to do something? (He’s already just unpleasant anyway, but asking him to do something results in more unpleasantness. Complaining the whole time, insulting me sometimes, or just being ugly and trying to manipulate me so I will feel bad.)
I know what the “right” thing to do is - ignore his ugliness when he had to do something, and ask anyway, because he has familial obligations and he chose to take them on. But I really don’t even want to deal with him anymore. I want to minimize my interactions because he’s such a child.
I realize he doesn’t deserve his family, me and the kids. He deserves to be told to pack his bags. But for many reasons, I won’t leave. So I have to find a way to go forward.
So, door #1, door #2, or door #3 (door 3 is whatever advice or ideas you’ve got).