My ADHD husband has more than just ADHD going on. He isn’t just having a hard time doing things. He also resents anything that cuts into his “me” time, which to him is anytime he isn’t at work. I know this because he says things straight out. I’m not putting words in his mouth
So on top of ADHD, he is also actually lazy and selfish. He glares at me or says nasty things when I say, “Could you please _______ for me today?” It really is like living with an entitled teenage boy.
For years I’ve just done everything myself, and if I couldn’t get to it, then it went undone. And in the past two years, I’ve come to realize just how hard life is with him and the toll it’s taking on me. And I see where he’s just living a sweet life - I do everything he doesn’t want to do (which includes parenting). In fact, even my thoughts on any subject make him angry. He isn’t even a decent person most of the time, whether he’s been asked to do something or not.
SO - door #1 -do I continue finding ways around him and just do everything by myself as best I can to avoid the stress of dealing with him, even though that enables him to continue being lazy and selfish?
OR - door #2 - do I ask him to do little things, which puts the kids and I right in his angry cross hairs, where we listen to ugly comments and barbs because he had to do something? (He’s already just unpleasant anyway, but asking him to do something results in more unpleasantness. Complaining the whole time, insulting me sometimes, or just being ugly and trying to manipulate me so I will feel bad.)
I know what the “right” thing to do is - ignore his ugliness when he had to do something, and ask anyway, because he has familial obligations and he chose to take them on. But I really don’t even want to deal with him anymore. I want to minimize my interactions because he’s such a child.
I realize he doesn’t deserve his family, me and the kids. He deserves to be told to pack his bags. But for many reasons, I won’t leave. So I have to find a way to go forward.
So, door #1, door #2, or door #3 (door 3 is whatever advice or ideas you’ve got).
I am at the point that I don
Submitted by Libby on
I am at the point that I don't ask my DH for anything. If I have a problem with my vehicle it goes to the local garage. If there is an issue with the house I contact someone to fix it. Same with stuff in the yard. None of this is discussed with him I just do it.
I second what Libby said. At
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I second what Libby said. At a certain point (which it sounds as though you and your family have reached), asking a person for help when you know the person is likely to say no or react badly is worse than doing things yourself, because it gives the other person the satisfaction of being oppositional. This is my opinion, based on my personal experience.
None of this is done without
Submitted by Libby on
None of this is done without tinges of anger on my part. Especially when he happily takes care of repairs on his mom's vehicle or helps with working in someone else's yard. I struggle a lot....
I’m absolutely with you - and
Submitted by Brindle on
I’m absolutely with you - and I’ve done that for years. It’s just that the last two years I have realized the depth of the dysfunction, how much I really do on my own (everything I possibly can), and I’m wondering if I need to rethink my position. Maybe I’m doing the wrong thing by letting him get by with doing nothing except going to work?
So I guess what I’m hearing from you gals is “Nope. Carry on as you have been. He caused the dysfunction, not you.” Or do you think I’m enabling him?
I was listening to a podcast
Submitted by barneyarff on
I was listening to a podcast while working this afternoon and was absolutely struck by what was said reguarding a 20 something son who refused to grow up and get out of the parents' home. Towards the end of the talk, it was mentioned two styles of behavior most children use to get what they want---anger and whining and parents respond to that . He said when an adult indulges in those two behaviors to manipulate another, the person is putting someone into an adult role and then problems start. I found it so interesting, I listened to it twice. It always throws me off though when most things work----except when ADD is involved. It would please me greatly if someone would listen to the podcast and give me feedback. It's called "Beat Your Genes" and an evolutionary psychologist talks on it. The particular podcast was on Wed June 27. Your question about enabling reminded me that I wanted to mention it.
For me, even with ADD it feels like we (I) enable waaaaaay more than we should because we care more and therefore we will lose. That's what happens when one cares more than the other. Plus we take care of things before they absolutely fall apart and the ADD spouse knows that so there is no incentive to change.
thoughts?
I don't like using the word
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I don't like using the word "enable" in the context of ADHD, because, at least in my situation, my ex-husband's behavior was not influenced by what I did and didn't do. My working only part time didn't result in him going out to get a job, nor did my working full time. My doing none, some, or all of the housework did not affect the amount he did. His communication overtures and responses had nothing to do with how often I communicated with him or what I said.
In fact, I think the word "enable" is overused, because it implies joint responsibility for one person's behavior and takes the onus off that person, who, in many cases, is going to do or not do what he or she does or doesn't want to do regardless of other people and their feelings and actions.
It is very hard for me to hear....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
That spouses speak nasty and behave towards one as an absolute annoyance and bother. This has not been my experience. It so breaks my heart for a spouse and children to be on the receiving end of this atrocious behavior.
My untreated adhd H is indifferent, sarcastic, socially inept, preoccupied with himself and juvenile but never nasty. He is unavailable to me emotionally and also with his time. My seperating from him has gained me my life back. I had to disengage from him. I am in a far better frame of me and can now sort out where do we/I go from here. My H does not see his behavior as "that bad" . If you're single...fine....but it does not lend itself to marriage.His decision to deal with this was not his alone to make. If he wants to make his own decisions....then he has made a choice.He does not want to be married. Though he will vehemently deny that. How am I so sure? He cannot/will not sit down with me and talk including RESOLVING our issues so we CAN move forward. What's the problem? He doesn't "see" a problem. After 45 years and you won't talk? But....He never did..from day one...and I let it go. I taught him how to treat me....what did I expect....45 years later?
I am no longer bitter,gobsmacked or bewildered. Disengaging...while still living together did not work for me. Distance did. I reached a moment where the gloves came off..... I discovered clarity and compassion for us both. I have no specific goal/ending in mind. It is literally one day at a time.
You are in my thoughts.
Thank you, Zapp.
Submitted by Brindle on
His treatment of me is hurts, but the fact that he does it to the kids... it truly does hurt so much more than what he does to me. And oh, he does not like it when I speak up for them or go against him in front of them. Even when things were better than now, if a problem was brought up, even with soft starts, there was not much accountability that he would accept from me. Deny, deflect, and now in these later years, he's added how he thinks I'm a bad wife. So he's not interested in hearing me when I try to discuss how he talks to us, treats us.
I also agree that my husband doesn't want to be married. I think he likes the *idea* of a family, a home, pets... all the things that people know make for a good life. But he doesn't want any of the work that goes with it. He wants life to be beautiful and comfortable, but he wants it to magically arrive. He wants the kids and I to think he's wonderful, but he doesn't appreciate that we won't think that if he treats us as he does. My husband also doesn't see what he does as "that bad," either. It is always on us to "get over it" or just deal with it.
PoisonIvy, those are good points
Submitted by Brindle on
PoisonIvy, what was true in your marriage is also true in several respects in mine. My husband isn't going to do the housework no matter what I do or don't do. I suppose if I absolutely did nothing for months on end, he'd be incensed and do something. But it would have to get desperately disgusting before he would. (Unless you count his laundry. He has begun to do it because I've stopped doing it, and because he must have some laundry for work. But it's always only the bare minimum to get by.) Also, definitely the communication wouldn't matter. He isn't communicative or responsive, either, based on what I've done or not done.
Really, I don't mind doing all the housework at this point because the kids and I are a team in that department. They have adhd, but I require they help and learn to take care of themselves and a home. Before we had kids, he and I both had full time jobs, but he didn't do housework. He criticized me if I left things undone because I didn't have time or if I was tired. But he never helped. And if I asked him for help, it was met with a few different tactics - forms of anger and rudeness so I'd say "nevermind," annoyance, sighs of "fine" but never following through. And then if he had said he would, I still had to do it because he wouldn't do it by the time I needed, so there was anger on his part. "I told you I would do it!" And yet, if i said, "But time ran out and it had to be done, so I did it," he was still angry. If I decided to just remind him and not do it myself, I was a "nag." I couldn't win no matter WHAT. He caused friction at every turn unless I did everything myself. I guess that's still causing friction because I still had to figure out a way to get all of life for us done without help.
At this point, It's more like... when I have a full day and he has a day off, could he run an errand for me. Or could he fix this or that since I can't. Or could he make dinner because I'm gonna be gone. Then he is angry, even if there is nothing happening for him and his day is free. It isn't big or heavy stuff, always just little things that will help me. He even voices frustration if the kids ask for him to do things with them. That is how much he wants us to leave him alone. (And it breaks my heart to have my children hear their dad reveal that they are inconveniencing him.)
So, maybe I should rephrase the question - should I be continually challenging him on his desire to not have responsibility? Or should I just give up ever pushing him to be a better partner, seeing how at this point he is clearly not going to change? Should I push him to do more parenting things with the kids or just let myself be the only active parent since he is so unpleasant? Is it better for the kids to just rely on me and let him have his barely-involved role without challenging him because of how grumpily he interacts with them?
"For me"
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hi, Brin,
I've been reading the posts. I've been there myself in the past. Sorry, I don't have enough time to write much now. One thing strikes me very much. You keep saying "for me". You are signaling everything is your job, rather than that your husband must share in family responsibilities.
All the best,
Angie
We have the same husband!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Brindle, there is not one thing you've described in the original post or the follow up post that doesn't apply to my situation. We are married to the same man! Every moment outside of work is "me" time (translation: non-productive time spent lying on the couch on a laptop). He does this for hours and hours... and hours... every day... while the household runs around him.
I wish I had advice. I do a little of both 1 and 2, mostly #1. I do most things myself, but like you, I have stopped doing his laundry or cleaning up after messes that are specifically his.
I am angry that I have to ask nicely for him to spend time with our daughter, which he does begrudgingly (not to mention it usually lasts 10 minutes or less before it turns into a fight or he has gone back to his laptop). She also asks him herself, but now understands the huffing and sighs and the "Well I don't want to, but I guess I have to's" (yes, he says that out loud) and outright "no's", mean he doesn't want to spend time with her. That kills me. And he honestly doesn't get why she is simply always mad at him by default now. :'(
So I try to do mostly #1. I do most of the work because I prefer it to the stress of dealing with him, which usually results in him being loud, ugly and setting a terrible example for our daughter.
About door #2... sometimes there are just things I can't do or can't afford to hire for, so I will ask and persist until they're done. It has taken me years not to react to his outbursts, but now I can usually act like his insults and complaints don't bother me and I just keep on making my request in the same friendly voice. He usually ramps up the cruelty because I think he is only satisfied when I'm upset, too. So I try really hard to stay even-keeled. I will leave post-its on the door. I will send e-mail and text reminders. I will kindly ask every morning if job XYZ has been done and if not, when it will be. He can tell when I won't let something go, but he still won't do it any faster next time. LOL I should note that when I need/want him to do something, I don't muddy the waters with other things. I stick to this one request. I believe it is Melissa's advice that the ADHD brain is better at processing one task on a piece of paper vs. a longer to-do list. So I ask consistently for this one thing and this one thing only until it's done. I have had the most success that way.
I know this hasn't helped answer your question a lot except to say that you are not alone. I think I would do whatever works best for you. Whatever gives you the most peace. Anytime you can afford to pay for something (housecleaning, painting, etc.), go for it!