OK, so here I am, after all the craziness you may have read before(from "When You Have Been Hurt so Many Times", and in my mind, I had decided to leave, but had not gone through with it yet. One day, I was paying some bills, and he made a scathing remark about how we would not have to worry about money for bills if I had a "real job." This is after I just finished my second job, and he had not bothered to get the full-time job he had promised to. The hostility emanating from him was so thick, you could cut it with a knife, as had been the norm lately, and something in me just broke. I knew we could not go on like this.
I finally just said "You won't have to worry about it anymore, because I'm leaving." This conversation began after a protracted and painful period of back-and-forth over "Should we end it or shouldn't we?" There were days when things were like old times with us- laughing, playing, inside jokes. More often than not, though, he seemed to be doing all he could to communicate that he would do exactly what he wanted, when he wanted, so get used to it. Never over the line, like cheating, but just being a jerky guy, like not bothering to come home, even if you went to the effort to make him dinner.
So that day, I sat with him and we had the talk...we just don't work, our priorities are different, he wants what he wants, when he wants, and it does not matter if he promised me something, his priority was, basically, himself. I wasn't willing to be second priority to my husband. So, long story short, I packed all my belongings that could fit in my car, and drove across the country to my family's house, going on interviews the next day for jobs.
So, new place, new people, hopefully, soon, new job, but here's the sucky part: I miss him. I miss our life. I saw his picture yesterday, and started bawling. I was ok for a bit, and I still am, here and there. But it feels like my life has been broken into shards of glass, and I am just in limbo, getting randomly cut, waiting for a life to start. Everything I knew is just...gone. How do you get through this? Anyone have any suggestions? We still have a joint account, until I get a new job and we can dismantle it, fyi, so we still have to have minimal contact about that. Also, I took our two beloved dogs, upon mutual agreement, and I have updated him on them. Also, he is supposed to be filing the divorce papers, since he still lives in our hometown, but he has not as of yet. He recently changed his profile picture on Facebook, but did not change his marital status...??