So I Left...HOW DO YOU DO THIS??

OK, so here I am, after all the craziness you may have read before(from "When You Have Been Hurt so Many Times", and in my mind, I had decided to leave, but had not gone through with it yet. One day, I was paying some bills, and he made a scathing remark about how we would not have to worry about money for bills if I had a "real job." This is after I just finished my second job, and he had not bothered to get the full-time job he had promised to. The hostility emanating from him was so thick, you could cut it with a knife, as had been the norm lately, and something in me just broke. I knew we could not go on like this.

I finally just said "You won't have to worry about it anymore, because I'm leaving." This conversation began after a protracted and painful period of back-and-forth over "Should we end it or shouldn't we?" There were days when things were like old times with us- laughing, playing, inside jokes. More often than not, though, he seemed to be doing all he could to communicate that he would do exactly what he wanted, when he wanted, so get used to it. Never over the line, like cheating, but just being a jerky guy, like not bothering to come home, even if you went to the effort to make him dinner.

So that day, I sat with him and we had the talk...we just don't work, our priorities are different, he wants what he wants, when he wants, and it does not matter if he promised me something, his priority was, basically, himself. I wasn't willing to be second priority to my husband. So, long story short, I packed all my belongings that could fit in my car, and drove across the country to my family's house, going on interviews the next day for jobs.

So, new place, new people, hopefully, soon, new job, but here's the sucky part: I miss him. I miss our life. I saw his picture yesterday, and started bawling. I was ok for a bit, and I still am, here and there. But it feels like my life has been broken into shards of glass, and I am just in limbo, getting randomly cut, waiting for a life to start. Everything I knew is just...gone. How do you get through this? Anyone have any suggestions? We still have a joint account, until I get a new job and we can dismantle it, fyi, so we still have to have minimal contact about that. Also, I took our two beloved dogs, upon mutual agreement, and I have updated him on them. Also, he is supposed to be filing the divorce papers, since he still lives in our hometown, but he has not as of yet. He recently changed his profile picture on Facebook, but did not change his marital status...??
cbrooks

One moment at a time

I wish you the very best on this new phase. It will be hard, but you will be happier. It's normal to burst into tears at good reminders, we don't take pictures of the bad days. And its good to mourn the good days but be happy to be free from the bad ones. You get to control your days now. Best wishes.

I want to say first that I am

I want to say first that I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I know the pain you are experiencing first hand.  It absolutely feels as though it is a death of your spouse.  You have taken the hardest step.  My husband of 27 years left 3 years ago and two weeks after leaving I found out he had been having an affair.  Every single day since then it occupys my mind and the pain hasn't really eased much.  I took a lot of verbal abuse and was put through so much in 25 years but just because we are finally not dealing with them on a daily basis doesn't change the amount of pain.  We still love(d) these men and would have done anything to have made it work.  There is no easy way to get through the heartbreak and pain of having your life almost completely end the way you knew it.  You just have to go through it and grieve and then I believe eventually it will ease.  I have found that not looking at pictures is a good thing.  Just the other day I saw one of my husband and it set me back.  In our intense pain, it is so easy to want the strong feelings to end so we think to ourselves that possibly we can work it out with our spouse.  Of course, a few do work it out and to that I want to say to those who have ADD and have realized after many years what they have done, don't give up.  You posting on this site is doing more than most with ADD would do.  To this day, I would give anything if my spouse, even if we never worked it out because of all that has happened, would sincerely say the words, "I am sorry".  I never got that and don't think I ever will.  Those heartfelt words would have helped me so much in easing the pain and forgiving and letting go of the past.  In my case, there has been so much hurt caused and so many chances given in the 25years and then the affair was the last straw (never did I believe he would have an affair but now looking back at all the other behavior, I should have been surprised if he didn't have an affair).  I know deep down things would be exactly the same if we were together today.  Something that has helped me is that I wrote down a list on my computer of all the outragious things (and that is putting it nicely) that he did to me and our children.  When I am really down, I look at that list (and sometimes add to it) and it helps me remember that there is something seriously wrong with HIM and not a case of "if only I had done this we would be ok" or "maybe if we go to counseling we can work it out" or "he's acting nice to me now so maybe he does care".  I wish you and everyone on this site strength who are living one day at a time without our spouse.  All of us who are experiencing the same circumstances right now WILL get through it, we just don't know how long it will take for each of us.            

Stay in motion

Hi cbrooks, I am sorry you are having to endure this. My advice is to stay moving, stay busy, stay around positive people, consider every invitation and call from friends or family a gift, and let yourself feel things. Only time can help, unfortunately. Of course you miss him, but try to remember: he made you miserable and would not work on it and you had to leave. He let you leave. He was jerky to you--and you deserve better. Seriously. When you feel sad, think about spending the rest of your days, hour by hour, with someone who treats you this way. It is not ok. It was his problem. I did the same thing as st- i made a list of the worst things my stbx had said or done to me. Take good care of yourself. You have family, dogs, and a new start. Best to you. 

And don't rush things, but don't hold your breath waiting for him to file. You may have to take care of it. Be careful if your money and his are tied up.

Wise Words

Lynninny,

Thank you for your wisdom and compassion. What you said is exactly what I am doing: staying around positive people, letting myself feel, though it is difficult, and accepting most every invitation or phone call I get. You reminded me of the reason I did what I did. He did make me miserable, he would not work on it, he let me leave.

Perhaps I will make a list of the ridiculous things he has done, and I will be cured! LOL

Don't actually divorce yet

I read that there are an average of 7 separations in abusive relationships before the abused person actually leaves for good. So don't be too hard on yourself if this is the first time you have separated.

I have a suggestion, however, after listening to how painful this is for you. Have you tried a legal separation first? It can be much less painful because you are allowing yourself to think things might improve later on. You can set yourself up with a job, home, etc. without having to deal with quite as much pain. You may just be putting the pain on hold for awhile, but at least it may make life more manageable. A separation is a good time to find a good counselor for support. To make new friends. Sometimes the spouse gets really nice for awhile, giving you a bit of temporary support.

Come up with some basic rules. Remember that the purpose is for you to gain some strength so you can function, so it is important to limit the number of "conversations" so you are not tempted to spend all your time on the phone or email with him. If you further limit conversations to email only, the emotions will be somewhat diluted if he is ugly. (You may have a bit more say-so in asking him to get help or meds.) However, many times, after the initial positive reactions you may get, they will show true colors again and you will understand better why you left.

One warning: they may find someone else, out of need or out of spite. You would have to be emotionally prepared for this possibility. But that is the point -- to prepare yourself for eventually separating for good.

I have been divorced for almost a year now. I just found a wonderful therapist (but the search wasn't easy) who is helping me get past some of the anxiety from the trauma I went through. We had done a separation for about 8 months. It gave me a break so I could think. Got back together, but X had lawyer draw up papers without me knowing but didn't file. I am so glad to be away from him. He has a new flame. I feel sorry for her a little, but I guess we all have to live and learn. I'm making a really great garden. Got involved in some community activities that are fun. It's slow recovering from what he did to me, but I wouldn't go back for anything he could say (because I know for sure it is all talk). Prayers!

 

Lynnie 70

Thank you to you and everyone else who shared their experiences, and the wisdom coming from the pain. I can not imagine 25 years of this angst, and I am so sorry for what you have endured. The advice given has been sage and timely, and I am grateful for every word. I have kept myself busy, accepting invitations to spend time with family, and working toward making a life here for myself and my dogs. I have reconnected with family and friends that I have barely spoken to in years, and realized that you can actually have something called space-something unheard of in my previous home in Los Angeles-;p;

I got the job I prayed for, found a beautiful new apartment, and am beginning to feel ok on my own. Just today, in fact, God spoke to me about letting go. Lynnie mentioned that it sounded like I was having a hard time letting go, and that was true. I kept finding reasons to text him or call. Today, my Bible study was on Letting Go of the Past. Then, later, I was listening to the latest audiobook I received from the book club I'm in, and it was on Letting Go. Wow, I hear you, God! So cool when God speaks so audbly.

I suppose this will be a daily battle for a while, but it is something we must struggle with until it gets easier, day by day.

llc's picture

Divorce Is horrible to go

Divorce Is horrible to go through, even if it is right. It is tempting to want to skip over the pain, or shove it under the rug, but in the long run it is much better to cut through the thick of it. Acknowledge that you miss him. You loved him four a long time, you can't expect feelings to vanish over night. 

It will ease over time but when you feel pangs of loneliness, Remind yourself that you were basically alone in your marriage... Even when he was there. Take fault less care of yourself:eat healthfully and exercise. Get plenty of sleep and find safe support to Talk and get  your feelings out. meditate or pray often.

And above all, remind yourself constantly that you are strong and wonderful and you deserve to Be loved and cherished. Best of luck. Xo