So long..for now...

Hi all. I wanted to come and give a quick update and say so long for now. 

It has been almost 3 months since I started working on myself and trying to come to terms with my issues and give my husband space to work on his. It has been a very emotional 3 months (a lot of which I haven't shared) and I have struggled to find reasons to stay and they just weren't coming. If being kind and friendly were all it took, we'd be OK, but it isn't...and I have just grown increasingly lonely and increasingly aware that my husband, the one who thought I was a wonderful, deserving person, is gone. The least little issue and he is the same defensive "get the *uck out of my face" person he was 3 months ago...6 months ago...12 months ago. I have prayed and asked God to please let me know if things were not going to change between us because I cannot continue to wait forever...but promised I would wait until he gave me a sign. (as if doing NOTHING together for 12 months wasn't enough...or his drinking...or his defensiveness towards me...or his not going to church...) It is obvious he just does not love me the way I need to feel loved. I have earned my spot in his his enemy...I accept that...but it doesn't mean I have to live with it.

Tonight my SD and I had an issue, I felt it was handled civilly, and it was over. She texted him, which means, in his mind, that I "started sh!t" with her, and I had enough. Seven long years he has treated me sooo poorly, humiliating me, embarrassing me, disrespecting me, and allowing her to do the same..and still does. she moved out 18 months ago. He didn't ask my side, he just immediately was furious because she told him that I said my daughter could not puppy sit for her while she worked...and that was apparently just a huge injustice of some type. My daughter (who is most likely ADHD) cannot take care of would fall on me, and I CANNOT DO IT!! 

Long story short, I told her to stay out of my life, that I was tired of her passive aggressive attempt to cause trouble, and that she was nothing but poison. Not my best moment, but if I don't start doing something for myself, to defend myself, in that one ever will. When a person has had enough, it doesn't matter who it is...enough is enough.

She responded with 4 texts messages that confirmed everything I has suspected all along "when will you learn, he will always choose me over you" "I will always be a part of his life, accept it or move on" etc. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she gets this information from him and I am not willing to be married to a man who would put this kind of idea in ANYONE'S head about where I stand in his life. I won't be 2nd to anyone anymore. I choose to be alone instead.

So, now I have to put in some very serious work finding a job and doing what I can to make sure my family is taken care of. I have an agency that might pay me to stay home with my kids...since my son is least until I can find a job. Anyway, I appreciate all of the help and support and kind words from all of you. I need to really put this ADHD thing, my SD, and my codependency behind me and just move on...before it kills me. I have accepted a lot, but accepting that I am obviously second in his life not only in my mind, but in hers as well...and knowing that his words are responsible for that is something I can't get past. I can't. God help me, I just can't. 

Praying for you all...I will be back when I gather my bearings and hopefully have put this entire mess behind me. I am extremely heartbroken...but I feel God has given me the sign I was looking for and now I just have to figure out how I am going to provide for my kids...that's my main concern right now. Prayers would be very appreciated. I know God works miracles...but I don't think one is forthcoming for my marriage.

God bless you all..have a wonderful Christmas.