So long..for now...

Hi all. I wanted to come and give a quick update and say so long for now. 

It has been almost 3 months since I started working on myself and trying to come to terms with my issues and give my husband space to work on his. It has been a very emotional 3 months (a lot of which I haven't shared) and I have struggled to find reasons to stay and they just weren't coming. If being kind and friendly were all it took, we'd be OK, but it isn't...and I have just grown increasingly lonely and increasingly aware that my husband, the one who thought I was a wonderful, deserving person, is gone. The least little issue and he is the same defensive "get the *uck out of my face" person he was 3 months ago...6 months ago...12 months ago. I have prayed and asked God to please let me know if things were not going to change between us because I cannot continue to wait forever...but promised I would wait until he gave me a sign. (as if doing NOTHING together for 12 months wasn't enough...or his drinking...or his defensiveness towards me...or his not going to church...) It is obvious he just does not love me the way I need to feel loved. I have earned my spot in his mind...as his enemy...I accept that...but it doesn't mean I have to live with it.

Tonight my SD and I had an issue, I felt it was handled civilly, and it was over. She texted him, which means, in his mind, that I "started sh!t" with her, and I had enough. Seven long years he has treated me sooo poorly, humiliating me, embarrassing me, disrespecting me, and allowing her to do the same..and still does. she moved out 18 months ago. He didn't ask my side, he just immediately was furious because she told him that I said my daughter could not puppy sit for her while she worked...and that was apparently just a huge injustice of some type. My daughter (who is most likely ADHD) cannot take care of herself...it would fall on me, and I CANNOT DO IT!! 

Long story short, I told her to stay out of my life, that I was tired of her passive aggressive attempt to cause trouble, and that she was nothing but poison. Not my best moment, but if I don't start doing something for myself, to defend myself, in that situation..no one ever will. When a person has had enough, it doesn't matter who it is...enough is enough.

She responded with 4 texts messages that confirmed everything I has suspected all along "when will you learn, he will always choose me over you" "I will always be a part of his life, accept it or move on" etc. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she gets this information from him and I am not willing to be married to a man who would put this kind of idea in ANYONE'S head about where I stand in his life. I won't be 2nd to anyone anymore. I choose to be alone instead.

So, now I have to put in some very serious work finding a job and doing what I can to make sure my family is taken care of. I have an agency that might pay me to stay home with my kids...since my son is disabled...at least until I can find a job. Anyway, I appreciate all of the help and support and kind words from all of you. I need to really put this ADHD thing, my SD, and my codependency behind me and just move on...before it kills me. I have accepted a lot, but accepting that I am obviously second in his life not only in my mind, but in hers as well...and knowing that his words are responsible for that is something I can't get past. I can't. God help me, I just can't. 

Praying for you all...I will be back when I gather my bearings and hopefully have put this entire mess behind me. I am extremely heartbroken...but I feel God has given me the sign I was looking for and now I just have to figure out how I am going to provide for my kids...that's my main concern right now. Prayers would be very appreciated. I know God works miracles...but I don't think one is forthcoming for my marriage.

God bless you all..have a wonderful Christmas. 

Sherri

 

Sherri I wish you well :)

I sorry things have been so hard for you lately. I know this must have been a heart breaking choice to make, but you can do this. You are a very nice person and have helped me more times than I can say. I know all your hard work will pay off for you in the future. If you need any support I'll be here, as I'm sure so many others will be too.

Your friend,

YYZ

Sherri, Im so sorry. Months

Sherri, Im so sorry. Months ago, we seemed to ve in different spots in our lives...and somehow, over the last couple, our experiences have converged. Whatever you decide is the RIGHT decision. It is time to get off the crazy making, as I put it. A To gain perspective, increase your self esteem, to become more in control. I have no doubt in you girlfriend. Stay in touch, okay? Xoxoxo!
sullygrl's picture

HUGS

Not much I can say I'm afraid...but I do say you are doing what is best for you and that is all you can do.  When you are part of a couple the coupledom is supposed to be the foundation for the family relationship, and it does not sound like your husband has ever given you that.  He has shown you plenty of disrespect and little loving actions instead.

I will pray that you end up in a happy healthy place, because that is what you deserve. Nothing less. 

 

best to you

 

I'm proud of you and the

I'm proud of you and the great strides I've seen you make in your posts, it inspires me.  I wish you well in your life and appreciate the advice and the help you've given me.  It really means a lot.  I will greatly miss you Sherri, keep striving.  And keep loving yourself.  :D

Sad for you and Happy for you

Sad for you and Happy for you all rolled into one.  Boy, what a ride.  You have to do what you have to do.  You did the right thing by giving it to God, knowing he would provide you with the guidance needed to find your way.  I, too, will miss your knowledge and wisdom and look forward to your return some day.

I will keep you in my prayers.

God bless you, Merry Christmas.

After going all day the next

After going all day the next day without speaking to me, DH acted as if nothing had happened. Fine by me, I'm not in the mood to fight anyway. I thought it worth a shot to e-mail him about the situation, asking for some specific answers to some specific questions. (if I'm going to stay, I felt I needed to know a couple of things about her comments and where they are originating from). He never replied, not surprisingly. 

No more fights since then...but nothing has really changed. I do, however, see some tiny baby steps and feel he is aware of his issues (the deal breaker ones) and I feel he is working through things where before I simply felt like he was skating by, doing his own thing, and felt no end was in sight. (to the deal breaker behaviors..such as drinking).

However, my SD asked a few days ago if she could move back home. (last I heard she was living with the woman he had an affair with). He and I talked about it and I told him that I could not live with her again. It was nothing short of absolute HELL and I cannot go back to that. My daughter's childhood was completely destroyed because of how our marriage fell apart and how raising SD tore us into, our house was turned upside down, she brings chaos, fighting, and drama to the life of anyone she is around and I was left out in the cold, in my own home and marriage the last time and I won't subject myself to it. I have tried to appeal to his "this will destroy our marriage" side...and I hope and pray that he understands that it is not just words, it is the truth. We are so fragile as it is, it would be the end. No doubt. So far, aside from a couple of attempts to ask me to reconsider, he seems to be understanding of my position. I asked him to please stop pushing the issue and work something out with SD and leave me out of it. About all he would have to offer her is ideas and moral support...we do not have the financial means to help her, but she burned a lot of bridges and there is no going back.

I am not letting it affect our marriage, in the past I would have been furious for him asking, cussed him out, been mad for days (as a way to manipulate him and punish him for even asking), and made a huge deal of it. I don't dare believe that the issue is a dead issue and he won't bring it up again, but my mind is made up and I feel my decision is best for our marriage. It might mean that he decides to leave...I hope not, but I will not stand in his way if that is his choice. After all, he always chooses her over me, remember?

I enjoyed my holiday break..classes started again today. Life is moving along and I am happy to FINALLY see some tangible progress, however small.