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I am aware, after reading your post, that you may not feel 'in-love' with your wife... but I'm wondering if you 'love' her?
It's my strong belief that if you love her, then it is possible to put the work in to fall back in love again.
My second question is... why can't you do all this self-searching/growth by her side? I know you're coming into some real knowledge about your life; finding out all sorts of new 'answers', but why does that mean leave your wife?
I mean, if you don't love her then I would leave the marriage alone. But if you do, then "trying differently" as Melissa would say, might help the two of you start a new life together--with your new little one, too.
I'm under the impression with the diagnosis of ADD comes all sorts of different emotions and possible fears... Just be sure you're not confusing these strong emotions with the ones towards your relationship.
If your symptoms are effecting your marriage I can assure you majority of it isn't in a positive way... And, her reactions to your symptoms, again, probably are not gonna be positive. But with proper help, they say there is hope the couple can begin to understand one another better and progress in a more positive, healthy way.
If you're here I believe you haven't given up completely...
Read some of the struggles other couples with untreated ADD go through... You'll see most of us try and try and don't get very far on our own. With help, though, there is said to be hope at the other end of all of this. Try not to get discouraged as you read, though. A lot of us are 'stuck' in our unhealthy ways and trying desperately to change... it takes time!
After saying all of that, I must add: I wouldn't feel guilty for leaving someone if the love just isn't there. It's not a healthy environment to raise a child where there is no love between parents. It's also not the best example to set for the child. ( I grew up in that sort of 'love-less' environment... very damaging).
I hope you can find the warmth in your heart for your partner again. And if not, I hope you can find the courage to make the right decision. :)
You talk about your happiness; what would make you happy? I feel for your wife, who probably feels like the rug is being ripped out from under her. And for you too, as it never feels good to be the "ripper" either.
What are the things that you need to be happy, that you say she does not provide?
I think you need to be careful here. Besides all the of emotion swirling around your discovery of your ADD and yourself, there is also so much emotion around getting pregnant, particularly when issues of infertility are present. While you are trying to figure all of this out, perhaps you could try to offer your newly pregnant wife some support also. It would be a loving gesture. But mostly, RUN to counseling.
I had to read this, go away for a day or two, come back and read it again...and pray about it before answering...take it for what it is worth.
Count how many times you mentioned being focused only on what you want in your post. I admire you for admitting it, but I'm not sure that you are seeing how wrong this is...and unfair. Does your happiness matter? SURE. But can you possibly be being the husband YOU should be when you're focused only on 'me me me'? NO. I also give weight to the fact that she was probably overly focused on her journey to motherhood, for what it is worth.
The one thing that is really rubbing me wrong about your post..making me think that your awakening isn't quite 'awake'..is that you seem to want to take on the victim role so many ADDers love to take. "I only got married because everyone else wanted it" "I only went on vacation because her family planned it" "I'm sure my attitude sucked, but I didn't want to be there" ..does NOT justify your choice to have a shitty attitude!..and most importantly your lack of honesty with her about the entire fertility process until she was so far emotionally invested in it that she was devastated by your 'change of heart'. From your own timeline you weren't 'on board' from day one, not 100%, and you cannot possibly unload the fault of that on anyone but yourself. You're an adult...if you have hesitations about situation, especially something SOOO important to someone you promised to love, honor, and cherish for the rest of your life, you TELL them. It seems the undertone is that she was just too caught up in herself to 'let' you tell her. I would be willing to bet the farm that she was under the impression you were 100% on board..until you finally told her you weren't..after a lot of time and money and emotions have already been invested.
You are seeing a 'bright and shiny' new world...and feel that overwhelming "OMG the grass is so much greener out there...everywhere!" feeling. Meanwhile, she's subjecting herself to hormones on top of hormones and outrageous debt (with your blessing!) to become a mom....and then is blindsided by your 'flipping the switch'. Little does she know, you knew all along. Had this happen to me...by my current husband...6 months into our marriage...and 10 weeks into my pregnancy with our daughter. "you don't make me happy" "I don't want to be married anymore" "don't know if I want the kid" and he even slept with his ex-wife one night after I kicked him out. Finally got sick of it, told him to take his belongings and get the hell out of my life and never contact me again...he came back a week later...begging.
Careful what you wish for.
A huge part of me is screaming that you need to put on your big boy underwear and deal with the situation you've let landslide so far out of control. I also think you might need to consider how much of an affect on your 'change of heart' your medications might be having. (my husband changed dramatically when he was on Concerta) Your post is just so very much one sided and all about you and how you feel there is this great big world out there waiting for you..but you have this anchor...your wife...and now an innocent baby too. Put yourself in her shoes. Marriage isn't about "being in love only when it feels good" it is about loving someone regardless. Try giving more of yourself...maybe you'll find that she does, indeed, have the things you think she doesn't to make you happy. Maybe you won't...and like many ADDers you'll push her away and regret the hell out of it later.
In fairness, it feels like you both just got so caught up in what you wanted that you lost focus on each other...it happens...but you're aware of it and are more wanting out than you are wanting to try and change it, it seems. Sorry, but my heart goes out to her on this one...I do think you feel bad, but you said it at least twice.."I don't like hurting her, but I want to be happy". Define happy. Ask yourself what you feel is YOUR part in bringing happiness to the marriage again. Easier to just quit, I suppose.
You both deserve to be happy...if you cannot stay married I at least hope you're taking away from this situation how you were responsible for your own actions ..and inaction...and how that played just as big of a role in your 'unhappiness' as anything she could/did do. Taking responsibility for your own choices (getting married, acting like a jerk on vacation) is just as big of a part of 'managing' ADD as taking meds. It isn't all about you.
Sorry...not sure what advice it was you were seeking...
I might not provide the advice you are looking for either, because I've been on the other side. My BF was all about me, very into me, asked ME tons of questions about what I wanted from the relationship. He was also very angry, had difficulty taking care of things, etc. When he got on Adderral, he suddenly changed. It was good in many ways, but weird. He suddenly started caring about himself, but almost to an extreme. When he added therapy, it became even more one-sided. Now I think it was good that he focused on his life, but it was to the point of really neglecting to notice that I was still there, still had a lot to offer, still wanted to know what he wanted. I tried giving him everything he wanted, but it would change constantly. From the perspective of an non ADDer who was with an ADDer, I found it difficult to determine what he wanted. But had I known, I would have provided it. Have you talked to your wife about what you want? It's possible she doesn't know, or doesn't understand. And is it possible you are getting something from the relationship, without realizing it? My BF and I broke up so that he could go pursue his life. I feel pretty cheated by it all. I'm a very independent woman. I think he just couldn't adjust to communicate his needs and see me for who I am. So, I'm just saying, take your time, be clear, realize the meds are probably having an effect on you, but that maybe a healthy life is somewhere in the middle of "me" and "we." ALL relationships require negotiation and compromise, but they also come with comfort, stability, and adventure. Ask yourself if you are really ready to give that up, or if you can possibly take your "we" as seriously as you are taking all the other new discoveries in your life. If she loves you as much as it seems, she may be able to grow with you. But yes, the pregnancy makes it hard, because right now, she needs you. But that will be temporary.
You may have fallen in love with her for different reasons, given your different mental state, but it's possible you can learn to love her now as well. Keep in mind also that all relationships go through seasons as people gain/lose jobs, parents, perspectives, etc. Adjustments are inherent.
truetomyselfbut...
Submitted by ebb and flow on
A couple of questions for you...
I am aware, after reading your post, that you may not feel 'in-love' with your wife... but I'm wondering if you 'love' her?
It's my strong belief that if you love her, then it is possible to put the work in to fall back in love again.
My second question is... why can't you do all this self-searching/growth by her side? I know you're coming into some real knowledge about your life; finding out all sorts of new 'answers', but why does that mean leave your wife?
I mean, if you don't love her then I would leave the marriage alone. But if you do, then "trying differently" as Melissa would say, might help the two of you start a new life together--with your new little one, too.
I'm under the impression with the diagnosis of ADD comes all sorts of different emotions and possible fears... Just be sure you're not confusing these strong emotions with the ones towards your relationship.
If your symptoms are effecting your marriage I can assure you majority of it isn't in a positive way... And, her reactions to your symptoms, again, probably are not gonna be positive. But with proper help, they say there is hope the couple can begin to understand one another better and progress in a more positive, healthy way.
If you're here I believe you haven't given up completely...
Read some of the struggles other couples with untreated ADD go through... You'll see most of us try and try and don't get very far on our own. With help, though, there is said to be hope at the other end of all of this. Try not to get discouraged as you read, though. A lot of us are 'stuck' in our unhealthy ways and trying desperately to change... it takes time!
After saying all of that, I must add: I wouldn't feel guilty for leaving someone if the love just isn't there. It's not a healthy environment to raise a child where there is no love between parents. It's also not the best example to set for the child. ( I grew up in that sort of 'love-less' environment... very damaging).
I hope you can find the warmth in your heart for your partner again. And if not, I hope you can find the courage to make the right decision. :)
Good luck!
truetomyselfbut re: happiness
Submitted by revelation on
You talk about your happiness; what would make you happy? I feel for your wife, who probably feels like the rug is being ripped out from under her. And for you too, as it never feels good to be the "ripper" either.
What are the things that you need to be happy, that you say she does not provide?
I think you need to be careful here. Besides all the of emotion swirling around your discovery of your ADD and yourself, there is also so much emotion around getting pregnant, particularly when issues of infertility are present. While you are trying to figure all of this out, perhaps you could try to offer your newly pregnant wife some support also. It would be a loving gesture. But mostly, RUN to counseling.
I had to read this, go away
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I had to read this, go away for a day or two, come back and read it again...and pray about it before answering...take it for what it is worth.
Count how many times you mentioned being focused only on what you want in your post. I admire you for admitting it, but I'm not sure that you are seeing how wrong this is...and unfair. Does your happiness matter? SURE. But can you possibly be being the husband YOU should be when you're focused only on 'me me me'? NO. I also give weight to the fact that she was probably overly focused on her journey to motherhood, for what it is worth.
The one thing that is really rubbing me wrong about your post..making me think that your awakening isn't quite 'awake'..is that you seem to want to take on the victim role so many ADDers love to take. "I only got married because everyone else wanted it" "I only went on vacation because her family planned it" "I'm sure my attitude sucked, but I didn't want to be there" ..does NOT justify your choice to have a shitty attitude!..and most importantly your lack of honesty with her about the entire fertility process until she was so far emotionally invested in it that she was devastated by your 'change of heart'. From your own timeline you weren't 'on board' from day one, not 100%, and you cannot possibly unload the fault of that on anyone but yourself. You're an adult...if you have hesitations about situation, especially something SOOO important to someone you promised to love, honor, and cherish for the rest of your life, you TELL them. It seems the undertone is that she was just too caught up in herself to 'let' you tell her. I would be willing to bet the farm that she was under the impression you were 100% on board..until you finally told her you weren't..after a lot of time and money and emotions have already been invested.
You are seeing a 'bright and shiny' new world...and feel that overwhelming "OMG the grass is so much greener out there...everywhere!" feeling. Meanwhile, she's subjecting herself to hormones on top of hormones and outrageous debt (with your blessing!) to become a mom....and then is blindsided by your 'flipping the switch'. Little does she know, you knew all along. Had this happen to me...by my current husband...6 months into our marriage...and 10 weeks into my pregnancy with our daughter. "you don't make me happy" "I don't want to be married anymore" "don't know if I want the kid" and he even slept with his ex-wife one night after I kicked him out. Finally got sick of it, told him to take his belongings and get the hell out of my life and never contact me again...he came back a week later...begging.
Careful what you wish for.
A huge part of me is screaming that you need to put on your big boy underwear and deal with the situation you've let landslide so far out of control. I also think you might need to consider how much of an affect on your 'change of heart' your medications might be having. (my husband changed dramatically when he was on Concerta) Your post is just so very much one sided and all about you and how you feel there is this great big world out there waiting for you..but you have this anchor...your wife...and now an innocent baby too. Put yourself in her shoes. Marriage isn't about "being in love only when it feels good" it is about loving someone regardless. Try giving more of yourself...maybe you'll find that she does, indeed, have the things you think she doesn't to make you happy. Maybe you won't...and like many ADDers you'll push her away and regret the hell out of it later.
In fairness, it feels like you both just got so caught up in what you wanted that you lost focus on each other...it happens...but you're aware of it and are more wanting out than you are wanting to try and change it, it seems. Sorry, but my heart goes out to her on this one...I do think you feel bad, but you said it at least twice.."I don't like hurting her, but I want to be happy". Define happy. Ask yourself what you feel is YOUR part in bringing happiness to the marriage again. Easier to just quit, I suppose.
You both deserve to be happy...if you cannot stay married I at least hope you're taking away from this situation how you were responsible for your own actions ..and inaction...and how that played just as big of a role in your 'unhappiness' as anything she could/did do. Taking responsibility for your own choices (getting married, acting like a jerk on vacation) is just as big of a part of 'managing' ADD as taking meds. It isn't all about you.
Sorry...not sure what advice it was you were seeking...
I might not provide the
Submitted by snapdragon on
I might not provide the advice you are looking for either, because I've been on the other side. My BF was all about me, very into me, asked ME tons of questions about what I wanted from the relationship. He was also very angry, had difficulty taking care of things, etc. When he got on Adderral, he suddenly changed. It was good in many ways, but weird. He suddenly started caring about himself, but almost to an extreme. When he added therapy, it became even more one-sided. Now I think it was good that he focused on his life, but it was to the point of really neglecting to notice that I was still there, still had a lot to offer, still wanted to know what he wanted. I tried giving him everything he wanted, but it would change constantly. From the perspective of an non ADDer who was with an ADDer, I found it difficult to determine what he wanted. But had I known, I would have provided it. Have you talked to your wife about what you want? It's possible she doesn't know, or doesn't understand. And is it possible you are getting something from the relationship, without realizing it? My BF and I broke up so that he could go pursue his life. I feel pretty cheated by it all. I'm a very independent woman. I think he just couldn't adjust to communicate his needs and see me for who I am. So, I'm just saying, take your time, be clear, realize the meds are probably having an effect on you, but that maybe a healthy life is somewhere in the middle of "me" and "we." ALL relationships require negotiation and compromise, but they also come with comfort, stability, and adventure. Ask yourself if you are really ready to give that up, or if you can possibly take your "we" as seriously as you are taking all the other new discoveries in your life. If she loves you as much as it seems, she may be able to grow with you. But yes, the pregnancy makes it hard, because right now, she needs you. But that will be temporary.
You may have fallen in love with her for different reasons, given your different mental state, but it's possible you can learn to love her now as well. Keep in mind also that all relationships go through seasons as people gain/lose jobs, parents, perspectives, etc. Adjustments are inherent.