So many good changes

After visiting this and other forums and sites, and on the verge of leaving my DH at the beginning of last month(not too long, I know..) so many things have changed. I feel like my whole life has been turned upside-down. Turns out most of our issues have been related to lack of communication and lack of sex on my DH's part. He wanted it, I felt like I wasn't getting my needs met, refused 75% of the time..I don't remember us ever having a truly satisfying sex life..maybe while we were dating and a couple years after, and in turn, DH didn't want to meet my needs, or seem even remotely interested in making me was a vicious cycle. He's treating his ADHD, and doesn't take his meds on the weekend which still bothers me a little, but so many other aspects of our relationship has improved that it just seems like a drop in the bucket, now. Here I am blaming everything on ADHD..when the answer was right in front of me. I was a little wary at first at the huge improvements just from regular sex, but it's been 6 weeks now and things are still good. He still seems interested in my day, interested in the kids and I, and eager to help(okay, not always exactly eager, but willing), and I don't feel like a huge nag when asking him to help with anything because he doesn't make me feel like that anymore. I feel like after almost 8 years of marriage, we finally have a healthy relationship. Not only that but recent events have made it so that we have been able to pay our house, car and credit card off completely, which makes us debt-free. I can't tell you how excited we are. DH also has a possible job opportunity which will pay a lot less than what he's making now(the only way we can do this is because we are eliminating our debt) but will still allow me to stay at home with the kids..It seems like everything is falling into place! My biggest concern right now is staying debt free. We will still have to live on a tight budget for awhile because of the job change, and I know ADDers love to spend money :) I'm in charge of the budget though, so I have a lot of control over the spending..I'm just worried about that credit card at a zero balance..and staying that way. We have only ever had this credit card at zero for a few months at a time, but mostly it's carried at least 2000.00, and up to 10,000.00 on it. We like to have it for emergencies, but it seems it never stays as just an emergency card..because of DH. Can someone offer some wisdom?!?

Pbartender's picture

Sounds like you might have to

Sounds like you might have to change your screen name here...  ;)

"I'm just worried about that credit card at a zero balance..and staying that way. We have only ever had this credit card at zero for a few months at a time, but mostly it's carried at least 2000.00, and up to 10,000.00 on it. We like to have it for emergencies, but it seems it never stays as just an emergency card..because of DH. Can someone offer some wisdom?!?"

  1. Get rid of the credit card.
  2. Open a savings account.
  3. Every month, deposit the money you had been using to pay off the credit card into the savings account.
  4. Ignore it.

At least, that's my plan, once I pay off my credit cards.



Would not recommend it

Once the card is paid off you will have good credit again.  I would never recommend anyone get rid of a credit card, as credit is mandatory in this day and age.  I would not keep it in the purse or wallet, but hidden away in a drawer, where only you have access to it, just in case a true emergency does arise.

I do agree with taking the money and putting it in the bank, however with him taking a job making less money, you may truly need it to supplement the lower income.  In which case, nix the bank account, as you don't want to be reaching for that credit card anytime soon.


Pbartender's picture

"Once the card is paid off

"Once the card is paid off you will have good credit again."

It might get a little better, but there's a lot more to it than that.

The credit bureaus look at a lot of stuff to determine your credit rating.  There are five major factors that influence your credit score:

  • Payment history (35%)...  Do you have any very late payments (bad), or do you make all your payments on time (good)?
  • Level of debt/credit utilization (30%)...  For credit cards only, it's a measure of how much debt you have on your cards compared to your credit limits.  They check both the total and for each individual card.  Low debt/credit ratio is good.
  • Age of credit (15%)...  How long have you had the credit account?  Older is better.
  • Mix of credit (10%)...  Do you have lots of different types of credit?  Mortgage?  Car loan?  Credit cards?  A wide variety is better.
  • Credit inquiries (10%)...  It happens when you apply for credit somewhere.  Too many, too recently is bad.

Anyway, there are reasons to close a credit card account...  It's best if you can keep the account and keep it paid off, but if you (or your husband) don't have enough restraint to keep it paid off, then close it.  Having the card maxed out all the time and not paying on time will hurt your credit score far more (30% & 35%) than keeping the mix of credit (10%) or a long-lived account (15%).

Credit cards are the most dangerous type of credit you can have.  They're easy to get, easy to use, with high interest rates and heavy penalties for mistakes.  Just the amount of money you save on interest by not using credit cards would pay for an adequate emergency fund, if you set it aside in a bank account.

If you do choose to close credit card accounts, close the youngest first, close store cards before major credit cards, and try to get them all as close to paid off before you close any of them (utilization is a percentage, so $0 debt out of $1000 credit is just as good as $0 debt out of $10,000). Closing a credit card will never make your score go up, but depending on your spending habits it can prevent it from going back down once you've got it up.

But there are alternatives to completely closing the account.  You can effectively get rid of the card without getting rid of the account (that's what I meant in my first post...  I should have elaborated, sorry).  I cut them up.  Then, I took all the pieces, shuffled up really good, and then froze them into a small block of ice which I then wrapped in brown paper and duck tape.  I keep it in the bottom of the chest freezer in the garage, right underneath the liver, the kidneys and the beef tongue.

I effectively can't use them...  Getting them out to use them would simply be more trouble than it's worth.  But, the accounts are still open and getting paid off.  With effort I can get to the cards and piece them back together, if I need them.




should have used the word "much better".

I am aware how credit works.  I have stellar credit and my score is 820 last I checked.


Pbartender's picture

Lordy, Indeed!

Heh-heh...  I did it again.

So, there's a couple of recent threads asking about ADHDers who talk too much and always have to be right.  I noted in both of them that I tend to do it a lot when I get hyperfocused on a subject, and because of it often come across as a snotty know-it-all, even though my intention is to help.

Yup, here's the proof!  :)

I really didn't mean to insult or disparage you, your advice or your credit score knowledge, MJTWINMOM.   I was just trying to help inform Justwannagiveup for her decision on the credit card in question...  To give a bit of explanation as to why it gets better, and why it might not based on her husband's spending habits.  It came off poorly...  Sorry.

Oh, and kudos on a stellar credit score...  A score like that takes a lot of work and is something to be proud of.



Hey, snotty know-it-all!!!!

I didn't think you were being snotty PB... I found your post very helpful...

I paid off my student loan in one big chunk years ago - not realizing that was the WORST thing to do.


Oh well!

Well gal

I'm happy for you. You're faring far better than the most of our Adhd marriages. If it's working, keep doin' it. That is my advice.

Wanted to update. Our credit

Wanted to update. Our credit card has a small balance right now just as I suspected. We have something we are going to sell though to pay it off again. I also called and lowered our credit limit from 12,5000 to 5000.00. Found out after the fact that that's apparently not good for your credit. Whoops. But my husband has credit monitoring that he pays for and it hasn't showed anything yet. he took that new job and so far we've big been pretty responsible with money. We have to keep each other in check though. He wants to pre-order the new X-box for him and our DS as their Christmas present and I told him that was okay but how is he planning on paying for it? He agreed that he would put all of his Christmas money and DS's towards it and ask family to help out for his Christmas present. Luckily we have generous family members and all that should cover it. I am also planning on a trip to go see my brother in August and have told him that I'm going to pick up a babysitting job to help cover the cost of it, around 500.00. So we've been working really hard not to dip into our savings and use our credit cards and overall were doing pretty good. After his training period at work is over he'll be back up to the pay he was at before and I plan on transfering money to savings out of every check to help build it back up again.


I seriously question the wisdom of trusting anyone with financial decisions, even in a long term relationship.  Having said that, It sounds like you are taking the situation in hand.  I have so much insecurity about my friend's job status that I find myself (already) deciding that his income will just be a bonus and that we will be living off my income. 

I don't know how the law feels about this, seeing as he still owes back support for both spouse and child.  I am hoping that he can continue to meet those obligations (negotiations with his ex are a major concern and I wonder how much intimacy they still have).

I fear that he will try to use me, financially. Of course, that seems to be part of marriage - but in my past circumstances I had a partner with ADHD who seemed to want me as a roommate who would pay up rather than an intimate partner. So, I am skittish. I am willing to put alot on the table for this partnership to happen, but I fear that my friend will have more motive to see me as a banker than motive to continue seeing me as a lover.