So my fiance cheated on me....

My partner and I have been together for 19 months.  He has ADHD and I knew this before we got involved.  We didn't have the whirlwind romance, with wildly romantic gestures and hyperfocus so often described.  We just clicked.

From my reading of how some ADHD people behave, he does not have the most severe behaviours, but he definitely has the whole range.  He is terrible with money.  He can't find a job in his profession as "he can't be left alone to finish anything" according to his bosses.  His driving is dangerous.  His memory is horrendous (when he's tired he can't remember what happened 5 minutes ago, let alone that morning or last week).  He can't plan things.  He doesn't follow through on promises.  His social skills are bad (he says he doesn't understand what is going on, can't keep track of conversations).  He doesn't communicate well.  He probably has dyslexia (according to a psychologist) but has never been formally diagnosed with it.  He processes very slowly, so may need days before he can respond to something that has happened.

However, he is incredibly hard-working and shows up to work every day.  He put himself through tertiary study even with the dyslexia, because he wanted to better himself.  He never denied he had ADHD and never denied the need for things to be done differently in the relationship to adjust for his ADHD-ness.  He is kind and thoughtful and affectionate (at least I thought he was).  He is understanding when I'm upset (again he was, not so much now).  He is funny and cheeky and we have a lot of fun together.  He can do household chores if he decides to and is really good at shopping (rarely misses anything on the list and never gets stuff that isn't). 

He is bisexual and was upfront about that at the beginning, and also admitted to having a somewhat adventurous sex life prior to us getting together.   However he said he had only ever cheated once during a relationship, and that was with an ex-partner at a very emotional time.  He said he had learned his lesson.  He promised me that if he ever felt like he wanted to be with anyone else, he would leave our relationship, that he would never cheat because he knew it would devastate me.  When we have sex its great, but he is inconsistent with that and "forgets" to have sex with me (his words, not mine).  I feel rejected a lot because he will say "oh sorry, I forgot tonight, we can have sex tomorrow night, I promise".  Then repeat the next day etc.

So skip forward to June this year.  He's out shopping for a birthday card and finds a card that has the poem "I promise" by Emily Matthews, the one that starts..."I promise you a love that's true forever and a day".  He randomly gives me the card and a teddy bear just because he thought it was everything about how he felt.  It's on my desk at work and I look at it every day.

Then in July, he proposes to me.  He gets down on one knee and says I am the only person for him, he doesn't want anyone else.  He wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

We buy a ring (which he has to pay off) and we spend the next two months planning the wedding.  I got my ring last Friday and finally announced to people that we're engaged.

On Monday night, I find a cellphone in the car.  Not his proper cellphone, a different one.  Which has 81 texts from June (before he bought the promise card) to September arranging meetings with women to have sex.  The day before he proposed to me, he texted two different women trying to arrange "hooking up" for sex.  He admits he went to meet that woman the day before he proposed but that he "chickened out" and left before she got there because he felt "guilty".  He denies having sexual contact with anyone, just the texting and arranging meetings but never going ahead.  He says he stopped in September because he didn't want to hurt me and realised what he was doing.

I cannot believe he would propose to me and promise I was the only one he wanted, knowing he was cheating on me (or at least planning to).  He let me plan our entire wedding and make all these plans for the future knowing he was cheating on me.  For me that is just the cruelest part.  He didn't have to propose to me, I didn't ask him to.  I understand having doubts etc, but going out of his way to propose (I can only assume it was part of the cover up, if I thought things were going well I wouldn't suspect him) is just evil.

The week before my birthday was particularly bad for us.  He rejected me the entire week.  And I find all these texts that same week.  He wasn't interested in me because he was sending sexual texts to some random women.

I had actually suspected something was going on.  He was late home too many times and I would ask why and he'd make up excuses about the traffic being bad.  I asked him so many times was he cheating and he always denied it.

And his excuse?  His ADHD leads to "thrill-seeking behaviour".  For him it was the thrill of not getting caught. 

And why he didn't tell me?  He "forgot" to tell me.

And his defence when I'm crying and yelling and my soul is breaking?  "It's not like I had sex with anyone".

So Mr "I can't plan anything and I can't remember what I say" managed to plan how to meet women, how to hide the texts, cover up the money needs to keep sending texts, remember all the lies and follow through with a plan to cheat on me for four months.

He says he proposed to me because he wants to marry me and that it wasn't a lie.  But both things can't be true.  You can't promise "you're the only one I want" while cheating with other women.

My heart and soul feel broken :( :( :(

 

 

He does not have severe behaviors???

You are saying he does not have the most severe behaviors????? Marry him and you will get a new perspective on how severe any and all of the behaviors really are. This looks like a good case of "love is blind."

I take your point.  What I

I take your point.  What I meant was I didn't used to think he had the most severe behaviours, before I found all this out.  I guess even now, I don't really believe it was because of his ADHD.  A single impulsive one night stand, maybe that could be passed off as ADHD but he made the repeated choice to lie and cheat, that's not what I would consider to be ADHD.

Run.

Ummm... You're right- that's not ADHD- that's just an a$$hole. I am glad you aren't letting him off the hook by attributing it to ADHD and letting him get 'treatment' for it. Ugh. Run far away. Seriously. Cheating impulsively one time is bad enough, but possibly forgivable for some people... but buying an additional phone and planning sex with strangers while planning a wedding. Ummmm... that's unforgivable and pathological. RUN.  Moreover- Pain is temporary, pride is forever. You need to have some self-respect and leave this jerk.  Your heart will break- but you will feel better in time and are avoiding a million times more pain in the long run.

 

Vinsky, I'm really sorry you

Vinsky,

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I had a similar situation with my husband when we were dating. During a very traumatic time, he met a girl online and started e-mailing her. It didn't get far...he told her if she was ever in the same town, he'd be happy to show her around. Even so, I thought that was too much of an opening for a man who was saying that he wanted to marry me.

After taking a week "off", he came back and was very sorry. We pulled ourselves together and now we married. We found about a year in that he was ADHD. Now I know that he was upset that I didn't react well during the traumatic event that occurred and instead of confronting me about it, he was thinking about breaking up with me and starting fresh with someone new. But my reaction to this was such that he realized how much I loved him and how much he loved me. Since then there have been two situations where he was accused of cheating but one was so fantastical it couldn't be believed and the other didn't check out (he was supposedly cheating on me with a girl at the same time he was in bed with me at home).

Now your case is not an isolated incident. It sounds like your fiance may have a sex addiction if he looking for hook-ups. There were many girls in the mix with no emotional connection. That can bring you a little comfort, nevertheless, this is a big red flag and I would definitely put marriage on hold. He needs counseling ASAP. Whether you decide to hold his hand through this process is another matter entirely. You need to examine your ability to forgive him and believe that this was a one-time thing. You may think you can do this (in theory) but will you always be watching him and wondering? I spent a good portion of my marriage worried that my hubby is cheating. I still worry a bit because he's a night owl and is often out and about because he can't stand to be contained at the house. No matter how much time passes, you will never forget what happened. You can only endeavor to forgive.

I will admit that because he has done it before, to someone else, is troubling. It sounds like when he is stressed, he turns to other people for comfort, whether it be an ex or a string of women for supposed one night stands. It's pattern and it needs to be dealt with.

I don't envy the choices that you have to make, but I hope the situation will lead to what you most need and desire in a relationship, with or without him.

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

I do slightly wonder about the sex addiction part of it.  I have been yelling a lot and asking a lot of questions, but one thing has stuck with me.  He's always been quite up front about his sexual desires and that I don't meet them (particularly the having three-somes part which he jokes about often enough for me to know it's a real desire). 

So last night I point blank asked him and he admitted that he has never been satisfied sexually in our relationship so that is why he went to find it elsewhere.  I don't know if that sexual addiction, or just a lack of commitment.  I don't blame myself as I was honest from day one about what I was willing to do and what I wasn't willing to do in bed, and made special effort to improve things that I was willing to do.  It just wasn't enough for him.

So when I think about whether I can stay or not, all I can think is if he was never satisfied before, that is never going to change and so he'll just keep doing it.  He insists he never actually had sex with anyone, but even if that is true (which I don't know) the desire for it was always there, and the intent to cheat was there for months.

I feel so stupid.  I feel like I should just leave, what he has done is unforgivable and I feel physically ill when I think about what he did.  I feel like if I stay then I will be back here in weeks/months/years kicking myself because he did it again.  But something is stopping me from leaving and I don't know what it is.  Maybe I am trying to understand what he did.  If I could just understand it then I could move on with my life without him. 

Sorry for what you are experiencing

 

Sex addiction, thrill seeking behavior or whatever label he/or anyone wants to put on it, it doesn't make it right, you deserve better and deserve to be loved and respected more. Betraying your trust must have been a huge slap in the face and then turning around and trying to distract you with the hopeless romantic statement of "you're the only one I want" is just a nice ploy to side track you (telling you what you want to hear) and from him not truly owning up to the shady behavior of his. Sorry if this comes off harsh I have just been in this position before and don't believe there is any excuse for someone to do this to the person they love and cherish. He needs to truly own the behavior and quit making excuses for his hurting you. Having ADD or ADHD is not a hall pass to treat the ones you love carelessly. Again my apologies if this comes off harsh, I am sure some will read this and have some issue with what I wrote. I am just a another anonymous person on here reaching out to say you aren't alone. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

You're not being harsh

Everything you say is true.  It's everything I've been telling myself.  I just keep crying and yelling at him.  It's all I can do.  It's all I can think about.  I haven't been to work for three days.  I don't know how to get out of this pattern.

I hope things get better for you

 

I know the position you are in all too well. I hope you can find the strength to pick yourself up and make the best decision for you and your heart. I think the thing that kept me staying in my situation was I too was trying like hell to understand the behaviors that my fiance was doing;  hoping that somehow by understanding the behaviors I may get some better clarity into the relationship and how I could work with him to "fix" the issue/solve the problem (end the behaviors), or figure out my part in the equation that drove him to do the toxic behaviors  (by reflecting on what I may have done to cause this, I was taking more of the blame/accountability off of him though, when it was he who went and betrayed my trust he didn't have to but chose to hurt  me;  instead of meeting me halfway and addressing whatever the issue he was facing). I finally came to the realization that if he truly was vested/committed in the relationship ADD or no ADD he would have come clean/owned his behaviors and would have stepped up and made an honest effort to change his hurtful behavior. Please remember you deserve better than this.  Hopefully a good friend(s) are there for you at a time like this and will let you cry on their shoulders/vent etc.. isolating yourself sometimes makes the pain harder to work through.

vinksy,

don't stay away from work or your usual life because of this situation,if I was you I would keep busy because it would not change the fact.well I am you to some point,and I have learnt my lesson well,I would not work for days because I would just stay at home and feel sorry for myself and hurt and all the emotions came poring through.I could not eat,sleep, breath, think.It got me no where,he remain the same and I just felt worse.Maybe he would stop all his bad habits for some time then he would start back again,it never goes away,it just stops for a few days or so, but I wish you the best,

stay strong I know how hard this is.

lovehurts.

I've been with my severely

I've been with my severely ADHD husband for 12 years now and I promise you it will only get worse.  My husband cheated on me more times than I will ever admit before we were married, and would still deny it even when I brought proof!  I was working full time, commuting 5+ hours a day and going to law school at night when my husband started a year long affair with a married woman.  Guess what....I had texts coming to my cell phone, I had copies of the emails, I found the spare phone they bought after they got sick of me checking and confronting them on the phone records.  It didn't stop.  Still denied it was anything like I thought....Guess what.  It wasn't.  We were married by that point, and when I finally did walk away, he came back begging me to please work it out.  Well....he stopped cheating for about a two years.  Then one day, his ex-wife who always accused him of still sleeping with her, claimed to be pregnant.  Now...she lies constantly about this kind of stuff (his whole family is as a disaster, strung out on drugs, no jobs etc).  I didn't believe her, stuck by my husband and then came the day I was laying in bed in labor waiting for my husband to come home and take me to the hospital for the birth of our second son.  I laid there for 5 days in labor with a breach baby.  I knew I was in pain, but the hospital sent me home the first day and told me not to come back until my water broke.  So I laid there not knowing my baby was breach and was in the worst pain imaginable.  My husband disappeared on Friday night and would not answer his phone or come home for 5 days despite having our only car and me being at his mom's house since he lost our money and got us evicted from our house.  I finally borrowed his mom's car and drove myself to my dr apt 1.5 hrs away (because that were we used to live and that was my dr and where I was going to have our baby).  They sent me in for an emergency c-section because well I had been in labor for those 5 days and the baby had to come out.  My husband refused still to answer the phone and finally did get his head out of his butt long enough to show up just in time to have the surgery.  Took him calling the hospital first because he thought I was just trying to get him home.  When he was asleep in the cot next to us the next day, I went through his phone and found an email to someone for random sex and he had to meet her before 10 (because I had a dr apt he said he was going to take me to).  I was in labor while my husband was sleeping with some woman off craigslist.  Are you seeing where this is going yet? ...  I have stayed with my husband and did everything I could because it wasnt until after all this that we discovered his problem.  I am still here today even after being left at the pier the other night with our two toddlers as he took all our money and left in his car to go play poker, though only excused himself to go to the bathroom.  RUN!!!  RUN!! RUN!!!

I promise you I am in moral hell and miserable inside for my pathetic excuse of loyalty and attempt to keep this illusion of a family together.  I'm not a dumb, uneducated woman either.  I'm a beautiful 34 yr old with two BA degrees and two years of law school completed.  I work in a big law firm, make 6 figures, and just started my own real estate business as well.  I have all of that and yet I am hiding money always, checking his phones, confronting him on inappropriate tweets when hes drunk and not supposed to be drinking.  I'm in and out of court because of his DUI's and constantly putting out fires because of his impulse problems.  I make six figures and don't have a pot to pee in.  Literally fighting another eviction because my husband screwed us again.  I took away his access to our account and I only give him cash, yet he still finds ways to somehow get it.  Brief moments like I handed him the card to hold because I didn't have pockets and we were walking with the boys and getting dinner.  Please.....run.  Please.  It hurts now, but it gets worse.  You want more horror stories, let me know.  I have 12 years of them.  Please...I love my husband and it breaks my heart to know he's doing things the normal him would NEVER do.  Please....believe me.  I have always believed he was my soul mate and I still do.  But it's not worh it.  I don't regret having my children, they are my world, but I regret not walking away the first time his ex-wife showed up at our house claiming to still be sleeping with him.  PLEASE BELIEVE ME....IT GETS WORSE.  EVEN WHEN YOU THINK IT CAN'T IT DOES.  My husband is in and out of jail and hasn't held a job in 12 yrs.  Please run.

I wish you the best.  I really do.  I'm sorry it is like this.  But it sounds like you're on the same path I am.  And the path only gets worse and more hurtful.  

I am so sorry....

For what you are going through foundy.  I am sure that sounds trite, but I am sincere even though I can't imagine the pain and anguish you must be living with.

I have to tell you that I

I have to tell you that I honestly loved him with every once of my being.  I never fought so hard for anything in my life, and I'm a fighter.  I appreciate your sympathy and understanding for my situation.  And I know it's a tough spot to be  in your shoes.  Nothing anyone said to me then would have changed my mind.  I ran off and married my husband alone, with no support, and telling no one.  We had no rings, no dress, no friends, no pictures.  He promised me my dream wedding, which never happened for all the reasons it didn't.  I got a ring at Christmas that year, only to find two weeks later his affair had started.  I got another new ring and huge lavish proposal to remarry him, after the incidents with his ex-wife.   I cut my family off because of our marriage, because I knew that even though they loved me and only wanted the best, they just didn't understand the real him....the man I see when everyone else is gone.  Nothing would have changed my mind despite knowing what I already knew.  Today, I'm fighting to get him to please stay sober, but nothing works.  I know only you can see and decide for yourself, but go in this smarter than I did.  Please learn all you can about the disorder, and the struggles.  If I knew what I know now, I would have walked away.  Just sit back, be honest with yourself.  Do not go in this with rose colored glasses.  I never thought that'd I'd ever put up with this much, and never did.  But I'm here 12 years later and fighting alone to keep a marriage that was over a long time ago.  Please go in educated and open eyed.  I wish you the best either way.