So New to All This and Still Don't Know Where I'm Going

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about a month and a half ago. I had performed some research on ADHD and realized how it was always there from the day we got married, had our child and present day.  He is taking Adderall and it took awhile for him to get the right amount but it seems it has stabilized him. 

I think I'm on the brink of depression because I can't seem to figure out the right time to approach him about anything.  Everything he tells me I do wrong, he is actually doing.  He has been out drinking with his co-worker which reports to him.  He has no other friends.  I went through being the whole focus of his life, he was always so expressive vocally and physically.  We had our child about 6 years ago the same time he started to work for this company.  He has been working here all this time.  He works very hard.  Lately, he has been drinking almost everyday. 

We had an episode about two weeks ago where he thought he was going to get a promotion and was convinced he was not. He called me completely irrate, telling me all he wanted to do was get drunk and forget who he was and that his brain was so messed up.  He didn't want to be around me, his family or anyone else he knew. He told me he had not taken his medication at all that day.  He was just not making any sense when he was talking.  He yelled at me and blamed me for something (I can't remember what it was) then got off the phone abruptly. He called me about 5 minutes later to tell me he was sorry.  He ended up asking for space that night, which I gave him but instead of coming home, he ended up at his co-workers house until the next day.  Apparently, he had misinterpreted my text asking him if he wanted me to wait up for him or to give him space.  He said give him space.  He did text me to tell me that he was taking a cab and crashing at the co-worker's house.

He came home that morning and I had a talk with him asking him if he wanted this marriage. He looked me in the eye and told me that he did.  He told me he loved me.  I told him he had to make a decision about what he wanted because what he did two times now would not happen again.  I would not go through it again.  I then told him that we need to work on our relationship.   Before all this we have been doing date night every Friday and have missed the last two. He has told me more than once that he doesn't want to go out with this person.  He wants him and I to hang out and go and do things.

About two months before that, he did the same thing but never called me that night.  He came home apologizing and was very sorry.  Said it would never happen again.  He got so drunk he couldn't think straight.  Told me he was dumb and it hurt our relationship and he should not go out drinking like that.  He crashed at his co-worker's house again that night.

 We had come close to him wanting a divorce in Feb because of all sudden he didn't want to do this anymore .  He had told me that he still loved me (he had stopped telling me that everyday) but the nagging  and controlling was impossible to live with.  Anyway...that was really rough but we got through that.  This is when I had begged him to get some help that something was not right.  He waited until this time to get the help. It just seems that he uses the drinking as a way to unwind.  It is always the person he is with, his coworker.  He tells me he is a grown man and that it should not matter that he has a couple of cocktails after work.  He waits until he sobers up before he drives home.

Anyway, I have noticed that he has been very physical with me.  Holding me, touching me, always telling me he loves me.  This has happened gradually as he has taken his medicine.  He also has a side job that he told me he was trying to get out of, but it seems to be that every couple of weeks, he has something to do with.  We are not having any sex in about a month because he is finding he has ERD because of the Adderall, but this morning we got closer to it. 

My son is sick today and I asked him to come home on time to give me a break.  He asked me to get my mother to watch him.  I told him she should not be available when it is us as parents that should take care of our sick child. He told me he couldn't because he was doing the side job tonight.  I didn't know anything about it until he mentioned it.  I can't help it but  don't know what to think other than it is an excuse for him to go out and drink?  He has been answering my texts.  Told me he was having a bad day (he always is) and called me when he was at lunch getting something to eat.  He was very short with me.  He called me about two hours later after I sent him a text telling him I was falling apart and really stressed and burned out to check to see how I was doing.  His tone was so different. I could tell he had taken his medicine.

He doesn't spend money excessively, he does charge everything on the credit card.  I become paranoid because I think he is going out to drink again like he did once this week.  I do all the finances, take care of my son's appts, make sure food is on the table and laundry is done.  I also work full time.

My mother-in-law has taken care of getting my son from school the past two weeks because I can not get off early enough.  My husband can't either because he never gets off on time lately.  He has gotten word last week that he will now be promoted.  He had apparently misunderstood what they were doing.  He keeps telling me he is scared he won't get it but has a new found lease on life and has been very aggressive in getting all his work done. I forgot to mention there are only two of them in the department. He had someone fired which he later regretted the mistake, because he realized the workload is now uncontrollable to the point where he is ALWAYS working.  So he has been home late every day this week for one reason or another.  He was late on Monday because we had a family dinner and he had a last minute meeting.  He was late on Tuesday and I asked him if he had gone out to drink and he admitted it to me on the phone.  I asked him with who and he told me with his co-worker.  Wednesday, him and his brother took his dad out for a birthday dinner.  Tonight, he can't come home on time because he has this side job.  Doesn't know what time he will come home. He gets angry when I ask him that every time and I understand a ADHD person has issues with time, so maybe that is why?  He has also been chronically late every morning and it is getting worse.  He used to be early to work every day except for the past three weeks.  He tells me he is exhausted and when he takes the Adderall all he wants to do is sleep but he can't seem to shutdown.

He comes home everyday and immediately gets on his computer and starts working.  It's like he never stops working.  His time management at work is getting worse, because he doesn't even have time to take a full lunch anymore, yet alone call me.  That has almost diminished.  He now starting not to finish the tasks he was to perform the night before.  Yesterday he was supposed to do two things and could only get one done because the other one took too much time.

I try to talk to him about reading the ADHD Affects on Marriage book and tell him about his son.  He has such empathy for him but has averaged, especially, this week, seeing him a total of a couple of hours.

Just when I think he is not hearing me telling him he has to try to engage and pay attention to me and his son, he does it!  So I don't know if it is the medicine or the guilt of what he is really doing.

I trust him but because he holds things from me should I be worried?  I think our physical touching, hugging, holding hands, kissing and caressing each other is getting so much better!  But right now I'm looking at the clock knowing I won't hear from him until he is on his way home and it bothers me.

I know he has been talking to his psychiatrist because the night he went out drinking this week I asked him if he was having an affair.  He got so upset with me and told me not to start doing that again.  He said that I was insecure and just kept yelling.  He got a cigarette.  Instead of letting it go, I couldn't.  I lashed out at him about his drinking and that he needs to be straight up with me because I couldn't stand doing this anymore.  He then told me to go away and leave him alone. I then went to the room crying and he finished his cigarette, turned on the light and asked me to look at him in the eye. He told me that he was not sleeping with anyone and never has and that I need to understand that once and for all.  He said that it drives men away when their spouse keeps saying that. Then he told me that I need to hear his queue when he asks me to leave before he blows up and that his psychiatrist told him to say, please leave me alone and he asked me to listen to that queue.  That made me feel good because it to me it looks like he is talking to his psychiatrist about us.

Am I being paranoid?  If I go out with a friend, I tell him ahead of time...I also want to add, I have lost a lot of weight and am trying to get myself straight, but I can't help thinking the way I do because the attention is not there. He notices me and tells me I'm beautiful so again the communication is there, but not consistently.  I know our marriage hasn't been perfect and I am trying to let go of the anger and move forward but can't help but think something else is catching his attention and it might not be good.

Any advice you can provide would be helpful! 

UPDATE:  He just called me again to tell me that he was on his way to the side job!  He wanted to check on both of us to see how we were doing.  I don't know what to think anymore.

 

 

Reading your post really

Reading your post really REALLY brings back a lot of memories for me. I don't have time to go into all of the details about the similarities in our situations, our husband's behaviors, and our entire history.

I did want to say this...the way you are reacting, the things you are needing from him, the way you are over-thinking everything, the way you keep trying to 'fix' him...it doesn't work. Your entire life revolves around him..will he work late? will he drink? why aren't we having sex? is he cheating? and all of the other chaos that he seems to be experiencing. It does not sound to me like his ADHD is controlled, as a matter of fact this behavior looks like my husband when his ADHD is completely out of control. I cannot say for sure, it just all sounds (and feels) so familiar.

I urge you, before you do one more thing in an effort to control him or 'get him to see' what he's doing, you buy the book CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie and read it. Read it and read it until you understand how you are contributing to your own misery and (probably) making his ADHD worse and pushing him away. Please understand...this is a very, very hard thing to swallow, but it was some of the best advice Melissa gave me...you are asking for things that he may not be able to give you right now. Mostly answers. You just have to start focusing on you and your son and let him live his own life and make his own choices. You cannot sit and obsess over everything he's doing and why he's doing it.

Lastly...please be careful. You know him better than anyone else, but just please be careful. If you've already had the idea that he's cheating cross your mind, then there might be a reason. Keep your guard up. Regardless, you need some control of things in your life and you have to take the focus off of him and just try and get yourself to a healthier place. You can't change him. You can't fix him. You can't be 'enough' of anything that will make his ADHD any different. Many times, them knowing how much we 'need' from them, makes them come that much more 'unglued'. Get the book.

(((HUGS)))

I'm thinking the meds aren't working...

First, he needs to change the dose or change from adderrall to something else. It sounds like he is "not himself", not sleeping, very scattered, very irritable, very depressed, extremely anxious, dinking excessively (i have heard drinking calms the thoughts in their head), BUT alcohol is a depressent as well. Adderrall is supposed to CALM HIM down. It is supposed to help him think clearly. This is clearly not working. I would push hard for this, write down how he was before meds and how he is now. Show him by caring about him, his professional career, his lack of order, the anxiety, the flip flopping on couches. Hopefully there is something to compare from before to now and it will click for him. Don't encourage to stop meds, encourage something else to help calm his racing thoughts. Lack of sleep IS a form of torture. No one in their right mind could function if they weren't able to sleep. Call his doctor with all of your observations - you don't need to have a session with his doctor, but ask him if you could tell him something in the best interest for his patient. It WILL take a LONG time to get the medicine right. A very long time. Be patient, look up all the side effects of each medication he is on so YOU know what to look for. Look to see if it is doing what it is prescribed to do. Be an advocate for you! Know what you are dealing with inside and out. We want them to feel better, be calm and be their best self. Keep us posted!

I also think the point has

I also think the point has been made more than once about the NEGATIVE effects of alcohol on the ADHD brain. You take STIMULANT meds to speed up the frontal lobe to where it operates at a 'normal' speed...so that the thought processes work better, emotions are more recognizable and controlled, etc. (ideally). You add something that s..l..ooooo..w..s everything down, and the meds don't stand a chance. If drinking is happening daily, then you'll never get a good picture of the real value/effects of the medication. Adderall might be right for him, but with the mix of the two substances, who knows?

The ADHD meds HELPED my husband be able to sleep for the first time in his life. He is now drinking more (almost everyday...even if just a beer or two) and he MAY sleep 3-4 hours a  night. In the past I explained to him the reasons that people with ADHD should avoid any kind of regular alcohol consumption, but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears. I don't know why he drinks or what it does for him (he is doing it at home, alone, in the den...so it isn't the social aspect of it at this point). I hope he works it out with his psychiatrist, if the meds aren't giving him what he needs. I know for many people the urge to drink was greatly diminished when they started the meds. Since his behavior has been better thus far (no hostility or aggression) I am thinking maybe he might need a higher dosage.

But, anyway...just some food for thought about the meds and mixing them with alcohol. It could be part of what is going on and why he still seems to be having some chaotic moments even on the meds. They just aren't meant to be used together.

I do remember hearing and

I do remember hearing and reading that the meds sometimes make drinking less tolerant. My DH said the other day that the new pills, adderrall, has made it impossible for him to sleep, his mind is racing all day long and he can't seem to slow it down. He has not been drinking.... Other than one beer (he said at family funeral last week). His doctor told him that adderrall should slow him down and calm him down... That this was not working right... However, our insurance isn't covering any of the meds, so i think he is trying to give it more time. He has been on meds for over 10 years and this is just another of a slew of meds he has been on. Some meds work great and some meds would drive them batty. I would hate that feeling all day long.

Thanks

Thank you both for replying and giving me your perspective.  He called me tonight to ask me if I wanted him to bring us something home for dinner.  He told me he had to work late.  I told him we were waiting on him and dinner was almost ready.  He told me not to wait and proceed with dinner.  I had texted him earlier to ask him if his day had gone any better and he had said no.  He sent me a text early this morning checking on us to see how we were doing and then tried to call during lunch time.  I called about 2 hours later and he picked up the phone.  His tone was like it was tonight. Calm but not happy.  Not pleased at all.  I asked him if he was doing ok.  He said no.  I then asked him why he called and he said that was a long time ago. He was checking to see how we were doing.

I knew this was coming.  I tried not to react a certain way when he called tonight, but it came through when I asked him what time did he think he would be home and he said he didn't know.  I then rephrased the question asking him when would he be home.  He said again he didn't know.   He said he would text me when he was getting ready to leave.  I then said it seems you never know and told him whatever. I got off the phone abruptly.

I then took a different stance because I realized that I was letting his evening affect me. I sent him a text asking him to call me when he leaves.  The texting is getting ridiculous.  (I receive lots of texts from friends and I'm getting tired of not having that verbal conversation). I told him work was enslaving him and that to please come home soon and that I had missed him all day.  I apologized for my attitude. I then told him I don't understand what is going on anymore.

He responded with a text that stated he still loves me.  I told him I hoped so and that I just want him to be home with us.  I then asked him if he would have a glass of wine with me when he got home.  He replied with a yes.  I don't know why I asked him that when I didn't really mean it.

He told me last night he didn't want to do the side job anymore and that he was trying to get out of it.  It was just too much and that he had something else to do in a couple of weeks.  He then read the email to me that was sent from the company.

I've had a great a productive day.  I worked from home while my sick son is getting better.  I think it is the work right now, along with what you guys talked about.  But I know he is with his co-worker and what is to stop him from going out tonight?  I wouldn't know any better.

I've read your posts and I am obsessing about this.  I have very good days.  Today was one of them where I let go everything about him and concentrate on what I wanted to do.  I will continue to do this.  I am exercising early tomorrow morning and then I will be gone most of the day.  I want him to be with his son tomorrow!  I love him to death, but I need a break.  I was also contemplating going to see my mom for the weekend.  She lives in another state. I just need to clear my head and stop thinking the way that I do. 

I will try to get a copy of that book this weekend so I can start reading it.

thank you both again for the responses.