I'm new here and going through the same issues many of you are currently or have previously.
My husband and I have been married 5 years. The relationship was rocky and drama-filled from day 1. He was verbally abusive and at times physically threatening (he never hit me, but broke things). He cheated on me repeatedly. He used drugs and drank too much. He was addicted to pornography. He has been marginally employed or unemployed for the entire time we've been together, despite us being in dire financial straits at times.
Many things have improved; The abuse has essentially ended. He has a tendency to say incredibly insensitive and hurtful things, but he's not generally abusive anymore. He has been faithful and stayed away from porn for a few years now. He no longer uses drugs and I am comfortable with the amount of alcohol he consumes. I know he has put in a lot of work and effort to make these changes.
Our two main issues are all the lasting effects of his previous abusive and otherwise bad behaviour and the unemployment.
His status diagnostically is a little up in the air. He was put on Cylert as a teenager but it does not appear he was ever officially given the diagnosis of ADD/ADHD. He went off the Cylert very quickly as he lost a significant amount of weight on it and wasn't really committed to treatment at that time. I only found out about this possible ADHD diagnosis recently; he never mentioned it before. It was a relief as prior to that information I thought he was a seriously personality-disordered, morally bereft jerk!
Here are my current frustrations: With my encouragement, my husband went to our family doctor to begin the process of formal diagnosis and treatment. The family doctor agreed he certainly met diagnostic criteria for ADD/ADHD but stopped short of giving him a diagnosis. She gave him 3 options: 1) She could start him on a stimulant and see if it had effect; 2) She could refer him to the Adult ADHD clinic, bearing in mind that the waiting list is currently more than 1 year; or, 3) she could refer him to the clinic's social worker who could, in turn, refer to the practice's psychiatrist, who doesn't specialize in ADHD. My husband chose option 3, which I was originally fine with. Unfortunately, I don't know whether my husband didn't present the issues accurately to the social worker or if they wrote him off as behavioural, but after the social worker presented the case to the psychiatrist, the recommendation was that my husband didn't need to see the psychiatrist and should continue with psychotherapy with the social worker. I'm absolutely livid! My husband, as usual, doesn't see what the issue is. I'm glad that he feels the psychotherapy has been beneficial, but it's not a stimulant. I work in psychiatry; I know how difficult it can be to navigate the system. I'd love to go in there and tell them what my expectations are and get a real plan in place, but my husband doesn't seem to want me getting involved.
On top of this, we have a 4-year-old daughter with major behavioural problems. We have a few diagnoses, specifically dyspraxia and sensory integration disorder. I suspect she also has ADHD. Her constant defiance and aggression is wearing me down. I love her with all of my being but, to be completely honest, most days I don't like her and that breaks my heart. What is particularly frustrating is how unpredictable she is; One minute she's being an absolute joy, the next she's escaping from the house and running onto the street or kicking her baby brother in the head without provocation.
As well, last week I got a phone call from my sister (who is aware of the issues with my daughter but doesn't know anything that's been going on between me and my husband). She just got a diagnosis of adult ADD. She's been struggling for years and has had a variety of diagnoses. She is starting on a stiumlant but as she does have a history of psychosis (which she refuses to treat), I'm anxious about this. When she is not doing well, she tends to be very intrusive and demanding, and I just don't have anything to give right now.
I have recently been working hard at creating more joy in my life. I had been miserable for years, feeling like I'm just dragging myself through life. The weight of responsibility has been huge. For the most part this has been successful; I've lost 25 pounds and I'm looking for a new job (I figure if I have to single-handedly support the family, it might as well be in a job I enjoy). But other days, like today, it feels like nothing is changing and I'm stuck.
boggled at doctor
Submitted by arwen on
ezgeem, I'm completely boggled that your family physician did not offer the option of a referral to a *neuro-psychiatrist*. Many neurologically-based mental disorders can be mistaken for another. These specialists deal with the entire spectrum of neurologically based mental disorders such as ADD/ADHD. They are best trained to make the most accurate diagnosis. This is the kind of doctor your husband needs to see for a thorough diagnosis.
I understand your spouse is satisfied with the current arrangement, but counseling is rarely enough. Can you approach the family doctor and find out why she did not include this option, and find out if she can in fact recommend such a doctor to your husband? If he hears from a professional that there is another option he should look into, it may mean more than if it comes from "just" his wife.
I know this may sound extreme, but I think you ought to inquire of your family doctor whether she can recommend a behavioral counselor for your daughter as well. There are counselors who specialize in dealing with young children. My husband and son both have ADD, and although my son wasn't formally diganosed until he was in high school, he began counseling for his behavioral problems when he was 7 years old. He started with one of these specialists, then the next year moved on to a family counselor. There's no question the counseling has made an important difference in his development. I don't think it would have been as effective if we'd waited until it was a very serious problem. One consideration to keep in mind is that part of your daughter's behavioral problems may stem from the influence of your husband's behaviors -- that may suggest that family counseling would be more appropriate in your case. (Our family did some of that, too.) Family counseling has the added benefit of including *you* in the discussions, which could be very helpful to you not only in dealing with your daughter but also in dealing with your husband.
The problem with you sister is tough, too, but I feel compelled to suggest to you that you get other family members to deal with her issues rather than you -- you have enough on your plate within your own four walls right now, and whether she understands that or not, you have to make the decision that's best for you and the family you are living in today.
My heart is breaking for you, you are in a very hard place and I know from what I went through myself what you are feeling. From my experience, I think you have the right idea to create more joy in your life. If I hadn't been able to do a few things that I loved, I'd have gone off the deep end. I will keep you in my prayers. Good luck!
Thank you
Submitted by ezgeem on
Thank you for your support and insights. I'm feeling stronger today.
I think you're right that a neuro-psychiatrist would be ideal. I suspect our family doctor just isn't used to dealing with these issues and isn't aware of the resources. Perhaps I need to do a bit more legwork and find the names of appropriate psychiatrists and ask for the referral to them. Having spoken to my husband a bit more, it appears he's very resistant to my getting involved as he likes the psychotherapist he's been connected to and was under the mistaken belief that I wanted him to stop seeing her for a different treatment. So, I have reassured him that this isn't an either/or situation. My bottom line is diagnosis and an evidence based treatment plan, but that doesn't exclude other adjunctive treatments that he finds beneficial.
I'd love to do family counselling. Right now, finances are an issue. I'm reluctant to go to a therapist who doesn't have a background or experience in these issues (who may be less expensive) as I know from personal and professional experience that an uninformed therapist can do a significant amount of harm. Our plan right now is to have our daughter assessed by a private neuro-psychologist (my mom is graciously footing the bill). I am also on the waiting list for a parenting course for families of children 4-12 years old who have behaviour issues.
Anyway, thank you for listening. It frequently feels like no one in my circle can identify with what is going on with us, and I feel judged as either an incompetent mother for creating the situation (in the case of my daughter) or a masochistic idiot for putting up with it (in the case of my husband).