So so tired...

I am just tired, sorry but needed to vent. 

My husband said he would have ADHD since his son was diagnosed. He was just like his son when he was a kid. We have tried counseling/treatment, took Dr Thomas Brown's test but the result was, he didn't have it. He was surprised about it though. We didn't know this test takes a patient's word, not family member or friends who are close to him/her. The doctor had some serious health issues, closed his clinic. End of the treatment.

The biggest issue I have is his abusive behavior. He is verbally abusive, has got physically abusive too. He says things are not true about me and this makes me so angry. Often times I can't hold but yell him back. Then he yells me back more and says "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!", goes to his room and close a door. When he got physical, I called 911 but I regretted it. Once police involved, people who I have never met were discussing about our issue. I had very hard time to contact my domestic violent advocate or police officer, not being able to know what was happening or what was going to happen clearly. I felt helpless/hopeless. After that, I stuff to myself even more. I feel I am more frustrated, irritated and angry. Then once things get smooth, which means I am the one to break the ice, his nice personality comes back but it doesn't last long.

We had an argument recently again, we didn't talk for 6 days, I broke the ice again. We had nice Friday and Saturday but last night, he became irritated because I couldn't tell who that was on the TV screen. He asked me if I knew that guy but I didn't, plus I was doing something else with my laptop. He gets irritated when he doesn't get my full attention. He doesn't give me his attention often times though. I get ignored often.

I probably just leave and get a divorce since I am complaining instead of being positive or trying to make some changes. I used to be like that but I am so so so tired being put down constantly. I wish I have energy to leave.  Or at least I could have someone to talk without being judged. I feel like I stuffed inside too much, I became so heavy and tired.

Appreciate you are reading what I have in me now. Thank you so much.