So tired of it...

Well, as I'm sure you can all tell from my forum name and post topic, I'm at my wits end.  I've been with my fiancé for three years now.  We have a two year old son.  The first year of our relationship was great.  Caring, considerate, and generally awesome.  When my fiancé got pregnant, it slowly started to change.  The first few months with our new baby boy were pretty good.  Yet, of course had the usual issues that arise for new parents.   Sleeplessness, and constant needs of our son left us both very tired.  There was always something to do.  However, at the time we took it pretty well.  We both worked together to care for our son.  I work full time and she is a stay at home mom.  


where the problems began I would say, started after 6 months.  Our sons first Christmas was approaching.  She went into a whirlwind of crafting and shopping.  She wanted everything to be perfect for his first Christmas.  While I think that is sweet, there is a line between sweet and obsessive.  If any little thing wasn't in line, she would flip out.  Became anxiety ridden and she wasn't sleeping much.  It turned our Christmas into a nightmare and we began fighting a lot.  She expected me to keep up work, the house, and takin care of our son because she felt that her crafts and projects were the most important thing at the time and as our sons father, if I was tired or wanting a break, I was met with sharp criticism, told that "you should want to spend time with your son", and just put down.  It didn't matter to her that I was trying to do everything at the house while supporting or family with our one income.  She was mean, distant, threatening me with leaving with our son, and all around a miserable person to me.  To everyone else, her Christmas spirit shone through and she would tell people that I was just miserable.  Would go talk to her friends and tell them that i didn't want to spend time with our son, and I was trying to control her.


well, it got to the point that I couldn't handle anymore talking to her.  We decided to see a therapist together.  At the therapist, I let her speak first.  She unloaded all of her frustrations and blames on me.  I sat quietly and listened as she placed the blame for all our troubles on me and told the therapist that she thought I needed an anti depressant and I had issues.  Believe me it was not easy, but it paid off.  After she was done he started asking me questions about it all.  After asking me my thoughts and after a couple sessions of this, he (as I have always believed therapists to do) tried to get through to her that I wasn't evil and controlling.  I was her partner and her unwillingness to take responsibility for things in our life is not ok.  He didn't blame her for stuff, but he asked the right questions.  Why she threatened to leave? She wanted to say something to hurt me.  Why did she talk to her friends about me and leave out key parts of the incidents tha have happened?  She needed someone to make her feel like she had support and a backer.  His advice was for her to start regular sessions with him.  Beside our problems she has a very serious issue with death. She has lost a couple close family members over the years and instead of learning to grieve, just self medicated with illegal drugs and alchohol.  She broke down talking to him just at the mention of a deceased family member, which is quite common for her.  Anyway, she went to a couple sessions, our lives turned around completely.  We were both happy, productive and I thought the worst was behind us.  


Fast ts forward almost a year(before Christmas again) and it all starts all over.  When trying to remind her of the advice of our therapist, she says he didn't know what he was talking about.  It's definately me that has a problem.  I'm to blame for all of our troubles.  I manipulated the therapist (a 25 year veteran of couples counseling). And even though I allowed her to direct the conversations, she wasn't able to express herself and that's why he didn't agree with her actions and choices.  I was blown away.  


Problems kept getting worse.  Her anger and anxiety and frustration all poured out of her.  I was constantly being blamed for unrest. It wasn't her fault for not cleaning the house and sleeping all day, it was my fault because I said anything about it.  I got to the point that I didn't even want to come home from work. I started volunteering for overtime any chance I got.  Taking long drives on the way home so that I could have a little peace.  The whole while thinking to myself, what the hell is going on.  Why is she acting like this.  How come when asked by anyone even a stranger for help she jumps on the chance but can't be bothered to work with me at all to help our household run smoothly.  It was frustrating, it was painful, and worst of all, I started feeling like I was raising another child.  One that was a total brat, yet had the power to ruin us financially and me emotionally.  


Finally, after work one evening I broke down.  I didn't care if she threatened to leave.  I didn't care if she blamed me for everything, I needed to get it off my chest and tell her how she was making me feel.  In a level perhaps cold tone I let it all out.   Let her know how I felt and why.  Gave examples and drew parallels to instances in her life that I witnessed that would help her understand where I was coming from.  An amazing thing happened.  She actually paid attention and listened.  She didn't cut me off.  She didn't blame me for feeling that way, and she didn't make excuses.  She listened and told me she could see the pain in my eyes and hear it in my voice.  She apologized and said she would return to a therapist.  


This is time around, she went alone.  I have no idea what she said or anything, but after one of their sessions she came home and was extremely nice.  Made dinner(hardly ever does even though that was part of the deal for being a stay at home mom that she pitched to me) an told me she loved me.  When she saw that I was confused.  She told me that her therapist asked her why she thought I felt unloved and uncared for.  The therapist asked if she could name something she had done lately to show she cared.  Her answer was nothing.  Admittedly nothing.  


That moment of clarity had an impact for about two days.  As soon as she got a call from her friend to go somewhere she was back to her old self.  I was extremely sick.  Fever, chest cold, stomach, the whole none yards.  Could barely stay awake long enough to use the restroom and 0 energy.  She demanded that I watch our son while she went to support her friend at a viewing for her friends grandmother.  When I asked if she could go the next day for the funeral so I had time to find a sitter or get better, she blew up on me and told me I was selfish and an asshole.  She left that night to go help her friend and left me with our 1.5 year old.  It was a struggle to meet his needs, but I did it.  In between drowning my cold in medicine and trying not to throw up, I did my best to play with him and care for him.  It wasn't his fault I felt that way nor did he deserve to be tossed aside for any reason.  


Anyway, I think a picture of what out lives had become is somewhat clearer now, and while I could go on forever about instances that have happened I'll try to wrap it up.  


She returned to yet another therapist.  This one says adhd.  Prescribes her adderall.  All the symptoms are there.  She starts on a low dose and is told it is a tool, not a fix.  Given a bunch of information to read with tips to help.  I read it all which led me to this site.  I've read as much as possible and the similarities between my and others in my boat lives are staggering.  Inconsiderate,forgetful, unreliable, inattentiveness, and general child like behavior seems to be the descriptors most often used, and I couldn't agree more.  But the worst part is, while she accepts the diagnosis and takes the pills(which she has asked for increases on numerous times and is now at 20 mg per dose/twice a day) she vehemently refuses to accept anything else.  She won't read the literature.  She refuses to acknowledge the problems arising from her symptoms.  Still tries to blame me for everything because she sees it as my fault for being upset, not hers for causing it.  And no matter how many times her therapist stresses the importance of exercise, healthyeating and sleeping, and vigilance, she just brushes it off and says she is doing all she can because she takes meds.  


Now, I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been in this boat.  So let me ask this....


what do you do when someone with adhd refuses to work on improvements, or even accept that there is a a problem in the first place.  Ho long do you try to follow the guides and suggestions for non adhd spouses before you just say screw it and walk away with your hands in the air.  What do you do?  :/.