I am the non-ADHD partner, a 35 year old male. My wife is 34, and suffers from not only ADHD, but BPD, OCD, PTSD, and generalized Anxiety. It's an interesting combination.
We followed the standard formula - meet, have an amazing dating life, amazing sex life, quickly get married, and three months later, wind up pregnant with our first daughter (now 2).
We've since had another daughter, now 11 months. Most of the issues stem from before the first pregnancy, else I would consider post-partum depression a factor (which it probably still is, if I'm being honest with myself).
I work, and she is able to stay home with the babies. Due to her PTSD (lost a child at 5 weeks after birth, due to druggy ex-husband's irresponsibility), she has never left our kids with anyone, and goes into panic attacks at the thought of it. Our oldest slept in our room until she was 14 months, our youngest is in the room now and is 11 months. We have room in the house (and furniture, etc.) to move the youngest out to her own room.
We have not been intimate in our relationship for the past year - where previously she was a high-libido partner, she maintains absolutely no interest or desire for sex.
Since she is OCD as well as ADHD, her standards for the house and cleanliness are extremely unforgiving, but it's impossible to expect her to do any of it herself. Most days, I come home from work to see the girls ignored in a corner, while my wife has dragged out the entire china cabinet, cookbook shelf, jewelry box, craft drawer, girl's closets, and any number of other projects that she has started throughout the day.
She had previously shown massive benefits from medication, but earlier this year had been taken off of all psychostimulants and antidepressants due to a major concussion (fell trying to get something off the refridgerator while standing on a chair - ask your 6'4 husband to get it next time!!!). When she started taking them again, they've seem to have greatly exacerbated her symptoms rather than relieving. She's currently on 20/3 Adderol, 0.5/3 Xanax, 80/2 Prozac, and 150 Lamictal. The Lamictal is new, and I suspect the cause of her more recent manic behaviors.
All of that is just a recent snapshot, though. Throughout the 3 years we've been married, she's gone into rages, panic attacks, violent outbursts (fortunately I've got 100 pounds on her), the foulest, most loathesome language and accusations, lies, infidelity, and basically anything else most of the posters go through with their ADHD spouses, on top of the massively high expectations and the constant reminders that nothing I do is good enough for her.
I'm just at the end of my rope, and I'm venting. I feel like I'm the father of 3 children, and the youngest two are the easy ones! I feel that she puts absolutely nothing into this marriage that I couldn't get from a daycare. She literally doesn't do anything throughout the day, except find more and more projects to destroy the house with, so that she can go have her "me time" after I get home from a 12 hour work day and have to cook, clean, bathe the kids, put them to bed, do laundry, make sure she's taking her medications, etc. etc. etc. etc.
I have begged her to go to a counselor for her PTSD and Anxiety, but she refuses since she "doesnt' want to revisit it" and "you just don't understand so you have no right to say anything."
I have begged her to see a couples counselor together, so that we can learn to see through each other's eyes - but she refuses, since she "doesn't want anyone knowing about our business."
My family is 500 miles away, I have no friends since we moved to a new city 2 years ago (military retirement), and all I do from 5am until 1am is run, run, run, run, run. I'm exhausted.
Is there anything left for me? Am I just enabling her behavior and making things worse by not taking the bait when she picks a fight? Is there any hope at salvaging this utter trainwreck of a marriage??
See title.
Wow. This sounds awful, for
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Wow. This sounds awful, for you and for your wife. I have no suggestions right now but please know, you have my sympathy.
Seek fellowhip in a community Church.
Submitted by c ur self on
I suggest you find a church family close by and get involved in fellowship. If you have to do it alone. Hopefully your wife will come along also. You both desperately need face time and interaction with mature adults who can support you and love you, and encourage your wife in accountablity...It's too much for you, It's obvious from your post you are overwhelmed...I've been there and trust me, you need interaction, and comfort from caring people. Your little one's also need it...I will pray for your family.
Reach out.
Submitted by jackrungh on
I definitely think you should seek outside help either from some kind of community or, more probably, a professional.
The only way you are going to make this happen is to make it an ultimatum. Make it a choice between the dissolution of your homelife and this route to better mental health. Like many of the non-ADHD people who have posted here before, you need to assess the ultimate willingness of your spouse to seek help by making that the only choice standing in the way of you leaving with the kids. Since she has a track record of violent outbursts, it may be beneficial to get all these affairs sorted out ahead of time, and be ready to set up elsewhere if necessary. If possible it might even be most optimum to bring a third-party to mediate the discussion.
It sounds like you still have a lot of fondness for your wife, and I'd get pro-active about changing your status-quo before that changes. When the love has been worn down to nothing it might make your decision easier, and that may just be a goodbye. Personally, with infidelity in the mix, I don't think I could handle working to secure a healthier relationship. I hope you can find a happy resolution.
Put the kids first
Submitted by sunlight on
I think you need to look hard at your children's future when deciding how to move forward (I don't think you can afford not to, for their sake if not hers).
She never leaves the kids with anyone (not even relatives?) but she ignores them during the day and is thoroughly absorbed in her own preoccupations? This is not healthy or safe for such young children, nor modelling healthy personal or social relationships for them - which will make life difficult for them when starting school or dealing with non-family members to say the least.
Who is prescribing all the drugs? Is she seeing a psychiatrist and if so is it possible to get an evaluation from another one? I agree with jackrungh, you are probably going to have to make this an ultimatum somehow, you need someone else involved, and you should probably prepare in advance for fireworks when you discuss this and endeavour to make sure the kids are not impacted if she blows up.