So what are you supposed to do with the anger?

OK, I'm new here and haven't read every single post, but the recurrent theme seems to be that the non ADHD spouse is supposed to let go of the anger. Sounds noble and all that, but how? Oh, I can try to be less critical and sarcastic and bitchy, at least some of the time, but I feel depressed and overwhelmed by how hard it is to accomplish the simplest thing in my family. (I have a card-carrying ADHD husband and child, and another child who is probably disorganized enough to qualify.) And when my veneer of patience cracks, there's real fury just under the surface.

Does anyone remember the book and/or the movie A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, with the sweet, unreliable, alcoholic father whom everyone loved, and the pinched, nagging mother whom everyone hated? I feel like that mother (though not nearly as pretty as Dorothy McGuire). I turned to this site with great hope, but I seem to keep getting the message that I should be endlessly patient and tolerant and encouraging on top of everything else that I have to do because no one else is organized enough to take care of it. It sounds as if my husband supposed to get a free pass to be three hours late (or months or years) and leave tasks half-done, while I'm supposed to keeping smiling and picking up the pieces. He'd definitely be happier, but I'm too sad and exhausted and, well, mad to pull it off.... Am I the only one who feels this way?