Hello everyone, I'm new here. My name is Andy and I am actually a single man in a serious dating relationship. The week between Christmas and new years, I stayed with my girlfriend's sister and her husband (and my girlfriend was there too). I had a wonderful time, but after it was over, my girlfriend informed me that I was rude to her family unintentionally the whole time I was there. I struggle a lot with social etiquette in ways most people take for granted. Here are some examples what I struggle with:
For example,
-when my girlfriend's sister did things kind for me, I didn't say thank you (but I felt thankful in my heart)
-I’m afraid to go out of my way to help someone. They have to ask me for help first.
-If there’s tasks needing to be done, I just stand there not knowing what to do and wait until someone tells me something specific to do. Apparently I was expected to take the initiative to clean up around the house while I was there but I didn't know what to do so I didn't ask.
-I’m not considerate of others in my words and actions. I say things others take the wrong way or I do things that make others think I’m rude. While I was visiting, I meant to ask if I could stay an extra day here's how it came out of my mouth: "I've decided to stay another day" which sounded like I was making a demand.
-In romantic relationships, I’m a passive man and it typically leads to a breakup. My girlfriend felt hurt by an unkind comment of her brother-in-law. She was uncharacteristically quiet the rest of the time but I failed to take notice of it and comfort her.
-At another gathering (thanksgiving), I put a hot metal bowel from the oven on her uncle's nice wooden table without a hot pad because I wasn't paying attention.
We've been dating for five months now and I had warned her of my ADHD, but she hadn't seen it really take effect until I visited her family. It hurt and concerns her so much that she says if I can't fix this, she'll have to break up with me because she doesn't think she'll be able to tolerate it. I love her dearly and really do not want to break up, but I fear it's impossible to completely fix everything even if I try. She is more of the mindset that actions speak louder than words so she can't trust me until she sees results. This hurts me a lot because I feel it's not my fault. She acknowledges that it's not my fault but it still bothers her and she cannot tolerate it. Is there any way I can get past this issue and learn social etiquette as an adult?
She gets to decide what she can handle
Submitted by shevrae on
I feel bad saying this, but as someone who has been married to an man with ADD for 24 years, all those "little" things really wear on a person, whether you are doing them on purpose or not. If she feels as though she can't handle it after one holiday and she can't continue with the relationship, it's probably better for you both. Because the truth is, while you can improve in these things, it will take time and effort and you may never be as good at them as she needs you to be. It's not fair to either of you to be in a relationship loaded down with the stress of unmet expectations.
A coach is probably a good first step to walking through which of these social etiquette things are most disruptive to your relationships and making a path to improving on them. Best of luck to you.
Just broke up
Submitted by engineer4god on
@Shevrae
You're absolutely right. She just broke up with me for the reason you just said. The part that makes me feel the worst is that she said the whole 6 months of our relationship I hardly ever wooed her. I made her feel like we were just buddies hanging out and that was not my intention at all. I'm having a hard time right now understanding the subtle difference. I wasn't doing enough to make her feel special. I often wonder how there are any ADHD men who even make it to the alter but it's probably most of them are hyperactive whereas I'm more hypoactive. Now I'm wracking my brain trying to think of even meeting a woman I can be with who is more patient with my not wooing her as much as a neurotypical guy would... It doesn't seem possible at all because even other ADHD women want to be wooed...
Sorry to hear that
Submitted by shevrae on
I hope you're doing OK, losing a relationship is hard.
It is true that most women want to be with someone who makes an effort to treat them as special. I think most PEOPLE want that, actually. One of the difficulties is that most of us learn how to be in relationships from movies or books, where it is all based on tingly feelings that drive you to the romantic gesture. If paying attention to your partner and doing something thoughtful for them was more of a cultivated habit (like brushing your teeth or going to work every day), then your partner feels like more than just another one of your friends and you get to practice focusing on someone else, which is good.
The Journal of Best Practices by David Finch is an excellent book of a neurodiverse man's journey to becoming a more thoughtful partner, if you wanted some ideas.
I bet you could learn some of these skills
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
You seem very clear on what went wrong in retrospect, which makes me think that yes, these are things you could learn as an adult. Maybe you will never be completely instinctive or perfect (who is?), but you could learn to jump in without being asked, express thanks outwardly, etc. Maybe a combination of etiquette courses (to improve awareness in social situations) plus ADHD coaching/therapy (to help with impulses like speaking before you think)? Behaviour takes time to change, so your girlfriend would need to understand that the "action" from you is pursuing that kind of support and then sticking at it for sustained improvement over time. She can also do things to work with you because you are different people. For instance, when something is wrong (like when she was hurt by an unkind comment from someone else and you didn't notice), she may need to tell you rather than expect you know how she's feeling.
I hope your relationship works out. If not, getting ADHD support now can still help the next one. All the best.