Someday I hope to go to the "Joy" section on here.

My DH has been on meds for about the past month? strattera. Yes, sometimes, most of the time, he is doing better. He's on 100mg a day with an antIdepressent. Seems to be going ok. 

Here's my dilemma. 

It was pretty brutal there for over a year. Every time I want to forgive, I cry. Diagnosed severe ADHD.

How do I ever trust that person won't come back? 

Lots of hurt...lots. 

Grief Happens!

LH - Were you standing in my foyer this morning? When I left my ADHD DP, I was in tears! I discovered some unresolved abandonment issues here recently. I'm incredibly fearful that when I leave my ADHD guy that he'll forget about me...  forever. :-\  It was a fantastic visit, though, and every logical person might say that there's tons of reasons for hope for the future. Hell if I'll find it, though...  been mired in too much BS for far too long (you're year sounds dreamy!). 

I've realized that my own issues are wide open right now, and I'm taking every opportunity to work THROUGH them. I'm a big believer that bottled up emotions can cause a huge problem. For too long, my body was in "fight of flight" mode. There's no crying in a crisis state! Now that the dust has settled (i.e. my DP and I are separated), I've no choice by the stare clearly at myself here. A LOT of crying as a result. 

Crying, for me, is part of grieving. I'm grieving the "dream relationship" (which, let's say it, is a BS idea ADHD or not!), how I was treated (yep, my DP has apologized), and how I treated my DP. What a bunch of crap to work through and grieve. Grieving is part of healing. There are often times that I wonder if there's a bottom to it, but in looking at how I feel after a good cry, I know that the end is closer than it was before. 

I hate to rain on your parade, but there's no guarantee about ANYTHING. Hopefully he sees the benefit in the work he's doing and he'll stay the course. ::fingers crossed::

I have a fantastic T who I feel really comfortable opening this can of worms in front of, too.  I also have a very few fantastic friends who just let me cry and babble if need be. (A couple of them are new friends that I made through Al-Anon and have only known 7 months! Talk about people who get me!!)  Family is a bit different, but I can reach out to them if need be as well. This board has been a fantastic community as well! 

Do you have a T that you can take a look at some of the reason for your tears with? I'm a huge mental-health advocate, and I'd really suggest it. Meds might be in order for you as well to help get you through this. And, having grown up in an alcoholic system and having had a horrible reaction to my DP's self-medication, I'm so happy I have Al-Anon. Have you considered that as well? 

 

Pbartender's picture

It's a rough spot.  It hurts

It's a rough spot.  It hurts hard.

My wife and I are in not so different a situation, you might have noticed.

There's no easy way... It takes time, forgiveness, hard work, understanding, and infinite amounts of patience.  Not just for him or you, but both of you.  Don't forget that he's going through a lot of the same issues and emotions as you are, perhaps for different reasons, but he's almost certainly hurting just the same.

I find myself sometimes wondering the same thing...  How can I ever trust that the person I was won't come back?

 

Pb.

Yep

Tried therapist. She is not well versed in ADHD.  

 

Tried numerous.

 

No meds here. Allergic to antidepressants.

 

This is more than just a hard year. It's been rough. He adopted my daughters March 2011.  Within the next week, holy hell broke loose and I saw the real him. 

He doesn't want to know how I feel unless it's on his terms.

He has also been diagnosed as anti social. Empathy a problem.  Self defeating tendancies, etc. That came out about 2 months ago. 

He came back from a guy trip Sunday and that night was the best night we had had in a long time. Then last night was the worst. 

THAT person I never wanted to see again?  Was right there. 

Yes, I do have my therapies; my Harley, walking, swimming, etc. 

We get close, he pulls away.  I feel like I am on a rubber band.

Thanks guys...PB...sorry I was rough before.  I just can understand a little your wife.

I miss my husband so bad it hurts. 

K

 

Pbartender's picture

No worries...

"Thanks guys...PB...sorry I was rough before.  I just can understand a little your wife."

Hey, no worries.  You and she have a lot of old hurt built up, and that's hard to get rid of.  For that matter I, and your husband too, have a lot of hurt built up as well.   That's the way this sort of thing goes.  Until everybody understands what's going on, there's a lot of unintentional anger and resentment guilt and all sorts of other nastiness floating around on both sides of the fence.  It's all part and parcel to that whole undiagnosed ADHD symptom-response-response cycle that the books all talk about.

Just the realization that you yourself are not only full of all those nasty emotions, but also that you part of the cause of those nasty emotions in both yourself and your spouse is an exceptionally difficult thing to deal with.  Learning to set aside those emotions and learning to stop feeding into them -- breaking that cycle -- is even more difficult...  Especially if your spouse hasn't yet gotten to that point.

"I miss my husband so bad it hurts."

I can grok that.  I miss my wife terribly as well.

 

Pb.