This hole that we've dug for 20 + years sure is hard to climb out of, much less see the light above, but I am a non ADHD spouse who is trying.
My husband is in a downward spiral and has been for several years after being downsized and losing a couple of jobs in a creative field, plus he is diabetic, overweight and with a food addiction. We have two teenagers, one has ADHD also.
We started back to counseling 4 months ago after my discovery that he was not job hunting on the Internet, he was involved in a few other activities that he had lied about (porn).
My anger and disappointment have engulfed me to the point where I am grateful to leave each morning to go to my crap job and psycho boss. My spiral: the crazymakers at home and work, and not enough money (I work extra jobs too; unemployment for ADHD spouse has run out).
I picked up "ADHD Effect in Marriage," reading on my commute by train, feeling like the anger and resentment stories might as well have my name on them. Felt very sad that my life had been sucked dry by his behaviors. The idea of leaving seemed attractive but I had not reached that threshold. I also started reading a book "Rewiring your brain for love," about neurosicence and meditation, and started meditating and visualizing a few minutes a day. As I moved through these books I began to see my life come into focus away from him and find a new place to see what has been bothering me.
Last week we had an instance of lying that I called him out on and it led to a very deep counseling session about shame and rationalization, setting one's self up for failure and rationalization. We are seeing a sliver of light to be able to talk about how angry and afraid we are in our marriage and even after talking about that, not be crushed by the feelings.
I am hopeful that he can be more consistent in his meds, that I can be mindul and patient and honest in my feelings, and that he can replace the shaming selftalk with a less emotional feedback loop. The book and listening to my spouse has made me more aware of the exhaustion of his mind and lifelong script of "always being a f*(&) up" even though that is so far from true.
I still believe in him and in myself. I'm calling bs on his lying and doing my best to love within boundaries.