I have read the ADHD & Marriage book many times and tried to work through it and read through posts, etc. on this forum many times and tried to make sense of it all. But sometimes I think I'm just fooling myself. Sometimes I think that there are people with ADHD who do the work and take the medication and are able to have good relationships, even if it is a struggle for them. And then there's me, and really all of us stuck on this forum. And what I mean is that, I'm not married to someone whose problem is ADHD. I am married to someone who has ADHD. But if that were the problem, he would be able to do the work and take the medication and face life and relationships well. Instead, I am married to someone who won't do the work, and who takes medication sporadically and thinks that it is a magic wand. And here I am, reading the book and struggling to understand him, and filling the gaps for all the things he can or won't do, and pretending that I am in a marriage, when really, the book just doesn't apply to my husband, not because it is wrong about ADHD, but because he is too selfish to do the work. And the evidence for why the book doesn't apply to my husband is because after all these years and after all this work, I am still in a terrible marriage with someone who won't even go to a therapist despite me begging him to.
What I'm trying to say is, maybe all of the people with ADHD who aren't selfish are able to work on their problems and make their marriages work, and therefore their spouses don't need this forum. And those of us who are here are married to selfish people who also have ADHD and we want to hold onto hope so we're pretending that ADHD is the problem and that someday we will be able to save our marriages.