Soon to be married to someone with ADHD

I just stumbled across this site today while googling something else. The ADHD part caught my eye, and I clicked the link. From the first sentence I read, all I could think was they are talking about my fiancee.

We've been together almost a year and a half. We have so many interests in common and hit it off from the first day. After a brief, whirlwind we moved in together. It was then that I found out about the ADHD. He doesn't take medications for it. He says that he felt like a zombie whenever he tried in the past. Instead, he smokes marijuana and says it helps him to relax and focus.

He is the sweetest, most loving and devoted man; outgoing and spontaneous, loving and tender. He works hard and supporting the household is important to him, but he is also irresponsible with money and will spend it all right away without realizing it until after. When he walks through the door it's like a tornado hit and becomes messy very quickly  He also has anger issues. Sometimes he'll be critical of things I do or don't do. If I can tell him calmly I don't like that, he'll usually realize what he's saying and apologize. If something bad happens, like a big argument with me or his family or the death of someone, he'll walk down to the bar and take several shots, then come home yelling. This doesn't happen often, but it is very hard to deal with.

The end of last year, I became pregnant. I didn't think it was possible for me and we were both so happy. When I developed morning sickness he didn't like seeing me feeling bad so he would visit with the neighbors. I was emotional and wanted more time with him and it became a cycle. He would leave, and I'd get upset. The more upset I became the more he would leave. Eventually at seven months we had a huge argument and I went to stay with family until after the baby was born. We were working on things and going to avoid stress during the rest of the pregnancy.

Unfortunately, two weeks later I had a complication. The baby didn't make it, and I almost died. When he got to the hospital he was frantic and upset. He was told that he couldn't see me until he calmed down because of my condition. At that point he also became angry. Someone in the family, I'm still not sure who, told him that the stress probably killed the baby, and they weren't going to let him kill me also. The complication was totally unrelated. At my request, he was allowed to visit a few times and then it was cut short saying something about my blood pressure and health.

Everything was a blur at that time and there's much I don't remember, but afterwards something had changed between us. After the funeral we were finally able to talk and I found out that he was being kept away. Our grief brought us closer together and we started spending much time together. A few weeks later I moved back home with him. It's been rough at times, but we are able to be comfort to each other. We communicate better and our relationship has been grower stronger and better.

In the few months since we have had one fight and it was the worst one yet. While drunk and angry he said something that led me to think he might have cheated during the month we were living apart. I tried questioning him later and he would become defensive and not want to talk. All that he would say is that he was miserable and depressed while we were apart and didn't do much of anything other than work, and tell me how much he loved me. I left it at that until this week. A friend of his broke up last weekend with his short term girlfriend. While cheering up the friend, said that his friend could always look at it as being free to start seeing someone else that was interested and that might be the best thing for him.

That comment just brought it all back for me. After his friend left I asked him if that was his attitude when we were apart and told him that he hinted at cheating while drunk and angry. He said that our circumstance was different, and that he loved me and that wasn't how he felt. He then admitted that he did cheat once. He said it was after our baby died and he was being kept away from me. He thought everything was over. He said that he was depressed and in such a dark state that he got messed up on drugs and alcohol and went home with someone for the night. We talked and cried after that. He said that he had broken one of his moral values and could never again tell anyone he would never cheat on them. He said he would always feel guilty about it; that he messed up and it would never happen again. That night when we went to bed he asked if I would still marry him.

I couldn't answer him right away. The next day I told him that when I married again, it would be for life (We were both married before. Him briefly when his wife left him and me for quite a while). I told him that I would expect complete fidelity. I told him that I wouldn't put up with threatening to leave or throw me out when he was drunk and angry. I expected that we would always work on communication and making the relationship better. He was so afraid I was telling him I wouldn't marry him at first. He agreed with me and said that was he wanted also.

Under the circumstances, I understand what happened while we were apart. I don't like it and I'm having a hard time dealing with it, but understand it. It might be petty, but I feel like I need him to vow that he won't cheat again. He's said it won't happen and he'll be faithful, but the comment that he couldn't promise again just sticks in my head. I know he's said the same thing in different words, but...

I'm thankful I found this site. It's given me a better insight and a few aha moments. It's kind of a long post, sorry, but I needed to vent, ask for advice.