Soooo angry!!

"Just me again...Im sooo angry.  He acts like everything is just great and we all know it is for him.  Found out last night that when we went to the halloween party and I went to start the truck with the understanding he would be right out that he wasnt helping clean up, he was partying with strippers!!!  How great Im sitting in the truck for an hour (is response was "it was only 45 min, not an hour") waiting for him and he is partying.  Nice to see how much I was wanted!!!!  I dont even matter anymore and neither do my feelings.

He is still talking to his ex and various other chicks....every freaking song he listens to during his "down time" (the hours he spends in the bedroom blasting music) are about the one he loves that is so far away or the one that he left or the one he wants but cant have.  Makes me want to gag!!!  I live in a 12x60 trailer, I cant get away from it!!!  He is going downstate for the holiday, but there has been no mention of me going.  So I will sit here by myself for 5 days...how fun.  I have no family here and no friends so its not like I can call anyone up and say hey come on over.

Yeah I know Im feeling sorry for myself, but this just totally sucks!!!  Someone give me some direction here.....

 

 

THAT Stinks!!!!

For him to be partying with strippers! Really?!? Sounds like he is trying to get you to leave? That stunt would be it for me, I can tell you... He said he is going downstate, but has he said exactly where? Has he told you he was going alone? I'm so sorry... Some of my fellow ADDer's surely give us bad reputations. I hope you can find a place to be for the holiday. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Sorry I cannot come up with some suggestions that would help you. I'm sure you can lean on us hear on the site. Hang in there...

YYZ

I am just so sad to read

I am just so sad to read this. You do not deserve this. You have to step back and look at this from a different perspective than 'fairness' and look at what he is doing and what it says about the person you call "my husband". He is completely and utterly out of control (or happy as a fat pig in slop, one of the two) and you truly need to stop letting this be your problem. I think I would preserve what little dignity I had left and ask him to just not bother coming home from 'downstate'. Him not asking you to go should speak volumes about what this man is up to. No good. Praying for some strength for you...and comfort.

An MRS doesn't = slavery

I'm coming into this conversation a little bit late, but let me see if I can recap a few things:

  • you earn, your husband doesn't (this wasn't clear to me)
  • you are faithful, your husband (probably) isn't
  • you are responsible, your husband isn't (at least not at parties with strippers)
  • he leaves you behind on holidays

What have I missed?

Why is it you (and he) feel he's entitled to treat you this way?  Is it the marriage certificate?  Can I be mad on your behalf, or are there important things I'm missing, like you're really a vampire set on sucking the lifeblood out of him and rebellion is the only way he can survive?

Now that I've gotten that off my chest, why did you wait in the truck for an HOUR?  Why didn't you go in and drag his sorry butt out?  Or else leave him behind to find a different ride home?  Be careful you're not enabling his bad behavior...(see Melodie Beatty's good book on co-dependence, "Codependent No More" for more info on this and help if you need it - it would make excellent reading while he's gone for the holidays.)

In the meantime, express your needs...and advocate for them.  Don't be a victim just because he wants to make you one!

Agree

I agree and had I done the same would have walked out to an empty parking lot.  When I found my way home I'd have been greated by an empty place.  Unfortunately based on what you are stating it reflects a total lack of respect for you.  ADHD doesn't excuse this behavior at all, any time or place.

It's time

I think we have to be careful not to confuse ADHD with other things.  I know it can be a base cause, but the way he is behaving is not so much as a person you can help through a condition.  God knows it is hard enough to be an ADHD spouse when your spouse is working at it, and even worse when they won't face it,... But this behavior is destructive to you.  You have only one option at this stage...

Leave.

 

Later, when you feel better, you can think about the future.  If to still walk with him or not.  But unless you leave a) you will sink and take a huge confidence hit  b) He won't know what he is missing.

 

Leave the vortex.  A friend, family... even on your own.  Take time to think and take stock of what life you want to live.  Then, with a clear mind and heart, decide.

A few answers for Melissa

Melissa, 

you earn, your husband doesn't (this wasn't clear to me).....I work full time, he is a full time student with an unpaid internship

you are faithful, your husband (probably) isn't.....he has cheated on me twice that I know of and is now having a emotional affair with his ex


you are responsible, your husband isn't (at least not at parties with strippers)....he can be responsible, but very sporadically 

he leaves you behind on holidays.....he has since started talking about me going, but I know he will leave me sitting at his moms.

I waited in the truck because honestly I was exhausted (it was 3am and we had been there since 6pm) and fell asleep, not to mention I had no other ride and we were an hour from home.

 

He claims to have changed but he is still pulling the same crap....see my other posts to get an idea.  I know its not an ideal situation and I should leave, but I just cant do it...something keeps dragging me back. Maybe its because I want soooo bad for this to work out and for us to be happy.  No Im not a vampire, honestly I am probably the least controling person I know, I have always had his back 100%.  I have yet to figure out anything he would need to rebel against.  I read the co-dependency book, but I need to read it again, I think I missed alot the first time around.  I just feel so lost, I used to be such a strong person and now I feel like I cling on for dear life most of the time. 


 

 

 

Looks to me it is time for

Looks to me it is time for counseling for you.  You are still a strong person.  You seem to be exhausted and have forgotten to take care of yourself.  To ever even fix that, you might want to focus on you for a while.  Think of leaving as a vacation that might also refocus him. If you don't do anything you'll stay feeling as you do.  To change things there must be an agent of change,...something has to happen.  Counseling, leaving, him leaving for his ex, etc... think about the options and decide which will you be able to live with. 

Thanks Anbe

I know something has to change....  I don't feel like a strong person, I feel like I have been put threw a wringer and hung up to dry.  Counseling is out of the question, I have no insurance and the least expensive counselor around here is 160.00 an hour!!!!  That is over half of one paycheck!!  I know that if I leave him, he will take that as "she doesn't want me" or "finally I'm rid of her" and it wont remedy anything in a positive manner.  He will not use it to refocus, he will simply move on like he always has.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place....I love him with everything I have, I have always had his back 100%, never cheated on him, never lied to him, never used or stole from him.....and for that I get nothing.  I might as well have been a lying, backstabbing, money hungry whore!  I'm past angry, past crying....just empty.  I swore after my first marriage I would never be in another relationship or get married again, but I caved in and did it.  Now I am sooooooo sorry I ever let myself be that vulnerable a second time.  It will NEVER happen again!!

Sweetie...read your own note

Sweetie...read your own note slowly and imagine it was written by your sister, your friend.  "Finally I am rid of her"?  Why in god's name would you stay?  Make it your choice, not his.  You will love again, and you will love better and a better person after you remember to love yourself again.  Reading your notes is heart-breaking itself.  Is like watching a woman drown and telling you she can't grab the rope bc then she won't be in the water.  /Hugs whatever you decide.  I can't imagine how you hurt.  My ADHD spouse is seeking treatment, and though I feel over burdened and tired and sad, and need to find ways to prevent a parent/child relationship, at least he recognizes the role of ADHD and is letting me in.  It is awful hard but I can manage a ay at the time.  In your case, I just can't imagine.  All I know is that you have one life as far as we all know.  Each day in that quagmire is one less day to reach your potential. I think that might be common to spouses of ADHD sufferers.... Hard to focus on us to keep our growth along.  Dear, you were not made for this, you were not made to be treated thus, you were not made for that agony, and you were not made to give up on yourself.  I wish I could say more, do more.  My heart goes out to you.  But like all adicts... to smokes, to alcohol, to a lover, even to mistreatment. .... Only you can decide when you've had enough.

The good used to outweigh the bad

I have stayed, forgiven, and fought for my marriage because in the past the good stuff always outweighed the bad.  Now it doesn't and I don't know what to do....how do you start over AGAIN!  I have done it twice....once when my mother kicked me out when I had my oldest son (he was a week old) and once when I left my abusive ex husband.  I don't think I will ever love or trust anyone again like this....its tooooo painful and to much.  In my heart I know that after this weekend it will be over, he is going downstate (I still don't know if I am going or not) and she lives down there.  I am assuming he will be spending all his time with her when he should be spending it with his daughter and his family.  I hate to give up, but what other choice do I have????

It is not about giving up...

It is not about giving up... but refocusing.... You are worth fighting for.  Chin up, deep breath, make sure you are eating and sleeping properly, and just move one step at the time.  You do not need to save the world right now or carry it,....just breathe and gather your strength.  It is there.  I hear you have kids.  Decide what lesson you wish them to learn from this.  Hard times come to us all.  It is what you do in them that counts, no?

You're not giving up, you're

You're not giving up, you're just finally giving in. Let him go. What are you letting go? Misery? Agony? Being treated horribly?

I wish so very badly that you could find some way to get some free services somewhere, your posts WREAK of codependency and the fear of abandonment. I have put up with a LOT of sh!t in my 14 years and so many people would have left long ago, I didn't because I am codependent. However, living second fiddle to anyone, and I mean ANYONE was never an option for me. Not even for two seconds. You have seen the things he is saying about you behind your back...I cannot stop thinking of all of those things. It, to me, defines who he is. Entirely. He is only capable of "love" when it feels good. When it stops feeling good, he moves on to find someone else to 'feel good' with. He's gone. Whether he's sitting right beside of you or in another state, emotionally he has checked out of this marriage.

You're terrified of being alone, best I can gather from everything you say. I understand that fear, but that fear is crippling you and everyone knows, easier said than done, but it will not be the end of the world if he leaves. Life could only possibly get better for you if he were gone. Do you not value peace of mind and dignity more than you value having a breathing clod beside of you treating you this way?

You start over again just like you did in the past...by putting one foot in front of the other. I am so so very sorry for what you are going through. I truly am. I am praying hard for you, as always. I keep praying I'll see the day when you kicked him to the curb and found your strength...and learned to love yourself.

Needsalifeline...it will be

Needsalifeline...it will be okay. WE WILL be okay. My DH left the house after I told him to leave- had to because his violent outbursts crossed the line yet again. He is so angry I have no idea what the repercussions will be. And yet, next to the paralyzing fear, sadness, upset... I feel...relief. We are wounded animals right now. Having someone you love (still!) and opened yourself up to with the expectation that they would never seek to actively hurt and demean you was a reasonable expectation that neither of our husbands lived up to. Self esteem feels zero, and the self doubt of how I will ever make it? I may be smart but I know ZERO about keeping a house together by myself (yes, he DID those things). Well my ability to think is pretty crappy right now. And no one is around right now because they are spending the holiday with their families. But thats what we must do too. I am making the turkey and all the fixings w the kids even though I dont want to eat. I am sitting down to try to figure out my finances (#1 priority). I am calling the lawyer tomorrow. :( and needsalifeline- i want you to call the 1800 domestic abuse hotline like I did. They will put you in touch w someone near you you can talk to or you can just talk to the person who answers. And besides that, go to your friends, family. Try to fight the feelings of embarassment and shame that I know you must be feeling- that WE are feeling. Life will get better- I promise US. No matter what happens, no one deserves to be hurt and verbally, emotionally (and for me, physically) abused- whether your partner has any valid reasons to feel their own turmoil. I pray that my dh gets it- but it is highly doubtful that he will ever get it when it comes to me. And yes, I am still struggling w that. You see, it was not bad these 28 years...confusing, frustrating yes. But it did turn to Hell the last two. Without trying hard to focus on my chances of being alone or not forever in the future (a depressing thought)... I have to get back to feeling safe (in all ways), and away from feeling a horrible, ugly, stupid loser whom no one would ever want to be with. All the while Dh comes around Im sure to see the kids, having apparently "moved on" with no problem (?). I am crying bucketfuls, I cant help it but I am making a special effort on this day to find the many things I need to be thankful for. #1 thing of course (for me) being my kids.... Hugs and prayers to all of you guys.

I am scared....

Sherry and lulu,

I am scared of being alone....Im 38 years old with two kids and enough baggage for 6 people....no man is going to want that.  Really if this doesn't work out I don't see myself ever being in another relationship...EVER!  We are headed down to his mom's in an hour or so (yes I am going, his mom called and asked me to...I love her, shes an amazing woman), but I know he has plans to spend tomorrow with the ex.  He told me she is moving to the town we are in, because he needs to "help her out of a bad situation".  I know its over, I'm not completely stupid, I just don't want it to be.  What gets me is that I was so careful to be sure about things.

Lulu, I have no friends here.  I always have worked so much that I haven't have time to make them.  As far as family, I have my DH's mom and sister (shes 1000 miles away), but no family of my own to turn to.  Really I cant put them in the middle to choose between me and my DH.   My family and I had a falling out before I even met my DH and our relationship is non existent at best. 

As far as finances, my home and such....I have it under control.  Everything is in my name and I am the only one working, so there is nothing to figure out.  I have that under control.

I'll be your Mom here

Oh. Sweetie.  Big Hug. 

Now sit down and listen.  Put aside your crappy coping mechanisms.  You may have heard me describe my guy's crappy coping mechanisms as the Three Stooges:  Distort, deny, deflect.  I'm afraid to tell you have your own.  (Me too:  martyrdom, mostly) Haven't named them yet, but once they have been identified, perhaps you will name them, and make a collage about them, and laugh in their faces some day.

First let's get clear.  We are no longer talking about ADHD in your spouse.  We're talking about a failed relationship due to whatever. At this point you're not ready to give it up.  That's okay.  What follows is for you, not your marriage, however it goes in the future.  And all this is offered like a firm, loving mom would try to do.  So picture me, mid 50's, cute as hell, despite being pudgy, sitting at your table, believing you are so fabulous, but caught in a sticky web.  I reach out my hand, and you grab it, and, with your other hand, let go of that sticky web.  That part is key.  So, this is offered with love. 

Next:  You're 38 years old with two kids and enough baggage for 6 people... no man is going to want that.  So you are saying you want to keep this guy because you'll never get another?  I know you love him.  Good.  Love is good.  Love him from afar, where it is safer.  You can love him forever, so long as you can love without clinging. I still love people I haven't seen in 30 years.  And you can't predict the future, --you are having enough trouble seeing the present.  Who are you -- God?  You know such things at the wise old age of 38?  Sell some of those suitcases on EBay.  Put one or two in the attic in case you need them later.  But at the very least, stop carrying them every where you go.  Put . Them.  Down. 

Next:  I have no friends here.  I have always worked so much that I haven't had time to make them.  Make time.  Say yes to the next person who asks you to do something with them or for them.  Look around and find that woman who you thought was funny, or interesting or stylish.   Make conversation and invite them out for coffee.  Broke?  It doesn't have to be Starbucks -- a gas station capuccino isn't really bad when you're desperate.  Look for someone else who appears to need a friend, but doesn't have one.  That you have no friends has nothing to do with time.  Ouch.  Sorry.

Next:  I am scared of being alone.  You are already alone.  And you're still breathing.  I repeat, you are already "alone" as regards your marriage.  If you believe in God, remember that he is holding you in the palm of his hand.  If you believe in the Universe, remember that you contain within you a unique individual bit of universal "sparkle" that can never go out, no matter how bad things get, and you will carry that sparkle within you until the end of your time, when you and your sparkle will return to the universe.  And between now and then, NOTHING can happen to you that will put that sparkle out.  NOTHING. 

Next:  you have finances under control.  YAY!  Good for you!  You are awesome! 

Next:  you have children (so actually you're not alone!)  You will be the woman they look back on and say, "that woman just kept on, kept true to herself and made her own life and a good life for us, despite all that crap.  I want to be like my Mom."  Now since it appears you and your Mom don't have a good relationship or any at all, you need to look around and see who you could use as a role model.  You don't even need to know this person, or get them to adopt you. :)  Maybe it's your mother-in-law?  You can keep her forever, you know, whatever happens.  You don't need to put her in the "middle" to keep her as a friend and role model.  But because she is his mom, she might not be able to be yours.  But she can be a wise older friend.  You just identify what they might be doing that you'd like to try.  I was your age when my mother died.  She loved me unconditionally, thought I was great, but could point out when I was bullshitting myself.  I still miss her every day, but I can "channel" her when I need to, and almost hear her voice in my ear, guiding me, when I stop and ask and listen.  That mom voice can live in your head and guide you, too.  When you're crying and down and empty and don't know what to "do" ask yourself, if my child were in this state, how would I help them, what would I say?  Then listen, and don't argue.  Watch out for the tendency to find "reasons" you can't do what would actually be helpful.  That would be one of your crappy coping mechanisms.

Next:  call United Way in your area, and ask if they have any suggestions for counseling for someone without insurance or money.  If you are a religious person, try a church.  But be sure it feels like the right person... most pastors are not trained counselors and many are not naturally good at it.  Keep persisting -- have you really looked under every rock?

Next:  meditate at least 15 minutes a day.  If you don't know how, let me know.  (You do know how, but may not know that you know.)

Next:  Spend your time doing not thinking.  This is easy.  Do what you are doing while you are doing it.  If you are preparing dinner, do it with all your attention.  If you are bathing your kids, do it with all your attention.  If you are driving to work, do it with all your attention.  Enough, already.  Thinking is making you miserable.  You are whirling in a vortex of pain and fear.  You are like the Lutheran ministers who fell off the pontoon boat in a Garrison Keillor story.  They were thrashing and panicking and getting tangled in the weeds, clinging and pulling at each other, terrified they would drown.  They were so terrified they couldn't hear the pontoon boat driver yelling at them.  He was yelling "Stand up!  Stand up!"  They had fallen into four feet of water.

Dear Needs... Stand up!  Love.

 

 

What a compassionate

What a compassionate response! And needs: I am your friend too. You are not alone. And whatever you (and I decide) is okay- when you are ready or not. That is why it is YOUR life. There are no wrong decisions and you must do what you feel is right. And btw i am much older than you! 38 is not old...the bigger issue is to work out how you feel about yourself, and how you will let yourself find the kindness you deserve- w whoever you wish to be with. Codependents Anonymous online or local is another option. I am so impressed w u to have been smart enough to take care of yourself financially! Plus your very "goodness" resounds in your post. Listen to the advice given here (i am too- for sure I still have no idea wth Im doing, yet I am finsing the strength not recriminate ME byt love and nurture my own feelings.

Family

Gardener.. I was also very touched by your response.  Dear... I grew up in an orphanage and spent my life alone.  I can tell you that you do have family, just go ahead and adopt us all.  It is what I do.  Your kids deserve a mom who can advocate for herself and or her kids.  And I have a feeling that his family is familiar enough with ADHD and how he manifests it. Maybe you need to talk to your mother in law.  She is, after all, the kids grandma... and will be in your life always.  She might have suggestions you wont be able to think about in this painful state.  Even if you never found a man, and that is almost certainly not the case, you can stand on your own and be the best you and best mom in the world.  My grandma used to say "it is always better being alone than in bad company."  Whatever you decide, know we are here, real people behind screens, whose hearts ache for you, whose prayers raise up for you, and who are the most willing cheering team you can imagine.  Hugs and gentle days for you dear.

Thanksgiving sucked!

Well we are back home.  Thanksgiving sucked...we fought the whole time, but the nasty whore did NOT come back with us!!!  He is here until the semester is over and then he is finding his own place, whether it is downstate or here.  We only have one car, so we both need it to get to work and school.  After that, im not sure what is going to happen....

Thank you everyone for being there for me, I appreciate it!

Sorry your Thanksgiving sucked...

I guess it is better that you know what his intentions are now now and there is a buffer period to begin working out the details. The "Not Knowing" has to be the worst part...

I hope things get better for you soon.

Thanks!

Thank you YYZ, I hope so too.  Living with someone you love to death and knowing that you aren't the one he wants is the hardest thing I have ever done!  

I'm so sorry...

Your spouse's actions sound so out of orbit. I'm sure it is similar to many other downward spirals. Don't get sucked into it's gravity because you are too good of a person and don't deserve the way you are bring treated. 

I wish more guys in my group could get a handle on this thing and stop causing so much misery.

Take care of yourself and lean on us here any time.

Thank you

Gardener..thank you!  Too bad you couldn't come over for coffee....

I don't know what to think...I guess I just don't know how to "let go".  I thought I did everything right with this one (my first marriage was a abusive train wreck), this time I waited almost 3 years to get married, he liked my kids and I liked his, we had similar goals, wants...etc.  He was the guy I could see growing old with and sitting on the porch in rocking chairs when we were 80 and somewhere that just left and now I don't know who he is.  I have one son who's in college and one who is 16, the oldest doesn't speak to me or really even act like I'm alive.  He is in la la land.....believes everything his dad and his dads family tells him, someday I hope he will remember who was always there, but for now its a lost cause.  My youngest is going through the whole hormone, teenage thing so he has his own issues (but I do have full custody).  It really seems sometimes that everything I touch turns to crap!

  You know such things at the wise old age of 38?  That makes me giggle cause  most days I feel like I am about 110!  This past weekend was horrible..I did go downstate but everything was a fight.  He tried to bring the chick he has been talking to back with him to "help her" and I vetoed it.  So now hes pouting and pretending to be sick cause he didnt get his own way by being a bully.  I have been trying to find a counselor but unless I have a breakdown the free ones wont see me and the others I have found are sooooo expensive.  I tried talking to the pastor of the church we have been going to, but he was like "welllllll just pray about it"...yeah like I hadn't already done that!!!!  He was of the opinion that this mess was because we were doing something wrong and this was our "test".  Yeah not going back there...I refuse to believe that God would be like well I'm not happy with you so here Im going to make your life miserable till you shape up.

Well just a thank you and an update....gotta get back to work.

HUGS!!

 

 

Hey, lady...I have been

Hey, lady...I have been thinking about you and hoping you were doing OK. (as well as to be expected, I suppose?)

First, I wanted to say...you could have taken every piece of advice by all experts but short of getting a full mental health evaluation for both of you, there is no way you could have predicted his ADHD would do so much damage to your marriage. You didn't really do anything wrong, you just aren't equipped or capable of helping someone who isn't willing to admit they have a problem and help himself, too. 

I have often said I did not recognize the person I am now married to, but never really took the time to stop and think about the ramification of that and how it REALLY affected how I chose to proceed from here. I think we have similar situations in that you think you have them pegged and then they pull the rug completely out from under you and you're left standing there in a daze asking 'who is this person?' The sad reality is that we have to decide if we are able to spend the rest of our lives with THIS person (today's version) and be happy. Bottom line, we need to stop letting others make our decisions for us, take off our rose colored glasses, and look at some cold hard facts...and it hurts. 

I really think your comment about everything you touch turning to crap is very telling. You're feeling 100% responsible, like somehow you could have behaved differently and this would have never happened. Stop. It isn't true. Our reactions do not help, but no one asks for this and no one deserves this. YOU COULD NOT HAVE PREVENTED IT. You are not responsible. You know that this same pattern will repeat itself for the rest of their lives if they go onto other relationships. Someone else will be saying "I thought he was Prince Charming and then he changed" 

I am SOOOO glad you vetoed the idea of him bringing this chick back with him! Is he THAT delusional??? Let him pout. Pack his shit and buy him a Greyhound ticket back to her house. 

As for your pastor and his take on the situation...this is my honest opinion. I do think, as a Christian, that the best thing we can do is pray about our marriages. God does not want our marriages to fail. He is not punishing us for some wrong we have done by making us miserable. He does put trials and hardship in our lives to draw us nearer to him, but I do not think he personally attacks marriages because that is the work of the devil. I think if you are married and a believer then your marriage can (and does) come under spiritual warfare at one time or another. God provides us with the weapons (see Ephesians) to fight the spiritual warfare the devil is waging but you're in the same situation as me, I am the only one fighting. I am (to my knowledge) the only one praying. The devil preys on the weakest (spiritually) party in the marriage and does his best to get inside of this person's head and convince them that life outside of the marriage is better than the _____ (insert nag, controlling b!tch, crazy person) they are currently with. Your husband is falling prey to that with his interactions with other women. He doesn't feel good enough about himself on his own so he seeks outside attention to feed his non-existent ego. You're no longer able to fill that void in his life because you're onto him and his 'game'. My husband is falling prey to it by dropping out of church, drinking, and God only knows what else that I am not aware of. The key...the MAIN THING that I continually lose focus on is that we are supposed to have Faith, unfaltering Faith that God will restore our marriages. I do believe that as soon as we have Faith (God knows our hearts) that He will heal our marriages, then He will. I think this might take months and months of unrelenting prayer. I think this might take months and months of intense and extremely painful warfare. I am not there...yet. He is working on me, through sermons I hear at church (the Holy Spirit moves me to tears each and every Sunday...God is with me and is speaking to me through my preacher), friends, this website, family, and just in so many other ways. He is longing for me to have that Faith. I do well for a while and then I just lose all hope. This issue is separate and different from my detachment from my husband and his ADHD. I have successfully detached, but I have not been able to take the next leap of Faith and just trust that God has this. I want to end with this...I am 100% certain that when my prayers are answered it may not be what I have been praying for (for my husband to find his way back to God and for my marriage to be one we are both happy in) but I do believe that no matter what, I will find happiness again someday. I am very anxious to either be happy in my marriage or move on with my life and find happiness elsewhere. That is a big struggle for me...being patient and accepting that all things come in God's time. 

God loves us...you and I...very, very much. He suffers when we suffer. He wants to comfort us...and he will...if we let him. (((HUGS))) 

For Sherri.....

Yes Sherri he is that delusional!!!!!  He told me today that she will be here in 3 weeks and if I trust him I will help her get her life together.  I almost choked on that statement!!!!!  Not happening, EVER!!!! I'm not dumb enough to support him and her till he can move on......

I'm trying very hard to let my faith guide me, but I'm failing miserably.  My DH was supposed to get baptized this week, but when he talked to the Elders they decided he wasn't ready yet (they felt he wasnt ready to make that serious a commitment and needed a few more prebaptismal classes), so now he says hes done.  His take on it is that they told him he wasn't good enough (they NEVER said that) and its all BS.  His new view is that there is no God and no Devil and no one can tempt him but himself and he will do what he wants when he wants.  I cry just thinking about how far he came only to completely do a 180.  I have many people praying for him, but it just doesn't seem to be working.  I pray every morning and every night that he will find his way back, that he will make the choice to become the man he could be and that the Devil will leave my house and my marriage.  I know that sounds like denial on my part, but I know the man he could be if he would only try.

I do the best that I can every day.....but really it just doesn't seem like its good enough.  I wasn't kidding when I said everything I touch turns to crap, it really does!!!!  I guess I have just gotten used to it.

~~HUGS~~

 

When will it be enough?

You are making a choice dear. Don't fool yourself.  Just as he is.  I really think you need to stop looking at him and having people pray for him and focus on the self.  Things you touch do not turn to crap..not if you hold to the faith you feel.  We all live trials.  All of us.  But, hon, you are choosing to stay in it.  You are a beliver...so i will say to you... if god takes care of the small birds in the field... why do you not believe he will take care of you.  You are so focused on this man, his faith or lack of it... you are becoming his judge and work your heart out to change him.  You know better.  Not even sharing the car is a good reason to stay.  If his, your church will help you.  If the car is yours then he needs to figure an alternative.  His problem.  Dear, I am afraid that by talking this in circles with you we are enabling your need for martyrdom.  Stop.  Your life does not turn into crap by magic.  You must choose and hold on the faith you want to impose in him.  He should not be a concern now... let god deal with that.  I think the worst thing we can do for you is enable this nightmare... sometimes to people that  hurt attention, even bad one, is better than none.  You suffer from co-depedency.  You know that to be true.  Time to start working on you.  You do not do the best you can sweetie... not yet. You are still stuck in a dependency pattern.  The best you can starts with separation from this bad influence and holding your chin up again.  Converting him, nagging him, struggling and crying is not the best you can.  That is martyrdom and god is not asking you for that.  Raise up and be the glorious child he created.  Chin up, shoulders back, and move away from this vortex of sorrow.  I look forward to walking that with you, ..until then, I will rather be quiet hence forth, bc I believe we are enabling your own addiction to sorrow. You are not a victim dear...you enable him. This stops when you choose for it to stop.  Faith is not about fear of no man ever loving you,..faith is about knowing that you will be provided for.  Help god help you.   Hugs and blessings to you.

Not to get stuck on the

Not to get stuck on the Biblical aspect of this all, but he is giving you Biblical reasons to let him go. Not only is he breaking your vows with his lustful relationships with so many other women but he is now wanting to move one in?? Please, I pray God gives you the courage and strength to stand your ground on this...but I worry you'll somehow rationalize it for him in the end. Also, if he's claiming to be a non-believer, then God does not want you to have to live your life with a non-believer. My DH got baptized on Easter Sunday of this year and hasn't been back to church since. Baptism is a public profession and act of giving your life to God and washing away your sins in front of the entire world. Your DH is looking for excuses. As much as I believe that God wants my marriage to work, I do believe that if the day comes that it is time for me to walk away He will let me know and I will know I did all I could. I 'hold on for one more day' at this point because I do still love my DH, he is being kind and we aren't fighting, and I see signs that he is trying. If I found a conversation he'd had with another woman like you have found...game over. I do not believe God wants us to stay in marriages where our husbands don't take our vows seriously...and further more, spit in the face of them by looking to other women for attention. 

It does not matter what he "could be", what matters is what he IS choosing to be...today. 

I will let you in on a little secret...I identify with you a lot, so I feel comfortable sharing...I hope I do not offend you. Everything I say, I say with the intention of helping you see that this doesn't have to go on for another second. I would argue that you are not doing the best you can everyday because you know all of the things he is doing behind your back, but still you choose to keep quiet about it and let it continue and hope for change. That is doing NOTHING...everyday. Second, your life is a series of choices just like everyone else's...mine included. The longer you continue to feel that you're somehow 'doomed' by the magical 'touch of crap' then you will continue to live a life where everything is always a struggle and relationships are unhealthy and draining. You make crap decisions. That is the bottom line. I know because my life for the past 24 years has been a series of very seriously crappy decisions that have unfolded a life of hardships, heart ache, marriages riddled with infidelities, financial problems, health problems, and so much stress and anxiety that I know I have probably shaved 10-15 years off of my life with my crappy decisions alone. Even if your DH was prince charming who did everything you ever dreamed and then changed immediately as soon as you said "I Do" you still made the decision to stay all of these years. However, I think if you're honest with yourself (which is very hard to do, I know) then you would admit there were red flags going up all over the place, but we (you and I) chose to ignore them because we were addicted to the attention we got from our DHs. You felt like a million bucks when the attention was lavished on you. You feel like nothing when it isn't. That's the problem.

I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you. I know I am codependent and I know how far I have come working on myself in that aspect...but you are accepting things and avoiding facing some very tough issues for the sake of keeping a warm body there. As I said before, he's gone...emotionally he has checked out. Your life can continue to be 'crap' or you can make some of the toughest decisions you've ever had to make, but decisions that will turn the 'crap' into something better. I can sit and list MANY times in the last 20+ years that I've made decisions that I knew in my heart weren't what was best for ME, and they resulted in my life being 'crap' for extended periods of time. I think you need to change your perspective...yes, life feels like crap right now, but you have the power to change that by making decisions from here on out that are best for YOU. What he thinks, feels, believes....completely irrelevant. He's being a cheating jerk...asking things that go above and beyond ADHD...and you have to choose to live with it..or not.

Praying for you!! (((HUGS)))

Sherri

 

Saw this on FB and thought of

Saw this on FB and thought of you...and me...

On this day, God wants you to know

... that the life you are having is the life you are creating. Even when this seems paradoxical on the surface, - how could you ever possibly want anything but happiness, - on a deeper level, there is something in you that is making it so. To transform your life you first must understand what is keeping it the way it is.

((HUGS))

Sherri

You know, I wish I could sit

You know, I wish I could sit in that same kitchen with you ladies: gardener, needsa, sherri.. Ellamenno too (sorry fellas)... I miss my mom terribly, dont have any big family support systems, and am constantly filled with self doubt and recriminations (and a voice, at my lowest moments that tell me I suck). I know when I feel stronger that this is not true, or that I should and can trust myself. But this whole experience has put through the wringer. Someone I love and trusted keeps saying how bad a person I am, or how I do these awful things to him. Will we ever be "normal"? To move past the trauma drama and genuinely be happy and at peace?! To then find solace in our loved ones instead of torment?!! Its a tiring thought but I guess, I know that thinking positively and advancing at my own speed is the only thing to do. Beattie says to move on we must care and nurture ourselves- on an hourly basis if need be if we are in pain. Really struggling to do that for which I can do with others that I can not seem to do for myself! Taking care of me?!

Thank you for sitting back

Thank you for sitting back and slowing down...much better space for you to start.  But careful with your words.  "Our".... "our love"... at this point you know that to be an illusion you (and sadly only you) hold on to to give you a reason to do nothing.  No one can know tomorrow.  You have only now.... and now you need to make a list of things to do to make you safe (Emotionally etc....).  First thing ... list friends, church people that can lend you a place to sleep till you find our own place.  Cut the aprons.  He will become stronger too if he has to support himself.  No freebes, no favors.  I have a feeling one day you have a huge apology coming your way.. but for now.  Do.

MagicSandwich's picture

Feeling normal

Hey there Lululove,

Will you ever feel normal if someone you love and trust keeps saying how bad a person you are, or how you do awful things to him? No, you will never feel normal in this context. Even with super deluxe positivity controls and self-nurturing on an hourly basis the answer is still "no."  If this verbal abuse continues, your only choice is to remove yourself from it.  There is no other way. 

Trust me, 

-magic-

Thanks to all who replied.

Thanks to all who replied. Yes, even when he can still be that fun loving, kind and laid back guy to everyone else, it hurts to know he is "compelled" to be a violent meanie to me, the "controlling b%tch" that made "our marriage never good". A perception I still have to wonder at. In any case, HE is out, not me or the children. And where things will lead only God can say. I am playing it slow because thats where Im at. Its really lonely, I am feeling really down on myself... But I DO have a friends supporting me. I know ultimately though, its up to me to dig myself out of this hole. No one else. And no, magic, as long as he continues emotionally, verbally, and most definitely physically abusing- there is no place for him here. God give me strength!

God WILL give you the

God WILL give you the strength...ask for it, hourly if you have to. I've been on my knees 'begging' more than once over the course of the last year or so...it has gotten SOOO much better.

His perception is NUTS and WRONG and at the very least skewed so far in his court that it should not even be something you think about. STOP. Just STOP. Forget his words, forget what he says about you, put that all out of the forefront of your thoughts right now and focus on positive thoughts. Listen, I told you, I've been there...for all of the 'wrong' I did, all of the controlling I did, all of the nagging and bitching I did...all of the ugly things I said, I am sorry but I KNOW it was not who I was and it was NOT the reason our marriage went into the ditch...not 100% anyway. I reacted the only way I knew to react to something that was destroying me emotionally. You did too. Let it go. Don't focus on what he needs to change or 'if only', just focus on YOU and picture the person you want to become and DO IT. Initially you might have to focus on mere survival...but once you realize "hey, I didn't curl up and die when he left and this really isn't the end of the world" then you'll really start to long for the feeling of joy...more than ever before in your life. When JOY is a real possibility, it is beyond exciting to imagine the possibility of feeling it. It is in your future...I feel it. 

You're lonely, but that's nothing new. You can make it through that. You have survived years of being put down and abused...put into perspective what you have ahead of you...it has to look better on so many levels. Ask yourself why you are feeling down on yourself and try to realize how NUTS it is to feel down on yourself...because I suspect it has to do with your husband's perspective and deflection and I know you're smarter than that...to believe what he says and to own it. 

I am glad you're reaching out to friends...PLEASE continue to do that...it is one of the hardest things to do, but it truly does help. I shut so many people out for so long that letting them back in was hard, but helped more than anything else. ((((HUGS)))))