SOS - I just realised my H has adhd, and so do I

We've been together for 23 years. For 18 years, I've had severe ME and am housebound, a wheelchair user, prone to exhaustion, limited in what I can do.

We lived with my parents for 13 years until we could afford to move out. I was always so grateful he stuck with me when I became ill. We waited a long time to get a home of our own.

Over the last ten years together, we had arguments over his lack of help around the house. I have been left to do everything except mow the lawn and service the car. The house is a mess because no matter how i try to organise things, he won't do the tiniest things to prevent mess and chaos. We don't have visitors because of the mess.

Five years ago, his father died, and my H went to pieces. He stopped taking me out once a week, and started blaming me for why we didn't see his family. He stopped listening to me and wouldn't talk. He stopped wanting intimacy, and if I tried to ask him about the way things were going, he would shut down or say I didn't understand because I hadn't lost a father.

Alone sums up the last 5 years for me.

When I try and tell him how bad things are for me, he tells me how bad things are for him.

A year ago, I stopped loving him because his behaviour seemed so cruel. I couldn't leave - where would I go? I stopped asking him anything, tried not to get angry and left him to his work. I focussed on getting myself better rather than being angry with him. We've been living seperate lives in the same house.

Last week,  I asked him why I was here if he didn't even speak to me anymore. He took it seriously - he was upset. He thought we were getting on well (sigh). But he told me he had no time for me because of his work, and looking out for his mum (who he takes out every week and sees every weekend). He is utterly adamant that there is nothing he can do to change things, that he is overwhelmed as it is,

I came across adhd sites, and found word for word the arguments we were having.

I know I have half the adhd symptoms - reacting emotionally, being impulsive (used to be, anyway!), not maintaining friendships. But I can plan and organise - I have to to manage my illness. To go out, I need to know days in advance because I can't even take a shower without taking in account what else needs to be done that day (or my energy will crash and I will become ill).

My husband cannot remember to put anything back in its place. He can't remember what he goes out for, and disappears for hours at a time, He doesn't understand that there's anything wrong in what he does, and never plans a trip for us (hence, we never going out). He doesn't tell me he won't be home for dinner, or that he's going away for a week until the day before. He doesn't know any or my likes or dislikes, and only does xmas shopping on xmas eve. He can't stick to a budget or remember a birthday. He has never remembered our anniversary.

I realise that I have organised everything we've ever done - apart from the weekend in winter in an unheated house with no power - that was his idea of a holiday.

I've told him about adhd and he accepts it makes sense of his life. I can't say how my adhd affects things - I have no one to ask apart from him, but I now know that he sees a very different reality to the one I see. His judgement is not to be trusted.

Sorry about the long post. I don't even know what I'm asking. But it seems impossible? I can only do things if I plan ahead. He can only do things by not planning. There is no middle ground, and I've been unhappy with him for a decade. He wants us to be together, but doesn't get that I can't sit on my own in this house anymore waiting for him.

Any views, comments, advice...