A specific issue I need help with

I left my ADD husband in August. He has refused to answer emails or pick up phone calls since. Does anyone have an answer for this specific problem?

I recently got certified as a paralegal. When I registered for the test, I was still living with him so the Bar Association sent the certificate to the house I shared with him. He called me 2 weeks ago to say my certificate had come. (Of course, I have mail forwarding. I have no idea why the post office screwed that up.) I asked him to send it to me and he said he would. He hasn't. I've asked the Bar Association to send me another. They can't. I live 90 miles away and have physical problems that make driving hard. But he won't answer emails or phone calls begging for my certificate and he won't send it. I didn't think deliberate meanness was usually part of ADD! Does anyone have any idea how to get him to do this ONE THING for me, when I supported him for half the time we were married.


Any friends, old neighbors, or relatives who would go to his house and ask for it if you promised to send them a postage-paid envelope to mail it to you?


As lynnie has suggested, is

As lynnie has suggested, is there anyone closer to him that may be able to assist? Perhaps even one of his relatives that you can contact?

Short of that, have you considered just sending a courier over to collect it? It may cost you if he's not home, but something to consider if you really need that certificate.

Congratulations on the qualification by the way! It's nice when the hard work finally pays off.

I tried that too

I emailed my sister-in-law (married to my husband's brother) who works less than a mile from our old house. Apparently, she doesn't think I deserve my certificate either because she never answered me. I think his family thinks I'm a terrible person because I abandoned my responsibility to do everything for him so he can watch TV all day. I have no idea what the answer is.


Sueann, I am sorry for what you are going through. It was a painful aspect of my split from my STBX when my in-laws started circling the wagons with him and shut me out. I knew I was in the right, and that he had been horrible, and abusive, and that I had given him numerous chances to seek counseling. They knew it, too, but in the end, they are his family, and I do understand that even if I had every right in the world to leave, they are going to "side" with him if it comes down to it.

I hope you find a solution to this. Your husband may be acting out of spite or he may be shut down and unable to cope or do anything, including deal with your certificate. Would the courier thing work--could you find someone to pay to go pick it up, kind of like serving a summons? 

Sorry about him and your s-i-l. There may be some resentment there, that now that you have "abandoned your responsibility to him so that he can watch tv all day"--are any of his family members going to have to pick up the slack now that you are gone? Like his brother and sister-in-law? I know that when I left, my STBX's issues ceased to be my issues and suddenly became his family's issues, and I don't think they were thrilled about having to deal with him after I had taken him off their hands for so long, lol. 

He finally sent it

My certificate arrived in today's mail without comment. It was from his mother's address. I emailed him to ask him whether he was living there, but of course, no answer. Why can't two people who loved each other communicate about practical things?


Because if he would have tried to communicate with you, you might still be with him!! That is one of the reasons you left, probably. Glad you got the certificate.

what's love got to do with it?

Ha, sorry, couldn't help the song title in the subject line. Glad you got your certificate. As another dealing with a STBX about practical things as we split, my answer is that: we can't communicate now about finances and bills and caring for our children and what will happen to the broken dryer, after our split, much better than we could before we split, unfortunately. A big part of the reason we split. And I did love my STBX, I really did, before everything went so south. 

Maybe he is depressed and really shut down. Maybe he needs time to process you leaving and accept it. Maybe he is mad at you. Maybe he will be ready to talk after time passes. At least he managed to get the certificate to you. One of the toughest things to accept about a split, I think, is that you probably will never be able to resolve most issues. Bummer. I wish you luck!


It was my sister-in-law who sent it

It was her address it came from. That's also our mother-in-law's address, since she lives in a separate mother-in-law apartment, and I assumed she had sent it. It is so frustrating that neither my mother-in-law nor my husband appear to care about me at all.


My ADHD-er can be prone to extreme vindictiveness at times (ask me about the time I had to tell his mother that he didn't intend on going to his brother's wedding).  I don't know if this is a common feature.  It's also likely that instead of being vindictive, he was merely being avoidant which is a characteristic of the disorder.  It is possible that your ex simply didn't want to deal with what has happened and communicating with you or sending you your mail was too much for him to handle.  Very relieved to hear you eventually got your certificate! 

If something like this happens again, remember that mail is a federally protected property for which you can take legal action.  Not out of spite, but for lack of any other course of action.  Your ex probably wouldn't understand and would get upset but if you ever needed to take this recourse you can calmly and civilly explain that you had no other choice.  It's important to feel empowered and not at the whim and mercy of your ex and/or his family...