Spouse feels suffocated

Had a brief vacation w kids and spouse that ended up pleasant- tho w a rocky start. Spouse had a la adhd moment in that he did not pack but worked up til last second and then became /verbally abuse when pushed (we have to leave NOW!). But it pulled together and we had some fun. I asked at a better moment that we (kids and I) seek more stability- that if he needs to go out twice a week to decompress (yes, get drunk- he is alcoholic ImHO) then please be home the other three nights early enough so we can function better w all that needs to be done. We hugged, he said he would try. This week: out monday as agreed but then again yesterday. Came in late drunk again, I was up and upset. No angry, feeling fed up yet know that to approach him would not help. I did get mad though and told him to get help, like AA. This am he states (as he is ready to run out door by 6am) that I cursed at him last night and he was not going to argue w me. He said he felt suffocated by my request to be home by 7:30 three nights a week though I stress this is for kids sake as well. We all love him, yet he will still revert to blaming me as the root cause- as well as work. I guess writing this I see that there is not much I can do to change that situation beyond continue without him. Yes, I hear DF telling me to stop. The problem is that my sweet husband keeps popping up amongst the jerky behavior.

The more he drinks, the less

The more he drinks, the less you're going to see of the "sweet husband".  I can tell you in my situation, when my husband was doing what your DH is doing, me 'telling/asking' him to be home at any certain time would pretty much ensure he would not only NOT be home at that time, but the behavior would get worse (go out more, drink more, stay out later). He would look me dead in the eye and say "I won't be home late" and then roll in at 2, 3, 4 a.m. We would 'talk', he would tell me he was going to quit drinking, and sometimes even THAT NIGHT he would be right back out as if we had never had the conversation and he'd never said he'd quit. He KNEW that about 80% of the reason I left my first husband was his drinking...and that I am DEAD SET against raising kids in a home where there is abuse of alcohol. He knows that it is, TO MY CORE, important to me that my kids not be subjected to that home life (whether drinking in the home or laying out doing it elsewhere) and that 'card' never worked either. He was (as I am sure your DH is) convinced that it was all about me wanting to control him. Period. The last straw, when things turned violent between us for the first time EVER (I had no idea he was drunk that night...until after my girls found the evidence) and I got up the next morning to go find him somewhere else to live. He agreed to quit drinking...by this point our daughter was so afraid of him that she wouldn't even leave me alone with him. 18 months later she is still afraid for him to drink.

Figure out what your options are. Stay and let him go and do his own thing and make his own decisions and accept that if his choice is to continue going out and drinking everyday that it will likely destroy his life, your life, and your family and marriage? Insist he quit drinking or move out? I honestly don't know. I don't think he would be drinking like this were his ADHD being 'treated' properly. He's running. He's escaping. He most likely is very unhappy with himself and his behaviors, but justifies what he's doing by blaming you. The research and information available to us says "take care of yourself and the kids and just let go...and let him make his own choice and face the consequences of those choices." Easier said than done. I know. Remove ALL excuses that have to do with you. Not only don't 'suffocate' him with your requests, I challenge you to go the opposite direction and give him more space than he ever imagined.

 

I know you're right. You KNOW

I know you're right. You KNOW I know you are right. And I have been doing that to the best of my ability. But as you know, its incredibly lonely, and some moments of weakness when you feel so alone... its like a palpable physical pain in the soul. And when your kids suffer the consequences of confusing messages from a daddy they love (as I do)... it's heartbreak. I am an apparently strong woman (thats what I hear, I guess it is true to a degree). I have changed from this experience- both for the better (realizing I DO have some worth) and the worse (life's view has altered, realizing its possible that no one MAY help you in the long run but yourself). But it's hard (understatement of the century). Thank you, if it was not for this forum I could definitely not make it some nights, as well as for some dear friends. But just wish my DH could get off this intractable "pot". The endless blame stinks and is so hard for my self esteem!

Self observation

And in rereading this I am personally struck by the undertone of "victim". I guess I need to work on that too. I am no victim, and my husband is no villain. At the end, there are no winners here as long as we two continue to be embattled in the poor communication wars.

Drinking is bad enough for a NonADDer

Even a stable medicated ADDer should steer clear of much alcohol. I feel it robs me of my new found awareness and I won't do that. I sorry you are going through this. I hope you can convince him to back off the booze. I don't ever want my kids to see me drunk. Hang in there Lulu.

 

YYZ


 

Thanks yyz, your kind words

Thanks yyz, your kind words are always appreciated! Dh is not a bad man, I see his issues based upon some serious coping difficulties. He is afraid, running, not coping im any healthy way but it is hurting him more than anyone. I see it in his "quieter" moments that he is struggling. My only thought is to continue as I can, and moving forward as best I can. You mentioned your wife set dpwn boundaries- may I ask what those were and how did you feel compelled to honor them?

Anytime :)

I hope you did not get from my post that thought your DH was bad in any way. I definitely did not mean for it to sound that way. I also remember doing my Most Stupid things while under alcohol's influence.

Boundaries - I knew from the very beginning, long before I knew ADD assisted in my behaviors, that there were expectations of me. Cheating = Death Penalty, Black/White, 1/0, Yes/No, there was No grey area on this topic. Good old fashioned chivalry: Open car door or any door for that matter, if possible. Pay the check (Even if she was paying), Don't look at other women when together (Common Sense). These probably came from her growing up Without Seeing these things. Divorce, cheating, beating is what she saw during her childhood.

Those were pretty easy and basically common sense.

Learned through pain and suffering (Both of us) Boundaries - Don't drop a big bomb on her at work, like "I went and looked at a car at lunch", Basically she hates to be surprised/shocked. DO Not let her find out about something "Through the Grapevine", like the previous car example, even if I did not buy or sign anything. She is acutely concerned with "How things appear to people". ADD Me did not care what others thought and I did not see, at first, how my actions could get twisted and back to my wife. Spending money was an issue. We agreed a long while back if we wanted anything over $100, we should consult. I did not always adhere to this rule, lost trust with those transactions. I'm much better these days. Discussing anything personal with another female friend. I never really had an issue with this because we worked at the same company from the start of our marriage through 12 years, then I got a great job offer, took it, and a lot of new dynamics were introduced that I/We were not expecting. Long crazy hours, new co-workers became new friends lots of unknowns to my DW and major stress to me at a time when our relationship was "Like Room Mates". With all the new stresses and a major family member death in my life, anxiety attacks began which lead to my diagnosis. THANK Goodness... I was watching a train wreck unfold in slow motion and it was my life.

Compelled to follow: Something inside me kept telling me that she was really good for me and if I needed to alter my behaviors, then that is what I tried to do. (Many impulsive failures though)

Post Adderall: I see why these things were so damaging, I see that ADD hand a Big Hand in my choices which helped me stop thinking I was Weak-Minded, Stupid, Lazy, No Common Sense and so on... I still made those choices and I own them, but I know I am not alone in the weird way I think and I will improve the future. I wish I could go back with what I know now, but I can't, it's sad, but I figure I have 1/2 of my life left to be better.

Hand in there, Lulu...

YYZ

 

ADHD needs more vacation..it's an environmental factor..

It's an environmental factor, that he is under the right environment that suits his every day life.I learned something by being with my ADHD  husband, if the environment is to closed up for him then we never live good,for example,he lived with me,my two kids which is not his,my mother and 4 cats.I thought he was willing to stay with me and live with me there seeing we just got married and it is rent FREE, after all the house would belong to me after the passing of my mother.But no he decided to complain about everything and everyone,and stress me out so bad all he wanted to do was run from my pets,kids,mother everything.He finally moved out into his apartment ALONE! where I would spend some time after work and then go home on evenings and so far it has been much better for us.He was being suffocated by my family and all they really ever did was showed him love and kindness.He is more  better either in the ocean,mountains or on a plane or boat that's his customs.I lived in a concrete home in the city,and that was his suffocation right there.He drinks a lot too almost every single day until I sort of got him to stop,but I know he drinks a lot still when I'm not there.He said to me once that is to calm him down and he abuses other drugs too and I am very sick of it.....ADHD husbands are of a different nature I have to work twice as hard to maintain a some what normal relationship...