Spouse refuses to help!

I have severe ADHD.   I am the mother of 3 children. 2 out of the 3 have ADHD. My oldest is 19 and disabled. He has ADHD/Bipolar/Developmental delay/Learning disabled/ODD. My daughter does not have anything.  My youngest is 8 with just ADHD.  I need help. Im trying my best to manage mine with meds, therapy, coaching. I am responsible for helping manage my sons. So I have 3 people I am trying to help manage. MY problem is my husband. Even though he knows my difficulties, He refuses to help or be of support in any way. I am responsible for everything! Im responsible for all the financial aspects, I am responsible for all the household chores including all the yardwork.  All the cleaning, cooking, groceries,  bills, dr appts., homeschooling,   everything is on my lap! And I am struggling BIG TIME!!  Actually Im sinking! I ask him to be supportive and help me out and he refuses. He tells me Im the wife and the mother its all my job. According to him, his ONLY job is to go to work. He is home by 4 or 5pm everyday Mon-FRi and is off everyweekend. He goes to his room and watches tv the rest of the day.  But yet he refuses to pitch in at all.   How am I suppose to handle all this? Im really trying different ways to do things and mange everything but nothing is working except me sinking further and further down.  My therapist just keeps saying all this is too much for me to handle alone and that I should get some help. HOW?  What else can I do? He even refuses to let  our son read him a book because he says his schooling is my responsiblity.  Please any advice appreciated!!!

I hear you.

I read your post a sighed a BIG sigh for you.  You need help.  DH is not going to help (for whatever reason).  You need help just like a mother of triplets or quadruplets need help.  Time off by yourself.   A compassionate ear to listen to you and let you feel loved and heard.   Community resourses.....church, disability resources for your eldest.  Family....parent, sibling, grandparent or adopted family friend.  Contact social services.  Tell your dh the outside work is ONLY his...don't do ANY yard work....it is the man's job.  Let the yard work go if he doesn't do it and it will reflect on HIM not on you. Let DH and your daughter do their own laundry....LOTS of overworked women let the adults in their family do their own laundry.  DON'T shop for the adults in your family ....let them do their own shopping.  concentrate on finding some happiness for yourself so you can spread some love and happiness around your home.  Take care that your daughter and you have some loving time together to give each other strength and care.  Spend some alone time with that 8 year old - letting him/her know he is loved and seen and heard.   I am so sorry your life is difficult.  I am reading a book right now called Life without Limits.  It is about a man with no legs or arms.....onlly one partial foot with two toes.  he has overcome so much it gives you hope that someone can function with so little and make a happy life for himself!  I know you must be frustrated and tired.  I hear you.  Ask for help. I sounds like you won't be able to change your dh.  Have faith.  I hear you.

"if you can accept that you aren't strong enough to do something by yourself, an opportunity presents itself for you to receive extra help and inspiration. You free yourself up, see yourself differently and discover a source of strength that is far greater than that of your ego."

llc's picture

I am a bit appalled that

I am a bit appalled that there is only one reply here. If you were a spouse of an ADHD sufferer it would Likely have many comments. Yours is the 4th post ive read from an ADHD reaching out that only has one or no responses. It is Awful, but at least the comment you got here was kind and very well sasaisaid.

Can your therapist recommend anything or place that can help you? Would your husband consider therapy? I am so sorry you are going through this. Truly. 

You are right

And I agree that this is not right.


Women with ADHD

Women with ADHD face a double whammy - the ADHD and then the societal expectations that they should be master organizers around the house.  Sari Solden writes about this in her books (look them up at Amazon) and also has (I believe) an online support group that might be helpful for you.  She's a great resource.

I can also suggest my course.  Not only will you learn things that will help you with ADHD issues, but your partner will hear some very important things about what HE ought to be doing, too.  Sounds as if he needs a push to realize that he is not "KING" and you his servant.

It's possible that he refuses to pitch in not only because he is doing an unfair gender affiliation with chores, but also because his view is that if he "pushes" you hard enough by not pitching in then you will "learn" that you "must do better.'  I see this all the time (often with women trying to push men to pitch in) and it is a strategy that simply doesn't work.  He needs to be confronted about his attitude - most likely YOU cannot do this, but rather a professional should.  If you choose a marriage counselor, MAKE SURE they understand ADHD.  There is a resources list at my site of at least some people who are good at this - perhaps one is near you.

Best of luck to you...

All of this work should

All of this work should DEFINITELY not just be on you. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. My husband is adhd and I'm not, but at least he tries to do his fair share outside of work. I just have to remind him a lot;p

I agree with jenna. Take care of you and the kids (as best you can) and let the rest go. It will cause conflict, but if he won't listen to your side, it would be best to just let it go in one ear & out the other, and stay focused on you & yours.

Best of luck!!!