I'm just so frustrated... The last year I was able to get spouse to marriage counseling 4 times with me!!! The other times I went myself. After many arguments I demanded a diagnose. I felt bad but he went. He has Anxiety, I thought ADHD and the Dr. prescribed something to help him relax.. He's a good guy just always non-stop, hyper, in a hurry all the time, doesn't care about what I have to say, it's his way only.. He doesn't understand that marriage is about 2 people not 1....It's really difficult as I'm finding myself 'on edge' most of the time. I think it's because of him-- very stressful.. He can't stay on a conversation and just walks away... Basically just gets what he needs from me (conversation) and walks away. No emotional support from him at all. He just takes and takes.. He also gets angry more often too which I don't like!! No physical, just yelling and angry. He took the meds and WOW the best 4 weeks... He was 'present' with our family. Dinners were enjoyable.. Basically everything was getting better!! No arguments at all!! I did more as a mom and wife if that makes sense--- maybe it was just more relaxing here. Then he refused to take what was prescribed and tells me to take medication!! I know it's his right BUT why did he do this?? I just don't know what to do.. We have been married 16 years, 2 kids--- nice family!! But how can I handle this?? The Dr know but it's my husbands right to refuse. I sent him articles and emails asking him to please reconsider.. Just not sure I want to stay with this Jekyl/Hyde personality. Do I have a 'right' to give him an ultimatum to take what is prescribed or I need to look into leaving? It seems harsh but I don't know what else to do. Tonight I didn't have dinner made and he was all pi@@y but how else can I get thru to him?
Spouse won't take med that was prescribed
Submitted by sophiesmom on 11/04/2016.
There are at least a few
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
There are at least a few possible reasons your husband stopped taking the medication: he forgot; he things it costs too much; it has unpleasant side effects; he doesn't like the idea that he has something "wrong" with him that the medication is "fixing"; he has moral objections to taking psychiatric meds. Is there any way you could bring up the possibilities with him?
The above are possible reasons, but also......
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Another reason that some people, men particularly do not like taking some meds is because they interfere with their sex drives.
I have that issue with my H. There are certain meds that he has taken that make him MUCH easier to be around, BUT he hates them because they kill his sex drive.
BUT....he doesn't "get it". I have no interest in having sex with someone who is being a jerk, so he's not gaining ANYTHING by not taking the meds. In his mind, it's the fact of no sex drive. He hates that. It make him feel "less than a man." Well, he's less of a man in my mind when he's acting like an ass.
I also agree with Rosered's suggestion that he doesn't like the suggestion that there is something wrong with him. My H also has that conflict. He thinks that if he's the only one taking meds, then he's the "wrong one".
Taking meds also reminds H of his boyhood years. When he was a child, when he'd act up, his family would say, "take your meds". H was on medication as a child. I found that out much later. His parents' answer to everything was to keep him drugged. They were too lazy to teach him anything.
How do you reconcile.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
How do you reconcile.....
>>>
He's a good guy
<<<
with....
<<<
He's a good guy just always non-stop, hyper, in a hurry all the time, doesn't care about what I have to say, it's his way only.. He doesn't understand that marriage is about 2 people not 1....It's really difficult as I'm finding myself 'on edge' most of the time. I think it's because of him-- very stressful.. He can't stay on a conversation and just walks away... Basically just gets what he needs from me (conversation) and walks away. No emotional support from him at all. He just takes and takes.. He also gets angry more often too which I don't like!! No physical, just yelling and angry.just always non-stop, hyper, in a hurry all the time, doesn't care about what I have to say, it's his way only.. He doesn't understand that marriage is about 2 people not 1....It's really difficult as I'm finding myself 'on edge' most of the time. I think it's because of him-- very stressful.. He can't stay on a conversation and just walks away... Basically just gets what he needs from me (conversation) and walks away.
No emotional support from him at all. He just takes and takes.. He also gets angry more often too which I don't like!! No physical, just yelling and angry.
>>>
You described a self-absorbed selfish person.
Thank-you
Submitted by sophiesmom on
Thank-you for your replies.. I have tried to talk with him, I've sent positive emails and articles for him to read. I told him that I felt like I respected him more by 'stepping' up and that I feel more comfortable and calm with him while taking the meds. I told him I can have conversations with him. He claims that it's BS and I want him 'drugged'. There is no way that he was drugged, just more tolerable. He also slept!!! Now he doesn't sleep now-- just moves around in bed and then goes to the guest room or even the couch.. How can he not feel better?? I don't understand. Except he just doesn't like to be on meds--the stigma. And yes he doesn't like being 'fixed'. He believes he is fine and everybody enjoys him but I explained 'they' don't live with you. I can tell a big difference. He did tell me he doesn't like the side effects but he never complained to me about them before so I'm wondering if that's an excuse. I did remind him to talk with his doctor as she could try something else.. But he just 'grumbled' at that idea.. I just don't know if i can tolerate this kind of life, it's like he's telling me over and over that I'm not worth it-- our family isn't worth it either. If he is like this now, what's he going to be like in 10-20 yrs? I did make an appt for a free consultation with an attorney. If anything to get more information for myself!!
And yes he a self- absorbed person. But he is a hard worker and I know he can't help his behavior so maybe that's why I haven't left yet. I keep hoping he will see the light and do the right thing.
And
Submitted by sophiesmom on
I would remind him to take his pill (discreetly) b-cuz it was around dinner time.. I thought I was helping.. Really!!! But after awhile he hated it and told his Dr to tell me to 'back off' which I did right away!!! And that's when he stopped completely. I really think it's the thought of him taking something to 'slow' him down that's the problem... He hasn't been interested in sex in years which is fine with me!! I believe either he is A-sexual ORRR just too hyper to have sex. But yes, I guess all I can do is keep talking with him.
sophiesmom, husbands very similar
Submitted by dedelight4 on
" He took the meds and WOW the best 4 weeks... He was 'present' with our family. Dinners were enjoyable.. Basically everything was getting better!! No arguments at all!! I did more as a mom and wife if that makes sense--- maybe it was just more relaxing here"
I lived through the same thing with my ADHD husband. When he first started taking the meds, DAILY, the first month or so was SO DIFFERENT. He was so much better in his attitude, his moods, his interaction with us, and just about everything. But, then he started missing days, and his moods went up and down again, and every few weeks he'd get in a serious depressed mode that nothing could get him "out of". It didn't make sense. He said he didn't like the way the meds "made him feel", but to the OUTSIDE world, he was so much BETTER. I know the ones who have ADHD, (plus co-morbid things, most do) are USED to living life the way they are, and THAT is normal to them, so anything else seems abnormal.
Yes, our dinners were so much more enjoyable also, as well as having conversations, where he would laugh with us, and be 'part" of the family, instead of locking himself in his office in front of the computer, screen, video games and television. He DID work hard, YES, and always provided, but caused a lot of chaos with thing he 'just forgot", like paying bills on time, extreme messiness, and very abstract and weird outbursts that often hurt people's feelings.
So, that's why they truly need guidance and KNOWLEDGE about their conditions, and how they've learned to COPE with it, as well as how they learned to cope with life from their original family dynamics. Also, when they marry a non-ADHD, the interaction can become very difficult because of poor coping skills, with both people. We have to understand and work with the ins and outs of this condition.....BOTH people, to have a much better marriage. The "non" can learn and do a lot to help the situation, and there are folks on this site that prove that.
My husband's mother was bipolar (passed from Alzheimer's) and was a "distant" colder, un-loving type mother. She lived an entire victim type "everyone has done me wrong" type of life, and my husband defended her relentlessly, trying to protect her from harm, when most of the harm that was done, she caused herself. Since my husband is very intelligent, and many ADHD people are, he believes he is "above" other people because he is just more INTELLIGENT than them. (arrogant, yes) He took himself off his ADHD meds, and went back to the chaotic, run everywhere, everything has to be done FAST, FAST, FAST, "get it done" (when it really isn't) hyperactive, very moody self, which feels "normal" to him. And, he still works endlessly to try to hide the REAL him, that he doesn't want people to see, but we CAN see it. And, THAT is called DENIAL. It's the denial that causes many of them to under-play what their condition does to THEM, and that it has a huge effect on intimate relationships. (Melissa's book about ADHD and marriage)
I left several months ago, after 3 decades of marriage. Didn't want to, and would have RATHER had the marriage work, but he told me he was "still in love" with an old girlfriend. (plus had a long term affair with someone else) So, THAT was it for me, and I never expected to be 60 years old with next to nothing to show for it. Thank God, I have my grown children, and they are wonderful.
You asked a question if you have a "right" to give him an ultimatum. I believe you have the responsibility being an EQUAL PARTNER (even though it's not usually equal) to tell him what you know about ADHD, explain to him how much you LOVED it when he was taking the meds regularly. And tell him the two of you can do this together. If he won't, and refuses, then that is something ELSE, and I can't tell you what to do on that, only you know. Many people here have not survived an ADHD marriage in denial, because it's so lopsided, but YOU can do things to help yourself get calmer, and feel more in control of your reactions and feelings. Melissa explains that well here, and in her books and seminars.
Dede You Raised a Good Point about "Ultimatums"
Submitted by kellyj on
The thing about Ultimatums? How are you going to back it up yourself and will this...or is this an effective way to "make the connection" between cause and effect? If it's just words and you are not absolutely ready to back it with action....then it's a waste of time anyway? But the goal here I think...will get easily misconstrued as punishment on the receiving end? It's a poor motivator and an equally ( if not poorer ) form of manipulation that will only back fire unless it's a last resort or kind of a Hail Mary play at the end of the game? It's certainly not leading by example unless this is the example you want in return?
I think if you want to effect change....then the effect you have is to model the change you want which is exactly what you are saying? If you have a responsibility in your relationship...then do that one and don;t try and get....someone else to do there by trying to "make them do it." I think you might say it like.....creating the environment that will be conducive to change...and then leading them to the door and allowing them to decide what to do on their own? Either they do it....or they don't.....but making what they do.....contingent on what you do....is allowing them to control you....even within the giving of the Ultimatum itself?
I'm hesitant here to include a saying...that for all intensive purposes...is a horrible one but it makes a point that is very poignant here? I am admittedly saying that I'm sure this won't go over well with women in general...but the sentiment can be applied to anyone...... of any gender, race creed or color in the same way...it just so happens to be a clever "play on words"...which is why it's easy to remember? At the very least....it makes a rather interesting point or perspective that can applied to the same thinking in terms of someone who's in denial...at the very least? I'm apologizing profusely up front and making sure the point I'm making is not about the content...but more to the point itself and not about the punch line or thinking it's all that funny myself? Don't shoot the messenger in other words please!!! LOL
"Ultimatums...are kind of like Horticulture. You can lead a whore to culture....but you can't make her think? " Bypassing the obvious here...and looking at the "point"this is trying to make.....you can't make someone "think" or make them "change their minds."...if they are bound and determined to sabotage themselves in the process? All you can do is lead them to the door...but they have to walk through it on their own or it won't work I think? You can per pursuasive in other ways....but this one is not a good one...for all intensive purposes?
J
Hello.. I welcome all
Submitted by sophiesmom on
Hello.. I welcome all replies.. I need to hear what ppl have to say because I'm at a loss. I have lived like this for years and I believe I'm ready for some changes. I have been to a therapist--when she told me that I need to leave because he refuses to work on our marriage, I was shocked. After a few months I looked into couples counseling (male)-- spouse only went to 4 sessions. I went to the other sessions myself and he suggested to keep trying to talk with spouse about this... UGH But that's when I got spouse to see a Dr at the same clinic so that's a positive.
I understand about ultimatums.. I need to follow thru on them .. instead of being a threat or just talk.. And this could be why I feel guilty about them because I don't want to leave. It seems harsh. I have made his life a little uncomfortable by not always cooking dinner, spending more $$ than I should, going to acupuncture when I know he's against it and will get out with friends when I can. It's like if he's not willing to meet me a little then why should I push myself to make his life comfortable and easy. Yes, childish which I hate BUT I need to get his attention!!
He wants me on medication but for what?? I told him that after we get him on track, I will go to my Dr and get something? Does that make any sense? I guess I can ask for something to take when it gets 'crazy' around here BUT just not sure the Dr will do that.
There was a message for me from the attorney on our machine-- it was just a free consultation as in more information for me. He heard which doesn't bother me but it started an argument. I have told him that I can't handle it anymore and if he won't help himself, then I need to help myself and move on!!! I guess it made him realize I was serious. And he did start the meds again and said he'll try BUT if he has side effects he'll stop. I also talked him into going to see our therapist -- he needs to go himself and just talk.. Then he just cancelled it yesterday! I have been really kicking it up at home-- not bothering him, doing yard work and kid stuff.. kitchen is always clean.. He wants me to be more active in the home which I will but he needs to do some self-help himself. I think that's fair.
I just need him to slow-down here at home.. It's like he is wired, energizer bunny--- on the computer, nervous energy. I would like him to be more present and not always worrying about crap that's unnecessary. It gets on my nerves along with the thousands of questions he asks about, most just off topic. I want to go to kid sporting events without him yelling on the sidelines--- it's embarrassing!!! Not all parents yell from the sidelines.
But yes, bottom line he is an
Submitted by sophiesmom on
But yes, bottom line he is an adult and can do as he pleases.. I guess time will tell what happens..