Spouses - OCD and ADHD

My wife and I have three very bright and beautiful children but are at a severe juncture in our marriage. A web search brought me to your sight as I try to understand my unrelenting anger and my spouses daily struggle with structure. From a quick assessment, it looks like my wife has ADHD and I have been pouring fuel on a raging fire. My constant griping and blaming has created such a miserable environment that my wife walks around with knots in her stomach and the children continually apologize as a way to not upset Dad. Our diferences are all over the small things. I think the small things should just go away and she feels that they are small and do not need the scrutany. Some examples are as follows: leaving doors unlocked and lights on, making 4 trips to the grocery store in a week and not remembering to buy milk, sending the kids to school with coats and picking them up without them, washer and dryer being used as a storage device. I would like to add that we play very well together. Our family environment is wonderful when we are having fun. If awareness is the starting point for change, I am there. What advice can you give to me and my wife to move forward individually and collectively? We definitely cannot continue on the path that we are on for much longer.