I am not sure this has anything to do with adhd, but my husband keeps starring at other women when where are out together. This bothers me so much. When we were 19 he told me he stared at other girls all the time when he was alone, and that they didn´t need to be beautiful, the he would focus on the nice parts. Back then, I believed men and women were the same, and since I never do that, I thought this was wrong like cheating. I had made that statement in conversation, so later he told me about this because he was feeling dishonest with me. When he told me about this It hurt me a lot, I wanted to leave him, but I didn´t manage.
He also told me he was always feeling sad, nervous, and bad about himself, and that he masturbated all the time to control his feelings. This time I just felt really sorry for him.
I married him when I was 23. From time to time I used to find hidden porn magazines somewhere in the house and for some reason it made me feel a little sad. I never noticed him looking at other women and totally forgot about this subject. We had a video camera and I once found a tape with zooming images of the babysitter´s bottom and boobies, and of bottom and boobies of people in the streets. I was very disappointed and sad, but did not really react to it. In fact I just gave him the tape back and only begged him to destroy it. He explained himself by saying "you know I have this woman problem".
Again I never noticed him looking at other girls, but he always made male-like comments to me about how hot this or that girl was. That bothered me.
In the last years, however, the I began noticing the starring, which got less and less discreet over time. With the coming of the internet, the porn magazines were replaced by pornsites, real girls dancing on youtube, real girls photo albums, etc. And that includes images of very young teenagers. Over the years, he became more and more compulsive until last year he was doing it all the time. Porn was all over our computer, and all over his computer at his office desk. The computer was so infected that porn would just pop up in the screen without anyone asking for it. He was so compulsive that he did it in our room during daylight, with me in the room getting ready for work and talking to him. He wished to be left alone in the house during the day, or nervously begged me to go to bed early for no apparent reason (I was sure he wanted to masturbate at porn on his own). When we laid together, but sex did not heppen imediately, he would get up and masturbate at porn, even though he had been doing it all day. He often stayed up all night doing it. I felt so many different negative feelings when I used to check what he had been seeing (he did not even delete internet history!). This, combined with the starring, and the way he approached me for sex ( and that would be the only reason he ever approached me for) was making me feel very distressed. I was feeling disrespected, and felt I had become only a small detail in his sex life.. well.. compared to his exciting masturbation sessions, I am really not so interesting. I did not like having sex with him anymore and stopped sex for months.
Now, after a year of therapy, and a lot of begging and crying from my part, he is not looking at porn or erotica in the internet anymore, although I am pretty sure he still sees it on TV (where I can´t track). At first the starring had stopped, and I noticed it was very hard for him not to stare at women when with me (I am sure he never quit it when not with me). But now I notice him quickly looking at girls and women, and that is enough for me to spend a whole day crying. That is pathetic of me, I know.
If I reason about it, I think it is ok for a man to look at other women, to look at images of women on the net, or to see erotica films. But I can help to feel really sad when he looks at a woman, even if I, myself, find the woman so pretty and feel like admiring her. I don´t know what´s wrong with me. I feel like a jealous freak. I feel I will always be unhappy. I imagine myself being 50 or 60, feeling my body ageing while catching him looking at teens, and feeling horrible, and thinking my whole life was miserable and ridiculous. Sometimes I think I am crazy and a totally unreasonable person. But then again, I think it is legitimate for me to think that if a woman´s beauty and youthfulness is what turns my husband on, what will happen with me in the future? I am 34 and will only get older. He once told me to go to the gym because he likes women with firm muscles. I actually am doing gym, because I want to be active and healthy. When I started gym he said to me that he couldn´t wait to see by body "getting better". Sometimes I think these worries are a good reason for a divorce, and get sadder about it. Then I think cannot leave with any man anymore, since people say all men look at porn and stare at women. That makes me even sadder. Sometimes feel like leaving him and becoming a lesbian...
...I guess I won´t write anymore because I am becoming ashamed of my stupid feelings. I wish I could relax and not care about this, because nowadays I am sure he loves me and is attracted to me and we are having great sex. Can a therapist make me not think about this and laugh about his starring habits?