I am not sure this has anything to do with adhd, but my husband keeps starring at other women when where are out together. This bothers me so much. When we were 19 he told me he stared at other girls all the time when he was alone, and that they didn´t need to be beautiful, the he would focus on the nice parts. Back then, I believed men and women were the same, and since I never do that, I thought this was wrong like cheating. I had made that statement in conversation, so later he told me about this because he was feeling dishonest with me. When he told me about this It hurt me a lot, I wanted to leave him, but I didn´t manage.
He also told me he was always feeling sad, nervous, and bad about himself, and that he masturbated all the time to control his feelings. This time I just felt really sorry for him.
I married him when I was 23. From time to time I used to find hidden porn magazines somewhere in the house and for some reason it made me feel a little sad. I never noticed him looking at other women and totally forgot about this subject. We had a video camera and I once found a tape with zooming images of the babysitter´s bottom and boobies, and of bottom and boobies of people in the streets. I was very disappointed and sad, but did not really react to it. In fact I just gave him the tape back and only begged him to destroy it. He explained himself by saying "you know I have this woman problem".
Again I never noticed him looking at other girls, but he always made male-like comments to me about how hot this or that girl was. That bothered me.
In the last years, however, the I began noticing the starring, which got less and less discreet over time. With the coming of the internet, the porn magazines were replaced by pornsites, real girls dancing on youtube, real girls photo albums, etc. And that includes images of very young teenagers. Over the years, he became more and more compulsive until last year he was doing it all the time. Porn was all over our computer, and all over his computer at his office desk. The computer was so infected that porn would just pop up in the screen without anyone asking for it. He was so compulsive that he did it in our room during daylight, with me in the room getting ready for work and talking to him. He wished to be left alone in the house during the day, or nervously begged me to go to bed early for no apparent reason (I was sure he wanted to masturbate at porn on his own). When we laid together, but sex did not heppen imediately, he would get up and masturbate at porn, even though he had been doing it all day. He often stayed up all night doing it. I felt so many different negative feelings when I used to check what he had been seeing (he did not even delete internet history!). This, combined with the starring, and the way he approached me for sex ( and that would be the only reason he ever approached me for) was making me feel very distressed. I was feeling disrespected, and felt I had become only a small detail in his sex life.. well.. compared to his exciting masturbation sessions, I am really not so interesting. I did not like having sex with him anymore and stopped sex for months.
Now, after a year of therapy, and a lot of begging and crying from my part, he is not looking at porn or erotica in the internet anymore, although I am pretty sure he still sees it on TV (where I can´t track). At first the starring had stopped, and I noticed it was very hard for him not to stare at women when with me (I am sure he never quit it when not with me). But now I notice him quickly looking at girls and women, and that is enough for me to spend a whole day crying. That is pathetic of me, I know.
If I reason about it, I think it is ok for a man to look at other women, to look at images of women on the net, or to see erotica films. But I can help to feel really sad when he looks at a woman, even if I, myself, find the woman so pretty and feel like admiring her. I don´t know what´s wrong with me. I feel like a jealous freak. I feel I will always be unhappy. I imagine myself being 50 or 60, feeling my body ageing while catching him looking at teens, and feeling horrible, and thinking my whole life was miserable and ridiculous. Sometimes I think I am crazy and a totally unreasonable person. But then again, I think it is legitimate for me to think that if a woman´s beauty and youthfulness is what turns my husband on, what will happen with me in the future? I am 34 and will only get older. He once told me to go to the gym because he likes women with firm muscles. I actually am doing gym, because I want to be active and healthy. When I started gym he said to me that he couldn´t wait to see by body "getting better". Sometimes I think these worries are a good reason for a divorce, and get sadder about it. Then I think cannot leave with any man anymore, since people say all men look at porn and stare at women. That makes me even sadder. Sometimes feel like leaving him and becoming a lesbian...
...I guess I won´t write anymore because I am becoming ashamed of my stupid feelings. I wish I could relax and not care about this, because nowadays I am sure he loves me and is attracted to me and we are having great sex. Can a therapist make me not think about this and laugh about his starring habits?
You're not the problem...
Submitted by ezgeem on
...He is.
I don't mean that in a nasty or disrespectful way, but if you want outside opinions, I don't think you need help dealing with his behaviour, he needs to stop it.
Some people truly don't mind having their partners act like sex-starved frat boys (or so I've heard). I'm not like that and it sounds like you're not, either. Your reaction is valid and normal.
I know that men with ADD frequently have difficulties with fidelity and pornography. I've been there; my husband cheated on me more times than I can count and had a serious porn addiction until he sought sex addiction counselling and treatment. The illness provides context for the behaviour, but it doesn't make it acceptable. It also doesn't make it impossible to change the behaviour.
I totally understand feeling physically unattractive because of your husband's gawking and demeaning comments. My husband was the same, and it completely devastated my self-esteem. The good news is once my husband stopped looking at porn, he also stopped comparing me to an unrealistic standard. He's happy with me, attracted to me, and slowly my self-confidence is rebuilding. I'm not going to lie to you; it didn't change overnight. It was a long, bumpy road and I really didn't think we were going to survive it. But somehow we did and in that regard we're 100% better.
Best of luck.
I hate porn!
Submitted by optomistic on
I agree your not the problem! Please don't feel ashamed of how you feel your feelings are valid. I'am old fashiond and don't believe its o'k. I believe that Porn destroys marriages, families and violates people(I know some)!. Think of all the women he brings into bed with you! The acts get less and less fufilling so the acts have to be stepped up. How many stories are out there of children, women and innocent bystanders violated due to porn! How about murderers who watch porn and need to violate! I know not everyone rapes and murders. What you put into your mind is important. garbage in garbage out!how true...
I don't believe its o.k.for a husband to watch it. yes my husband watched it and thought it was o.k. to go to a strip club when I was pregnant with my 4th child.I wanted sex but he was too busy with porn and strip clubs!!He stopped for awhile when he realized those women were someones daughters(believe it or not).Thanks I needed to write after reading all these posts on porn.
I hope that you do keep writing on this web site and reading theres a lot of info here to help.Sorry if I sound brash ...You sound sad.life is short live well. best wishes
you are right
Submitted by brendab on
Optomistic,
Your post is so true. Porn destroys because it is fantasy and the real event cannot compete with some unrealistic fantasy. It does destroy intimacy and takes away from the physical, spiritual and emotional connection that should take place between a husband and wife. My exhusband also thought that fantasy sex was better so I was rejected while he did all you wrote. Porn has no place in a mentally and emotionally healthy person's life.
Brenda
Porn
Submitted by speechless20 on
I completely agree..but what does this do in the long run with someone who has add?????? I haven't heard one person say that porn has completely enriched their love lives.
I don´t know
Submitted by Cristina on
As I said I am not sure this has anything to do with ADD. But i do know some women who don´t mind their husband looking at porn, and that find it acceptable for men to stare at other women even when they are with their wives. Maybe all men do both (porn and starring)... but while most men see porn once in a while, and don´t do the starring in a way that is so offensive, ADDers have a hard time knowing when too much is too much, besides being so compulsive about everything.
So what I am trying to say is that when most women I talk to just have no idea about what I go through. Most women, for example, say their husbands don´t lust on teenagers... well mine does, and he says this is completely normal and all men do it. Maybe the difference is that other men just know this is something they should keep to themselves and are able to hide these feelings, saving their wives from this kind od preoccupation. What do you think?
all
Submitted by brendab on
Christina,
All of what you have written is true except for "all men do this". There are women who will look the other way when their husbands look at porn, there are women who will watch porn, some men will be discrete when looking at women's body parts, and some men will stare. But NOT ALL men will allow themselves to mentally go there no more than I would. I know men who do not view porn and I have actually searched my boyfriend's computer for any suspicious activity. He does not have anything remotely suspicious on his computer and I know how to look and find things. He believes porn is evil and destructive like I do and he won't go there. he doesn't want to pollute his mind or be a part of an industry that destroys mothers and daughters who create these movies.
Not all men view porn and viewing it creates a lot of problems for the women they are with. My future husband is to have his eyes on my body and remain satisfied with me. I have chosen zero tolerance for porn for my relationship. There are all kinds of temptations out there and some people will rationalize and justify what they do by saying things like "all men do this".
I would suggest that you decide what you must have and set the standard for yourself. No one can set your standard for you but yourself. Look inside yourself and let your character be your guide. Be deliberate and decisive and stand up for what you believe regardless of what it is. Don't allow him to establish your standard for you.
I went through a nonADD divorce and I discovered that compromising my value system to a boundary buster almost destroyed me. When I took the time to examine my value system and then create specific boundaries to protect them, I felt wholesome and healthy again. I never want to be that other person again. I don't try to tell others what values to have, but I do encourage people to google a list of values and choose the ones that speak loudest to you. Then make a system to never violate your value system again. You must love yourself first before you can help anyone else.
Brenda
value system, morals
Submitted by optomistic on
Brenda I agree. I know men who do not view porn but not my husband. I know men who struggle with lust and are in accountability groups. we have the freedom to chose and just because you can doesn't mean you should!I lived so long with my value system , my morals being violated(not just porn) that I felt like an enabler because I didn't take severe enough measures about it until it blew up our marriage and here I'am a seperated statistic with 4 children and redifining my life. I did the same thing to examine my value system, my faith, who I was and what kind of life I wanted. I became wholesome and healthy again. I now meet in a support group at my church called "never alone" and I have learned so much. especially that I was o.k. and about all the emotions I was feeling. even learning more about addictions and why addicts risk it all even their families..life is beautiful I don't want to live with ugliness anymore...:)
you are so right
Submitted by brendab on
Optomistic,
I totally relate to this comment you wrote "I didn't take severe enough measures about it until it blew up our marriage and here I'am a seperated statistic with 4 children and redifining my life."
I looked the other way because I felt so powerless and besides how would I support myself with 4 children? Then when my teen girls discovered what was going on, I decided that I didn't want them to think it was okay for a man to treat a woman the way he treated me. A good friend said "sin is very powerful when hidden, you have to bring the sin out into the light to dismantle it." I enabled it to go on for so many years out of fear. It almost destroyed me. I also told myself that I would not live an ugly life anymore. I found a website called recoverynation.com that was like a life preserver for me while I worked through the pain. I am so glad you have support through your church. We are not alone and we just need to reclaim the deep resources of character within us and make decisions based on our value system not our emotions.
Brenda
ADHD
Submitted by ADDbuster on
don't know about porn but ADHD people stare at what they like many times with not much control and they hyperfocus wich can lead to long stare at a body part.....................but porn i guess needs treatment specially when it is chronic. when it comes to looking well anything more than average is disrespect to you...........
Porn Issues
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Your husband's behavior has been outside the norm, in spite of the "all men do it" attitude that some would put forth. It isn't that people (men and women) don't look at porn (some do, some don't), but it is a problem when it starts to change their lives for the worse, which is your case. Your life, and your husband's life, have been changed for the worse.
I like the idea that another poster had here - visiting recoverynation.com to read more about what constitutes sex addiction.
I also like the idea of you developing a relationship with a counsellor or therapist. I suspect that you would find relief not only around the sex issue, but also around some other personal issues that might be bothering you.