starting to accept

I am getting to the "acceptance and understanding" phase of having this information of DH's probable ADD. I only found this site and learned about ADD one month ago. I knew about "hyperactivity" and heard the ADHD label but never associated it with anyone I was knew.   I have SOOOOOOOO much built up frustration, resentment and mistrust from this 35 years of marriage.  Every day I have more information and I test it and it turns out what people are saying is happening the same way with us.  DH and I just had a conversation and I had tears going down my cheeks as I was talking and as usual he did not make any reference to my tears.  He walked out the room all happy go lucky just happy to be on his way with other things on his mind.  Ordinarily I would have felt even worse and felt stupid for crying and that he was off thinking I was weak, a baby, too sensitive, stupid, intolerable or some other judgment about my crying. I would start wondering what was wrong with me that I cried and he walks away.  I would ALWAYS take his leave-taking without acknowledging my tears as him hating me or at least not caring.   This time I made no attempt to hide the tears falling down my cheeks.  Could it be that he really did not see them? Or is it that ADHDers just turn something unpleasant out of their minds and it is instantly replace with more pleasurable thoughts?  That he has no idea of all the crying I have done all these years? All these years when I cried and he walked away without acknowledging my sadness was either that he DID NOT SEE THEM OR it did not register that I needed something from him OR he needed to get away because it was too much for him to handle?  All these years I had been thinking he was an uncommitted jerk and I was too sensitive.   My tears really have no effect on him. Or is is a NOW/NOT NOW thing and my tears affect him only for an instant and he can turn around and not think of it.  It used to make me crazy and sad and angry.  Now it makes me feel lonely.  I am sure he is thinking of something else by now but I am here on this site trying to sort things out and find an audience for my tears.


WoW!! My husband does the same thing too,when I cried in front him he would just watch me or walk away,I am starting to think this "IS' an ADHD trait!! Oh WoW!!!!


I don't know that that is an

I don't know that that is an ADHD thing.  To not notice someone's tears seems a bit incomprehensible to me.  I'm not sure if it is a gender issue, or if perhaps your husbands tune out the tears because they have seen them so many times?  I don't mean this meanly; I have experienced the same thing from my NON-ADHD husband.  I cry when I am frustrated about our relationship...suffice it to say it has happened A LOT in the past few years...  I try not to do it, but...ugh...I'm a girl and sometimes I can't stop it...

I can't imagine tuning out someone's pain like that as a NOW/NOT NOW reaction.  I would still remember.  The few times I have seen my husband cry about our relationship, it has really affected me.  Of course, if he did it all the time, I wonder if I would react with as much compassion?  I'm not saying that either of you react like that regularly.  But we are all women, and all here for the same reason...we need help with our ADHD/NON-ADHD marriages, and I'm sure all three of us have cried more tears than we care to think about.  

You can cry here...

I've been lurking here a lot lately and want to say thanks, j, for posting. My DP and I separated a few weeks back for reasons which include what you described. We both been working on our own stuff, and there's been no working on us. Through my own work I've found a great deal of "baggage" that has brought on a lot of tears. I so hoped that my sharing might bring us closer, but not one bit. In fact, he's pulled back even more --- like staying down the street at a friends "pulled back". At first I was devastated. What the hell is wrong with me? Can't he see? Did I upset him? Did I trigger something with him?

Now it has dawned on me, though. Im not doing this work FOR him. I'm not crying FOR him... I'm crying for me. Our relationship is crashing on the rocks, and, yep, I'm crying. He wants to "have fun". Really??? How much fun have u have with the Wii remote shoved up your a$$? Im sorry - did my sobbing get in the way of your Zelda concentration? I could get so mad, but then i realized that i needed to change here if i want anything to change. 

​At the end of it all, though, we have to cry and get it out. We have to bed heard. If not by out sigi-others, than someone. Thank goodness you felt comfy enough to share here. I applaud that, and greatly appreciate it as well. I don't feel so alone and afraid myself. 

35 years is a big longer than my 5, so I hope you'll continue to share. I could use some pointers on how to keep my own composure and how to take care of myself through this. 


... And thanks for making an exception to the "crying women" club rules. ;) Some of us guys have the same normal reaction to an abnormal situation, too. Tissue, anyone??? :)