I want to find HOPE. The hardest thing for me to say is "help me". Not saying it is prideful and vain and won't get me any help, so "Help"! Remember - I want positive things. "I WANT" them. At the point I am at now, I have no self confidence, self loathing, failure beliefs, ADD etc, etc... but I want to change and in my past when I get to this low point - my saving grace has been to listen, really listen to what people who love me are saying and take the advice offered. So... a little background.
I am an adult ADD man married over 3 decades to a wonderful women. I have some bi-polar tendencies but in recent years, its raging ADD that has engulfed me and my relationship with her. She asked for us to go to counseling over 1 year ago, this spring, and now recently. I can't fake it and say Oh - I forgot you asked for this... because I remember. My awareness of time however isn't really linear, but that's an excuse, eh?
For many years I've been feeling more distant and have done things like withhoding affection, secluding my emotions, forgotten important dates (not just for her but for us). I wish I could place a finger on the reasons, but they fail to surface. She tells me she can't live like room-mates, because she loves me too much and it hurts too much for her. And I feel at fault, and lost. I don't express much, like I'm stuck in amber. She interprets this as I don't care - but it's a deeper emotional wall I built to avoid "the problem". I just need help in discovering the problem. I know this but I am afraid.
A few days ago she asked to have her own space, and I told her I would do whatever she wants at this point but it's hard. We still live in the same house and brush shoulders. Prior to this, I attempted to 'play' and show some affection and that blew up real bad. Because I have isolated her for so long, she was almost in shock and couldn't deal with it. I understand that, logically but not emotionally. I know that when she says these things my mind spins a future reality with out her, and I break down. I can't believe that what we have together is so fragile. But my mind has avoided the truth. I now know it is much worse than I was aware of, or was able to be aware of. I said to her that my best coping strategy at this point is to look away and forget - to only go forward. Sounds positive, doesn't it.
Well - to a non ADD spouse, her point of view; is that yeah, that's been done before and things change for a while but then it drifts slowly back to the same, lonely and isolated world that I create and she doesn't want to live that way. I totally understand. So - I am afraid that I can't put it together, to get back to my huge love of her that has carried us up to this point. It is hard to put this down on digital paper - over 1 hour of typing here - re-typing, head holding, OMG!!!!! S!#+!.
So we start counseling this week. I am, geesh. ugh, OMG, etc... etc... ADD... Help.