It's been nearly two years since my marriage melted down. Heavy drink was my ex's last straw away from sanity and suddenly he wanted to open our 13 year marriage. Well, he had been pursuing other women before asking but in his impulsive flurry to get approval for this alternative lifestyle. When I said no thanks I'd rather divorce, he had a three month alcohol fueled temper tantrum. I know now he was acting out, depressed, and without the executive functioning to know better at the moment.
The things he said to me, and up until November last I saw, about me to our mutual friends, I'm at a loss to get over now. I do casually pursue Alanon and know this ADHD/trauma/coping with alcohol crossection is just terribly complicated. I'm also semi dating, thus super vigilant about similarities with other potential suitors. But the core of me is still unsettled about the way I took on mothering this man, the father of my only child, only to be scapegoated and turned away from even trying to improve the situation I never knew was so gnarly.
Not sure what I'm ultimately seeking here, I'm just in a moment of mourning and wanted to reach out. Thanks adhdmarriage community.
Sending care and support
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Stressed. I can relate to your feelings in that I am fearful of my own radar, which seems to be off. I am still with my husband, but when I think about a future that may include meeting someone again, I am scared of being duped. I am scared I won't see people accurately. I am scared I might push decent people away because of my fears and vigilance. I am scared I will get lonely and allow my new, higher standards to be shaken.
I am not where you are yet, but I am trying to prepare now. I am trying to understand myself better and to be happy being alone so I won't settle. I am adamant that I won't take on someone else's problems or permanently overfunction ever again. If there are red flags of any kind, forget it. I have gotten versed on codependency so I won't try to "go along" or over-please someone else again when my needs aren't being met.
If you haven't talked to a therapist yet, maybe you could do so, even virtually, to get the answers you need. Maybe it was childhood roles or maybe you just got fooled by hyperfocus, etc. I know even a short stint of therapy helped me process my feelings about the marriage and understand why I made the choices I made.
Appreciate your feedback
Submitted by Stressed to the Max on
It appears that we have a lot of commonalities in this situation. I'm working on having self compassion instead of sinking it into someone who can't receive it. Complicating and perhaps the cause of current events being our bright 3 year old. I'm working on finding more help for myself. Never thought I would be a single mother but it's better than having a child as well as an adult dependent.
Thank you again, it's priceless to feel understood.
Struggling against things impulsively said.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Yes.
My ex husband said many things about me to others, and came out of the divorce smelling like a rose. That was back in 2011. No one knew what it was like to live with him, or what he put me through. He had two faces. One he put on for family, friends, and our children. The man I lived with and was married to for nearly 20 years was not the same person at all. I had to let it go--all the things he said about me, the picture of me he painted to others, all while not taking responsibility for his own behavior.
My only regret was not leaving him sooner.