Still trying despite lack of Trust

My bf of four years cheated on me twice. Once while drunk(although he was texting while not drunk too) and once online(he was telling her he loved her and texting her behind my back as well) we have split up and gotten back together many, many times. I keep giving him chances that he probably doesn't deserve. I feel like I am his mother more than his common law wife. He tells me he loves me and that I am his world. He says he doesn't love those other girls. He is an alcoholic and ends up drinking when he is around his brothers and seems to not be able to last a week without drinking behind my back at work. I talked to our doctor who prescribed Effexor which he has been taking to try and regulate his moods. He has a lightning quick temper and gets frustrated easily. Gives up a lot. I managed to get him to a two day training session to become a flagger. He goes for periods where he is ok and works. Other times, he seems to not want to work and ends up getting fired. His boss needs flaggers and so gives him chances too with increasing amounts of time in between 'firings'. I have a full time job and support us most of the time. When he gets angry, he has called me terrible names; later apologizing, saying he won't do it again. He always does. I try hard to not enable him; I have never tried to cover for him or lie about his drinking to anyone but I guess constantly taking him back is enabling behavior. He now has a job in the next village(7 minutes away) which I am happy about. We are low on gas due to a financial set back and his mother called me at work asking if he can spend the night to save on gas until we get more gas money to drive him back and forth after next payday. I thought he had his phone turned off and was going to check his messages at lunchtime. I asked him to not ask his mother to ask if he can spend the night anymore; that we are adults and our gas is fine for now. He blew up and got mad saying he didn't tell her to do that and he knows better to ask because the answer is always NO! He continued saying she only asked to save us gas and then said fuck you I'm giving you your cell back(I pay the bills and technically own it) and that he was leaving me and staying at his mothers. (He says this a lot when he gets mad) I have told him(previously) many times that it takes a long time to build trust back up once it's broken. He doesn't understand that I have trouble trusting him (the girl he was saying I love you to knows his mothers number and he probably has her number memorized from god knows how long he was texting and calling that girl). Many people who care about me have told me to dump him and I have considered it but end up missing the good stuff and have my own abandonment issues. The only time he seems truly happy is when he smokes pot(daily). God help me if he doesn't have pot for one day! I don't pay for his drugs because they are so expensive but will shoot him five or ten bucks here and there. I feel so stuck. Angry. And frustrated beyond belief. 

Time to let go

Regardless of how ADD comes in to play there are a lot of other issues going - sound primarily related to self-medicated for the ADD and possibly other disorders.  If you do not have children with him, or anything else tying you to him it is really worth considering making preparations to move on with out him.  From what you describe the thing really holding you back is emotional (since you are taking care of your own finances) -- are you able to get into some sort of counseling on your own?  If you don't have insurance covered counseling look at your local universities or Catholic Charity organizations (nonreligious counseling services) for sliding scale community services.  This can help you really work through what it is that you are getting from the relationship and if it is going to work for you long-term as well as abandonment issues from your past.  Good luck!

Grrr's picture

I get counselling. He doesn't.

We are split up at the moment.  I miss him so much. The good stuff. I get free counselling. I work at a health organization. I miss the good stuff. I feel like I am in competition with alcohol. And losing. 

The good stuff

You will find the good stuff at Al-anon.  Walk in a meeting.  Nothing to lose.  Some good stuff to gain. The first thing you learn is that you have no control over someone else's addictive behavior.   You have no control over anyone else.  And your life becomes unmanageable if someone else's addictions are affecting YOUR life. Go. It's not just for families/partners of alcoholics...other :"isms" too.

Grrr's picture

We are done anyway :(

We split up anyway. Five days now. He got a job in his mom's village(only five minutes away) for the next four years. He suggested he stay there to"save gas" I told him I wanted him to stay at home and live with me. All his drinking buddies and alcoholic brothers live out there and it usually ends up being trouble. Sure enough, he went out there, got paid, blew all his cash on booze and ended up with a bleeding ulcer and had to be rushed to the hospital.

He's coming to pick up the rest of his clothes after work today. I am brokenhearted and him getting this job would have meant the end of us being so broke and things looking up. I am angry beyond belief at him and I refuse to be his weekend girlfriend when we have lived together for the past four years. I have tried al-anon meetings but the nearest one is 45 minutes away. I feel used, ripped off and duped. I supported this so called man for four years off and on when he didn't feel like working. Now he gets this job and kisses me off? Like I'M the one that is so bad he doesn't want to live with? Please. Can one be sad and angry at the same time?

Stay strong, Not Understanding...

I have not tried this, but it might be worth a shot if you are at your wits end.  Al-anon online.  Long-time Al-anon people promise to help other new al-anon people get through the rough stuff.  Someone will be there to help.

Be strong.   He IS a jerk.  You are worth caring about.  People who drink instead of care are not people you want to put your trust in.  There ARE people who CARE.  FIND THEM!  Take one day at a time.  You will be OK eventually.  It is just getting through this difficult time of injustice.  it IS injustice.  Life is not fair.  When you get through this you will be stronger for the walk of getting through and finding your strengths.   You are not going to find your strengths in HIM. So please do not look for it in him. You cannot change him.  Do not give him the satisfaction that he has hurt your.  Go on with your own new business and let him go on with his.  It is hard.  Be strong. You can do this.  You will be OK.

hang in there

Dear Not, 

Hang in there. I know you are sad--four years is a long time to invest in a relationship. But honestly, I think you are better off and one day soon you will wake up and feel relieved. You have your whole life ahead of you. You will find someone who will truly be able to value and support you. Keep your friends and loved ones close. Stay busy. See a counselor if you can't make it in to Al Anon meetings. Stay strong. My best to you. 

Grrr's picture

Last time trying....

I thank you all for your support and wonderfully kind words. I have decided to try with him one more time. He hasn't contacted either of those women again. I monitor his cell usage and his mom says he hasn't used the phone at her place when he goes there for lunch.  I don't monitor him all the time; just randomlyI really feel like this is the absolute last time I am going to try to make this work. I know what all his triggers are and I am learning what makes him frustrated and avoid those areas. I KNOW that he struggles with his anger and says things he doesn't mean. Once he cools off, he always apologizes and I am a forgiving person and know that he didn't ask for ADHD and all the symptoms that come with it. I have heard that repetition and consistency are key. Can the quick temper be bettered? or will he always be quick tempered? Does any of it get better? Is he ABLE to manage his impulsivity, ever? How do I get it so he isn't losing things constantly? Is gullibility one of the symptoms? How can I get him to understand his shortcomings without hurting his feelings or making him mad/upset/depressed?