Still wondering

Ok it has been 7 days since Dh and I have begun (what I call) our in house separation.  And what a week it has been! Things started off kind of rough for me, but as I began to take control of my life things have certainly improved.

DH has decided to stop all counseling, not sure about any ADD med, and he is not really on any sort of schedule (still is up until all hours of the night) and has been drinking more than usual.  His selfish ways are making an appearance again. Yesterday for the 3 hours (total) that he was home he either aruged with my son or me, sleeping or having an outburst and leaving the house. The kids and I still had a good day together. And now today, he has managed to spend the entire day doing his own thing and the kids are with me (which is fine) but Im really feeling taken for granted.  Its just so frustrating that it was his idea to stay together and "raise the kids" but all he's managed to do is run his own agenda. 
 

Here is the strange thing, he started out the week full of energy (cleaning the house, making dinner, ect) and that by Friday night - he was taking a nap when I came home from work to pick up my daughter to go to Chuck E Cheese.  And of course he needed that nap because he stayed up drinking to late the night before - so again, he is putting his needs before everyone else. And he hasn't done a dang thing in the house since Tuesday night and seems to have no energy to do anything unless he wants to. 

And now he is like want to share with me his plans to further his career with additional industry study classes, yada yada yada - like why would I care at this point? This arrangement was his idea - so that he didn't have a marital relationship with me - just to raise the kids together.  And he wants to share what he wants to do at the gym and so forth. Just more personal information that I don't need or want to know about. When we were married we shared this type of information. Its as though he is looking for me to give him praise and encouragement - sorry dude!  And of course, he hasn't bothered to ask me (yet) how my new job is going, but wants to spout on and on about his life.  Blah!!!

In addition if I tell him that I or the kids need something he agrees. Almost like he feels good that I am coming to him with these ideas or suggestions or needs and that he is able to grant them.  Whatever!

I feel like he is sending really mixed messages to me about what he wants and I really am not interested in trying to decode his messages any longer. Unless and Until DH decides that he wants to take responsibility for his mental health and begin working toward that goal again.  At that point, if asked, I would be willing to offer a supportive hand in his efforts to heal.

I have begun reading Codependant No More - and yeah, its me. No real suprise there!  What is cool is that I can see where I was 6 months ago to where I am today and where I want to be. 

I didn't think he wanted what

I didn't think he wanted what he said he wanted a week ago, and now I'm pretty sure I was on the right track with my assumptions.

He'll be happy to let you go on this way forever, probably. A couple of things I wouldn't do. I wouldn't engage in conversation with him that is simply for his 'pleasure'. If he wants a pal to share all of his 'stuff' with, let him find someone who he isn't simultaneously destroying their life! I wouldn't let him argue with me or the son. Removing the 'marital rules' was supposed to bring peace, right? If he couldn't stop arguing, he would leave. I would always let him know that if and when he is ready to work (HARD) at putting things back together, then you'll be open to hear him out, otherwise I would make his 'new marital rules' bite him in the butt...until he was ready to admit that it isn't what he wanted. You tried to meet him in the middle...let him come meet you now.

Sorry, feeling a bit bitter tonight....going to take a lot of prayer...and a little time to dust myself off after the attack tonight...and quite shocked at my reaction...and worried that maybe I haven't forgiven things I thought I had. He told me at one point that he should have stayed gone with SD (never come home in Dec 2009) or something to that affect...and I said he could take her, (the lady he had the affair with) and his apartment he got and shove them up his a$$....and a lot of stuff about him being ungrateful for all I had endured because of SD and him. Maybe I was just hurt and responded (for a brief moment) with anger...I honestly don't know. :(

Sherri,  at times I think

Sherri,  at times I think your right (that Dh doesn't have a flippin clue about why he said what he said) but then his actions just contradict everything! If he didn't mean it then why did he quit counseling? If he didn't mean it why not just admit it? Im not being mean to him. Im not being cold. Im being very light with my tone of voice, Im answering questions, I am not hiding out in the house or running away like he does - so just WTF does he want? IDK! But yes, I agree that I will be taking a much more aggressive approach to his bad behavior - I deserve to live in peace. 

Thank you for understanding about what DH's actions has done to my life: If he wants a pal to share all of his 'stuff' with, let him find someone who he isn't simultaneously destroying their life! The problem is that he doesn't have any friends. And he doesn't want anyone to know about our status or lack thereof? Whatever.

Not my problem - and I have shared my status with my family and my friends. I need the support and I didn't get any support from him. Why should or would I give him any at this point? Just what color is the sky in his world I wonder?  Im not sure that I want to put that offer to work on our stuff if he comes around. I am really deeply wounded by his behavior and words that after 25 years and all of this crap building up for so long, that I can do that. At least not right now.

I love reading Lynn's posts and how she has moved forward with her life. It gives hope that I may arrive where she is now - peace and happiness and strength.

I have surprised myself with how I was able to recover from DH "realization" - oh it still hurts but a little bit less each day. And I am beginning to make plans with old friends for dinner and drinks, movies and ect. Which of course, DH hates. He is very suspicious of what I am doing with all of my time, but refuses to go that last questions of "who will be or who are you going with to the dinner/drinks/movie) - but its eating at him :)  Yes I do take a bit of pleasure in that! If your not attracted to me A$$hole, then what do you care who I am with? And by the way, thanks for thinking that I'd run right out and find another person

Right now I am happy that I have my kids and they are happy. Son is really irritated with DH. The last time DS and I spoke about why DH is like he is it was a positive spin about how DH was working on controlling his anger and his ADD, how DH was going to to counseling,ect. But now, everything is different - DH has broken all the rules and still has all of the bad behavior as before. I don't want to start a conversation with DS that I know will follow to him asking if DH and I are "okay" and I won't be able to answer. I know that I need to talk with DS and DD but I don't know what to say and I don't want to induce stress for them.  Plus, if DH were to leave or us to leave it would be a different envirnoment where right now DH is still around. Its tough.

The attack that you endured tonight was meant to be hurtful to you - he took aim and made contact. DH is feeling so bad about something that he wants to destroy you. I don't think that you responded badly - I think that you had every right to reply to him to take his "dream" of SD and "lady" and shove it. He was trying to control and hurt you. What did he expect you to do? Lie down and ask for more? There is a fine line between be loving and understanding and supportive and accepting abuse and cruelty.

Things will get better in time. I feel for you. ((HUGS))

Yup, I agree...again his 'new

Yup, I agree...again his 'new rules' would just have to leave him wondering just who you are going out with and where you are going. I like the way you put it better, though. LOL

I think he probably quit counseling for a reason other than not caring about the marriage. It is easier to just not go? Thinks he's got the upper hand so why bother doing what you want? Figures he's got you right where he wants you? I mean he tried to convince you and himself that HE isn't the problem...why would HE need counseling?

Just a few ideas. I think you're doing the right thing...and I am praying, all joking aside, that he starts to appreciate what he has. You're doing amazingly well...and I think you're going to better because of this, no matter how the marriage ends up. :)

Yes it is easier to not go to

Yes it is easier to not go to counseling. And yes, he does have the upper hand (for now) and yes, why do what I want. Your right - there's nothing wrong with HIM.  I almost think that he is afraid to go to counseling - like he'd hear or learn something that he doesn't want to deal with - IDK. Thanks for the ideas though.

Yes, no matter how the marriage (or sham of a one at this point) turns out I will be fine, my kids will be fine and that's all that really matters.

Sherri

Sherri, don't be rough on yourself- for heaven sake you are human and all the crap about the woman your DH had an affair with being thrown in your face was so hurtful and uncalled for by SD. Whats more, DH should have been watching after your feelings at that point- sheesh he should have had some clue! Could this be chalked up to another insensitive ADHD moment (sorry to be blunt, and do NOT mean to imply this is standard w all people who have ADHD) or just a moment of stupidity due to some other issue. Either way, it was mean and disrespectful to you. I am concerned about the meds - you and I spoke about this before and I have to say it has had a devastating effect on my DH. Those of you will remember my last posts when I talked about his increasing physicality and aggression? This week he stopped one of the meds and can I say, what a huge difference to his behavior. Am still, of course being careful and watchful, and its not like he is 100% symptom free BUT so much of the anger is gone! And though his focus has been affected, he is noticeably nicer (almost afraid to believe it). I want to see what this next week brings again, but am amazed at how his behavior can be so different and concurrent with his stopping this medication. Fingers crossed, but still trying to maintain loving detachment. In any case, sending my thoughts of posituve energy and support to you. I admire your sensitivity, articulate thoughts, and strong boundary making abilities Sherri, please continue to have faith in yourself as you inspire so many of us in this forum... !

The meds have changed him. No

The meds have changed him. No ifs, ands, or buts...they have changed him into a different person. Some things I'm trying to learn to live with and others (like his moodiness today) I just am not sure I can. I haven't asked him to stop them, but he did offer a few weeks ago to go off of them if I wanted him to. I am beginning to fear more 'surprises' like tonight.

The fact that they have completely taken his sense of humor...his fun...and even now, as time goes on, his energy (we rarely go anywhere or do anything on the weekends anymore)...how could they be worth it to him? Also, something else that I was hoping would subside, with time, is that they are making him the typical "all about me" ADHDer I've read about so many times. He wasn't always that way, but he choses the topic of almost every conversation, isn't interested in any kind of input from anyone, and for some reason it takes him 30 minutes to get 5 minutes worth of information out. He stalls...he zones out...he starts the same sentence 3 or 4 times before finally getting started, and uses a lot of 'filler words' like "basically" and such. It is like conversation is painful for him, and having someone else engage with him makes it impossible for him, frustrates him, and he gets mad. I do a lot of 'listening' now. :-(

So try to get him off this

So try to get him off this CRAP. There are too many alternatives especially when all your flags are waving RED, RED. That is what I feel anyway. Any chance of talking to the prescribing psychiatrist?

The meds have changed him,

The meds have changed him, and I really would like for him to stop taking them, but I know he wants to take the easy way out (not have to go through any trouble to get his meds switched...it is a process that takes anywhere from 4 days to 2 weeks..a lifetime to him and his impatience) and just keep taking them and thinking he can get control over all of this stuff.

I guess I had a mental block last night, but first thing this morning (after awakening suddenly from a dream I had about him cheating on me!) I remembered him telling me last night that I made him sick. He advised me to get out of the bedroom that very minute that he was mad and that I made him sick! He told me that it wasn't WHAT I asked, it was how I asked and the ugly comments I mad about SD. There is no 'right' way to ask things pertaining to SD, it is a roll of the dice as to whether it will make him mad or not. This isn't about meds or ADHD, this is about him STILL seeing me as the "wrong" one and the one who needs to 'be the adult' and my marriage will not survive if he expects anything of the sort because I have done all I care to do and have nothing left to give right now. I respect that he might not be able to accept that, I realize she is his daughter...but I hope in the end he can respect why I CAN'T accept his feeling like I am the one in the wrong.

As I said, I would NEVER make him choose me over his daughter...I feel there are ways we can all live in the same town peacefully, but I REFUSE to take the "monster" role again. I do the best I can, her pain and inconsiderate behaviors are never ending...if he can look past it, I am happy for him..and her, she needs someone to love her that way..but I can't. I'm doing the best I can for now. It is devastating to know that a situation I thought we had found some middle ground on...well, apparently we haven't. Almost 2 years we've agreed to disagree and haven't had issues over her. We were able to discuss and compromise on most situations with her that arose. Now I make him sick. I don't want to be married to someone who would even think that, much less say it...and feel it. No matter how crappy he felt my approach was, there is no excuse for his reaction. This isn't meds...this isn't ADHD...this is just how he is when it comes to SD. Her feelings will always matter more than mine. Look at how he treated me when I simply asked him to set a limit on how much we gave her...for a few groceries. I don't think I want to stick around and see what the future is like because I am sure it will only get worse. She wanted OUT. She NEVER followed the rules. She NEVER did what I asked. She ALWAYS did what she was told not to do. She lived for the day she turned 18 and could leave. This is what she wanted. I would never deny any human being food or a roof over their heads, but what we have to give is very limited. Why did he 'go there' and immediately consider me a horrible person who makes him sick for just asking for a compromise on the amount we spent? Nevermind, I know the answer to this age old question...because he loves her and I am still the enemy.

Oh, and the worst thing I remember saying (he said I made ugly comments about her) about her was that I did not want to take her myself (he suggested it) to the grocery store, would rather give a GC. He said "of course you don't, you don't want anything to do with her" and I asked him why I would want anything to do with someone who was so ugly to me, him, and our daughter. He denies that the naming of the place the "woman" works was intentional. When he denies things like that, all I can feel is really sorry for him that he would be in such denial. SD was the one who told me where she worked, where it was, what city she worked in, etc. The look on her face when she said it told me all I needed to hear. BUT..I didn't get mad. I didn't even acknowledge her comment. I went on smiling and enjoying dinner. I know it hurts him....to think she would be that ugly. I GET ALL OF THAT. I get how painful it is to him...why doesn't he get how painful it is to me to be made out to be the bad guy? I feel very sorry for him because of the way she acts....until he acts like I am the one with the problem. Then I just see him in a completely different light. That isn't love....not for either of us. Denying the real issue isn't doing her any good....and accusing me of being the problem is going to cost him everything.

I thought that it would be the ADHD that would get us in the end...if anything did, but I honestly thought we could beat it. He did a really good job of masking this issue for almost 2 years now. I guess his outburst last night was God's way of letting me know where I truly stand in his heart.

I don't know why your DH is

I don't know why your DH is acting this way. It is really been blown out of portion by DH. And I think your right, the meds aren't the full answer here. 

I really feel that you mean it when you say: Denying the real issue isn't doing her any good....and accusing me of being the problem is going to cost him everything.

Have you contacted your counselor yet? I think that you need a session to be able to process all that has happened from that attack. Its not fair that he is able to dump all of this on you and walk away. Sherri, take some time for yourself today. Spend sometime with friends that will make you laugh. Go to the park with your kids, or talk a long walk alone and appreciate all that God has given us. Do something that will make you feel good and not related to DH - just SHERRI.

((HUGS)) I will be praying for you. And remember, go out and smile and make it a great day for you!

I thought about calling our

I thought about calling our counselor...but I want to try and deal with the overwhelming emotions of this on my own. I'm not doing very well, but I am trying. I want to go somewhere, but there is nowhere to go and the wind is blowing really badly. I hate being out in the cold, especially when it is windy. I took a shower and feel a little better.

I prayed...and I asked God for just this once let him come to me. Let him come and say he's sorry and not make me be the one to break the ice. I don't typically care, don't have an ego about it, I can at least say "I love you" even if I am mad at him and open the lines of communication, but I just need him to come to me this time. I just need that...

I really pride myself on putting myself in his shoes...and being able to think outside of my own hurt and frustration. I've tried all morning to look at it from many different angles. The most important, and hurtful, aspect was his reaction. Why did he react so horribly? Thinking back, it has only been more like a year..14 months..that we've been mostly on the same page. I try and stay neutral and compromise with each situation so that he feels he's doing his job as her father and so that it doesn't harm the rest of the family...and he has acknowledged that my feelings are justified, although he wishes things were different. That's one point. 

Another point is that she has had a very 'dramatic' week...always is dramatic around her birthday and Christmas (anytime she expects to be made over and given presents) and somehow things NEVER seem to go her way. Always complains. Always ends up crying and feelings hurt. She called him last week crying that her mother didn't care about her because she couldn't get off of work for her birthday. Basically said that no one cared about her but him. Imagine how this makes someone with ADHD feel...especially knowing that she and I don't get along. Can I just point out that her feelings about me are 1000 times worse than what I feel about her?...she HATES me...but he lives in denial about this and still feels, I think, that things could be different if I were to just be different. IT DOESN'T WORK. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT...BURNED THE T-SHIRT. I TRIED! :-(

Anyway, my point is that I'm wondering if he isn't feeling overwhelmed by her drama. He feels very sorry for her, although most people realize it is just todays drama and will be forgotten tomorrow. She played the ultimate card...the one that she KNEW would slice him to the core...be the quickest way to his guilty conscious and his wallet.."if it weren't for my mom I would have surely starved to death by now". Her comment infuriated me FOR HIM. HOW RUDE and INCONSIDERATE can she be to say that to her father?!I feel bad FOR HIM and his feelings on the situation are he feels bad for her and I get the blame for it because I want to very fairly limit what we spend! He wants to be the knight in shining armor and make himself feel better because she knew just exactly what to say to hurt him and envoke his guilt. There isn't a member of her family that isn't a master of the 'manipulation through guilt' game. I tried explaining that I struggle to get along with her because of the way she treats him and our daughter, but I'm still the bad guy. She got mad at him the last time she was here because of what we got our daughter for Christmas...but she asked for a tattoo...so that is what she got. I think she is just wearing him down and his feelings of insecurity and guilt are really getting to him. She's brilliant at it and he just isn't in a place to see it for what it is and be strong. He does much better than he used to, but this weekend was proof that maybe it is only because of lack of contact with her and not necessarily anything he's been able to see or change within himself. Leaves a lot of room for me to be concerned if she were to ever have to live with us again....we'd probably be right back to square one. Our marriage REALLY took off and got better when she moved out. Sadly.

I feel like he is overwhelmed. I feel like she dumped a big heaping pile of crap on him this week, way more drama than normal, and he's probably feeling more like I let HIM down than her. I'm trying so hard to understand and sympathize with him. His reaction is on his shoulders and he really needs to step up and explain to me why he said what he said and making things right between us again. She isn't going away...and I'm praying for her and for us...I'm doing all I can. It is pretty much up to him. I hate that we don't have counseling until Friday.

Thank you for reading and responding...I'm feeling very sad and alone right now. I am just overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings...I can't even sort through them all.

sullygrl's picture

Why do you want to do this on your own?

Sherri - why on earth do you want to process all this excess emotional tidal wave yourself? It seems as though you are the one doing all of the understanding, the praying, the thinking, the planning, the processing, the reaching out and now you are adding your SD's drama to the equation and she is manipulating him by his purse strings and you are trying to be reasonable about what you can and can't, and maybe should and should not, give her. If she wanted to be out on her own, this is part of it. You don't get everything. People don't take your birthday off. People don't go grocery shopping for you. You are lucky if you get some help with paying for groceries and especially frivolous expensive items like tattoos...

I really think it might help to talk to your counselor about why you keep trying to understand and absorb stuff that isn't yours. I think you are really terrific about being understanding and putting yourself in someone else's shoes and a whole lot of other things that have opened the doors for communication and understanding in your house, but it's still a 2-way hallway. He needs to step up some too. Yes, it might take effort for your husband to change medications (been there, done that on different, but equally difficult medications). But he should be making that effort if the current set are making him overly cranky. How is THAT going to help you? So if your husband is going to dump all this stuff on you, including his daughter's stuff, you need to be able to "dump it" somewhere safe as well. And that's what your counselor is for...

I called our counselor, I

I called our counselor, I might get to see her tomorrow at 11, but if not then our appt is Thurs at 11, it'll have to wait.

I am trying to stop jumping the gun and thinking that every issue that comes up has to be resolved RIGHT NOW and calling our counselor in a panic. At some point, we have to learn to deal with things ourselves. Prollie too early for that...well, obviously.

I try and understand him and where he's coming from (I know the lashing out means he's either overwhelmed or hurt) because I do care. I feel 100% that how he responded was wrong and hurtful and I am praying an apology and explaination is forthcoming. I do feel I am better at putting myself in his shoes and seeing things from his point of view, but he does meet me in the middle more often than not. I want to be someone "I" can be proud of regardless of what he or anyone else does or doesn't do. I can see your point, and maybe you're right, maybe I'm trying to 'think' too hard for him. He needs to learn to deal with his marriage and his adult daughter and find a peaceful middle ground. Most importantly, he needs to stop trying to impose his way of thinking and feeling on me. I am my own person with my own (very valid) reasons to keep a peaceful but considerate distance between myself and SD. He will acknowledge all of our sacrifices..all of the times I've tried and how hard I've tried and all I've given...most of the time. Right now, I just needed to understand why that seems to have just fallen off of his radar. I guess I'm doing what I do best...analyzing the hell out of everything and trying to answer the "whys".

I just need his respect....respect for my own personal choices in relationships and respect for my feelings when it comes to SD and why I feel like I do. I need him to stop trying to force a square peg into a round hole. He has a relationship with her ONLY because he IGNORES MANY MANY things and loves her unconditionally. That does not come easy and it only comes for him because he is her father. If she were anyone else, he'd have nothing to do with her. Ironically, I have a nephew that is pretty much like a son to me, same scenario...not 'biologically' his (like SD isn't  biologically mine) but I love him like a son (like he loves SD) and they are either hot and cold. My husband gets furious at him and washes his hands of him over things like borrowing a putty knife. I accept it. I respect it. I don't understand it, but I'm done dictating how he should feel and trying to keep the peace. Whatever. I would hate to see how he felt about him if he treated DH the way SD treats me.

Your first paragraph is exactly how I feel...I agree 100%...I try and be reasonable because respect the fact that he is her father. Period. She guilts him and manipulates him and uses him and I know this..but as long as he still wants to do for her, I try and accomodate that. Do I think she's starving...NO. Do I think she's blowing her money and not paying her bills..YES. Would I still be willing to give $25 here and there for her some groceries...YES...because I love him and it would be one less thing he would have to worry about. He believes that she's starving. He feels like he's letting her down when she cries and claims she's got it so hard in life. It ALWAYS ends up being untrue...but to him, it is what it is.

I think I have thought about this too much...and I'm putting it behind me and leaving it for counseling. This too shall pass? LOL B.R.E.A.T.H.I.N.G....

My guess is that he will pretend it didn't happen

My experience, from dealing with ADHD daughter and grandson, and husband (not biologically related) is that your DH will come home from work tonight like "Hi, Honey, what's for dinner?" and think everything is fine. That makes it SO difficult to solve any issues with them permanently.

Your SD sounds like my daughter. She used grandson, whom I love dearly, to get me to pay her bills, etc. "You wouldn't want D____ to not have food (or electricity or water or whatever) would you?" Best of luck dealing with all of this. 

Hugs to you. I admire you for being strong and self-aware.

He used to be like that,

He used to be like that, Sueann, wanted to pretend nothing was wrong 10 minutes after a huge fight...but not now. He really gets thrown into a whirlwind when we fight (just like me) and cannot function. I sympathize, since it is how I feel as well sometimes, and I try for this very reason to resolve and at least make peace with issues as quickly as possible...but the main issue there is that he's lost his ability to apologize and acknowledge like he used to. Yay. Did I mention I hate his meds?

He is not having a good day...not at all...but makes no effort to communicate and resolve things. Maybe he will this evening. ???

Her mother had this same pattern (still does with her 90 y/o grandmother) of using SD to guilt people into paying her bills, cleaning her house, doing her laundry, buying her food, etc. She was an able bodied 30 something y/o woman but couldn't hold a job and take care of a rat. After she lost custody, mostly everyone cut her off. They are REALLY good at convincing people that the world will end if they don't give them the last dime they have or the last piece of bread on their plate. Always wear name brand only clothes, jewelry from head to toe, expensive make-up, purses, and shoes though. I think she is the sorry, good for nothing loser today because NO ONE made her stand on her own (still doesn't, mooches off of everyone) and most people didn't cut her off until we got custody of SD..when she was mid-30's? I really think if SD stands a chance, she'll have to be made to stand on her own. Everyone is picking up her slack already...probably even my husband...but he doesn't know that she's giving everyone the same sob story...and I can't tell him because I'm not supposed to know. (someone in her family told me a few weeks ago)

Sherri

Sherri; I don't have any advice for you. I feel your pain and hope you can work things out. I can't help but notice in your posts, and most other non-ADDers here, how much time and energy we spend analyzing, worrying, second-guessing our reactions, etc. I was always like that too. Then I started wondering if my husband even gave a moments reflection to all of our fights. We could fight horribly all evening, and I'd lie awake all night, upset, replaying the whole thing. He'd fall asleep in minutes and sleep like a baby all night. By the next day, he'd act like we never had a fight.  He once told me "I don't love you anymore and don't think I can ever love you again". He forgot he ever said it...never said he didn't mean it, just said that he never said it. Like anyone could ever forget that? I still can't, and it was years ago.

Now that we are sort of back together, I've tried discussing some of the old problems; he has no recollection of things that are burned into my memory forever. I have to tread very lightly discussing the past with him but I think I will never get closure on why he was like he was (that makes me worry about any future with him). I don't know where this ramble is going, if anywhere; do you think your husband ever sits down and thinks about the fights you have? Or does he forget them (except maybe for the bad feelings they leave)?

He used to be like that...and

He used to be like that...and I wanted to punch him in his sleep. I'm worried sick, cannot sleep, stressed as hell...and he's snoring.

He pretty much is affected the same as I am, as far as I can tell. He will say he hates fighting and doesn't want to fight. He doesn't sleep well (I know cause I'm awake half the night sometimes) and it does bother him and eat at him. He NEVER forgets anything...at least not what was said. He might hear things wrong sometimes, but he never forgets something I said or things that happen during a fight.

We both know it is crunch time...we have to get this marriage right this time or it just isn't going to end the way we want...I guess that is why we're both so emotionally invested in it now. Before we just took for granted that it would be there...tomorrow...

If there is no accountability for the way things were, then that might indicate that they'll be that way again...you're definitely wise to consider that possibility.

Also....it is possible that

Also....it is possible that if you eliminate the 'big' reasons for conflict in the marriage (i.e. keep the finances separate, have him pay you X amt for 'rent', etc) and since the kids are grown and gone (right?) maybe it won't be as big of an issue as it was before. If you're fighting less, that is less to deal with.

sullygrl's picture

Sherri I am so glad

I'm so glad you made that call...it's not healthy to take so much on yourself. I understand you are trying to be the best YOU that you can be, and I think that you are well on your way (I read your posts and think, what a witch I am, I can't give my husband the same kindness and trying to see things from his point of view as you do).

Yes, breathe! Have tea! Or chocolate! Or both!

Sherri How are you today? Did

Sherri How are you today? Did things go better with DH last night? Thinking and praying for you.

No resolution and no apology

No resolution and no apology from him. I did apologize for the ugly things I said the night I said them. We are not fighting about it anymore. I guess we will have to resolve it, like everything else, in counseling. Sometimes it just seems there aren't enough hours in the week or isn't enough money in the bank to cover the counseling we need.

He had a very bad day at work he said, and we talked a little about it. He has always complained about work, it always winds him up so tight that I fear he'll just start spinning one day and not stop, but lately it has just gotten to the point that I am REALLY concerned that he'll lose his job/quit. Our counselor told me once not to worry about his rantings about work, that to me what seemed like chaos and despair was just normal to him...but it is just different now. When I tried to point out to him that his negative emotions (anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, worry, stress, guilt) were all I saw anymore, they had completely taken him over..no joy, no laughter, no fun..he accused me of trying to "diagnose everyone else" to avoid taking any blame. In my world, one has nothing to do with the other. Even when we aren't fighting and things are good between us, I still see the same thing...he's wound up tighter than Dick's hat band. The meds have changed him, he doesn't see it, and any attempt I make to try and point it out is met with the accusation that I'm just deflecting blame. I guess my timing made it easy for him to say I was using it as an excuse to blame him for everything involving the fight we had the other night. Reality was, it had nothing to do with that (I don't even think his reaction and defending SD are ADHD related) and everything to do with the man I see before me, day-in and day-out. I asked him "what do I have to gain by telling you that the meds have changed you?" The ONLY possible thing I could EVER gain would be the $62/mo his prescription costs us...and not in my wildest dream of dreams would I ever let $62 come between him and his mental well being. If I thought they helped, I'd sell a kidney to buy them for him. It is just stupefying to me how he cannot see what they have done to him. Beyond my comprehension. Scary. Sad.

None the less, I love him dearly...and he is a good man who needs my support and who is, most of the time, a very kind and loving husband. I'm holding my tongue until counseling and then praying we make some progress. The only two things I need right now are his acknowledgment for his part in our issues...and to see progress. Yesterday was a horrible day and when I have those days I literally don't feel like I have an ounce of fight left in me. If my approach was wrong, tell me. If something I said was hurtful, say 'hey, that hurts'. Otherwise, the rest is on him...and I'm praying our counselor can help us get to the bottom of what happened...because I won't go back to living that life. Our marriage is between me and him. Not me, him, and SD. He made it about me, him, and SD the other night..just like in the past..and I can't do that again. I won't. For now, I will wait until counseling and pray. If I did something wrong, I hope she can help me see it. I hope she can help us both see what went so terribly wrong.

Thank you for asking. I'm actually making a doctor's appt soon and getting evaulated for some hormone/emotional issues I'm feeling lately. I am used to PMS and being a grouch, but I'm not used to the overwhelming days like yesterday where I literally cannot function and just want to leave everything behind and run away from my life. I feel like I have lost the husband I once knew to a pill that doesn't really help him....and either I am becoming more hormonal with age or I am simply just depressed. Either way, I need help. I will discuss it with our counselor too.

Glad that you are taking care of you!

Sherrie, What a positive move on your part! I personally don't believe that your causing DH moods - more like the other way around.  But I love that your being proactive about taking charge to see if there is something that maybe contributing to how YOU are feeling and that you contacted your counselor even though you want to understand this issue on your own.  You and DH normally have strong communication skills so that is a huge plus and you are both willing and working hard in counseling another huge plus.  Progress is slow; but slow and steady win the race :) I understand how hard it is to want to work on things and get them sorted out, deal with them and put them away.

Hang in there, keep praying things will be okay.

((HUGS))

sullygrl's picture

How long?

I wonder how long are you planning on having this in-house separation? So far it has been a week and he is already not interacting with the kids, which I assume would be a BIG reason to agree to this in the first place. He is drinking and then sleeping and then still trying to engage you in a "couples" conversation. Yep, those are some mixed signals all right! If he is not really interacting with the kids in a healthy way, what is the point of this kind of arrangement?

Sullygirl, the biggest reason

Sullygirl, the biggest reason for me agreeing to this arrangement so far is that I do not trust him with the kids. At least when I am physically here I can step in and stop whatever bad behavior he is exhibiting - if we separate/divorce I lose that control - which is about all that I have right now. 

And I'm okay with him not interacting with the kids (his loss) but I worry about his negative moods/behavior.

And yes, I have received nothing but mixed messages from him - guess what was brought home today? Yep, a dozen red roses. Supposedly they were for my daughter and I to share - WTF?

 

sullygrl's picture

Oh my

And mine wants to work on our marriage - guess what I got for valentine's Day? Nothing.....

If there was a way to actually see what was going on in their heads, THAT would be the best invention ever.

My first thought after

My first thought after reading your post is that even though you two have decided to live under the same roof to raise the kids together, since your lives are no longer flattened don't you still need a "custody agreement" just like you would have if one of you moved out. Who takes the kids when and what is included that day. All day of taking care of the children or does the shift stop at dinner, etc. Have you sorted those things out? How did you work out the other practical things? Do you share the whole fridge with food or do you buy separately? Your husband still has ADD, the marriage wasn't what caused ADD it's there even now when he lost the only person who bothered to keep his head above the water. Without you "even caring" I feel very confident guessing that his whole daily routine has collapsed. In the beginning he was very driven by the change and he probably wanted to prove one or two things but going from being semi-productive (which is ADD default) to hyper robot house maid over night would have me in a sleeping coma for a week. That would crash my ADD brain that can barely keep track of my body instincts such as "toilet time" and "I'm hungry" (and they both come with body alarms).

The advice I want to give you from an ADD point of view is to work out a clear routine with the children first of all, then the house. It needs to be clear not just "Monday - kids". It needs to have an hour that it starts and ends, and everything that it includes (driving to and from school, brushing teeth, homework, dinner etc) and maybe an extra blank for the unknown such as birthday party (shopping for gift). Push the thought away about how silly it is that you'd even have to do this when he chose to end the marriage. Why do you still have to be a part of this ADD mess. Think instead that you're doing it for you, because you are, you need to know when and where you should do things now that you are a "single mom". The over descriptive part is also for you as you have something to point to when your husband doesn't do enough. Your husband will have something to always lean on so he can control his situation. Hopefully he'll answer to routines quick enough for his drinking to go down.

The more clear, exact instructions I get as someone with ADD, the smoother I will complete the task. I am a smart, independent woman but too many question marks in a task makes me really insecure. I am yet to understand why but in a group of other ADD women where I am a member we could all see that this was a huge common problem. 

I'm so happy for you, that you can see the future and that it feels doable! Life can be so awesome and you deserve nothing but awesome.

Great advice - thank you. It

Great advice - thank you. It is very helpful having a different point of view and one from an ADD viewpoint is even better :)

Dh made that decision to stay together in the house - I have agreed for the time being. I have an exteremly part time job ($75.00 week before taxes) and so I have little resources since I am a stay at home mom for the last 8 years. I have worked part time temp jobs for the last 3 but have always had to leave to care of the kids during summer break, they were sick too much (emplolyer unhappy with that),ect.  So yes, I have agreed to this point to stay here but it is by no means a lifelong decision.

DH will only do what he wants when he wants - list or not. He doesn't bother with the kids homework, dr appts, shopping for needed items (ect.) because he has never before and doesn't want to. Ex. of the  Chuck E Cheese night last week and "He didn't feel like doing Chuck E Cheese" so he wasn't going to bring our daughter to the event planned by a 3rd party - (I was working) but took her the last 30 mins and we had fun.  But if it isn't interesting to him forget it.

I have tried lists, I have tried calendars - all work for a few days. Usually until the calendar needs to be updated and if I don't do that then he doesn't want to and it doesn't happen. And even if something is on the calendar or the list - if he doesn't want to do it he just ignors it.  He has no respect for my time and therefore doesn't really care what my day consists of.

Dh doesn't want to talk about a custody, or separation agreement...just leave everything the same as always (except for us). Oh yeah, and that he is changing the on line bank accounts without me knowing (or so he thought) and sending everything to his personal email.

I do not have the slightest idea of how to get out of this mess that Im in - but I know that I must.  There is no reason for me to live like this forever. Again, my main worry is how he would be with the kids when Im not around. That is really what is holding me back. I could careless about anything else. As long as my kids and I are safe and healthy the external stuff is just fluff. I know I won't live in as nice of a home (but a home without tension, chaos, and outbursts sound a whole lot nicer) I know that I will have to figure out how to work full time and still take care of sick kids (but somehow that will have to work out- I have faith in God) and as for future financial stability - well that is a long road that I know I am not currently ready for and is one thing that I will now have to take care of for myself.

Basically, DH has forced this situtation. He has given up on all treatment and left me hanging. So it is time for me to get a grip, not let all his drama and mixed signals blind my path to my future. It will be a long a rough road, but I know I will make it and better happier and a better person.

"DH will only do what he

"DH will only do what he wants when he wants - list or not. He doesn't bother with the kids homework, dr appts, shopping for needed items (ect.) because he has never before and doesn't want to."

That was also true of my ex. He demanded every weekend visitation with the kids when we divorced.  He moved 250 miles away, so he didn't have anywhere local to stay, so, for the sake of the kids, I let him stay here on weekends. What a mistake. He treated it like a spa weekend; I got to take care of him along with the kids. After a while I got so mad that I told him he HAD to take the kids out of the house for his 'weekend visitations'. SO he'd take them to stay with my mother (who lived about 2 miles away)! Of course he still did nothing for them, so my mother had to do all the cooking and cleaning. I constantly got calls from the kids that they were hungry, or bored, or dad was asleep and wouldn't take them anywhere. I don't know what he was thinking; if he couldn't even figure out that his kids need to eat once in a while, what business did he have taking them, even for a weekends??

Now they are older and don't need him, so they all get along well (he's a great playmate, but not much of a father). My mother died, so he's back to staying here. I've imposed some serious rules about him contributing if he wants to stay here, and so far it's working.

Lynn that's what my DH used

Lynn that's what my DH used to do! On those rare occassions that I'd be gone for a day or (gasp!) over night, he would take the kids and go to his mom's-where she would cook and take care of ALL of them. She loves this kind of thing so it worked.  But DH has now pretty much cut off communication with them (very limited contact in comparision to prior years).

And also, DH will not fed the kids unless HE is hungry.  He believes that people only need to eat once a day and that should be enough....unless he's hungry later on

One child has sever food allergies and DH doesn't feel that the allerigies are important. He doesn't bother to check ingrd - he goes by what HE thinks should be okay. Yes, the child has ended up in the ER because of HIS lack of interest in getting "safe" food.

DH CAN be a great playmate (when it is of interest to him) but when it comes to the adult/dad figure he just isn't interested in all of hard work that goes with it.

Kippei

You wrote: "The more clear, exact instructions I get as someone with ADD, the smoother I will complete the task. I am a smart, independent woman but too many question marks in a task makes me really insecure."

The problem is that kids don't come with instructions. There are constant emergencies (like they forgot to tell you that they need snacks for 30 kids for a party at school today); to be a good parent means being on the ball 24/7. My husband couldn't follow the simplest routine, like helping with nightly homework, or getting them to brush their teeth. Anything unusual (which is most things with kids) was out of the question for him. One time our son cut his thumb; my husband would have dithered with indecision until the kid bled to death; I insisted he go right in to the doctor. I can't understand how he thought he could actually take care of even 10-12 year old kids by himself, even for a weekend.   

I am sorry for that, that he

I am sorry for that, that he feels unreliable to you. I understand your husband though and I hope you don't take it as I am on his "side" or defending him. With kids I think several ADD symptoms are combining.

Simple daily routines such as brushing teeth: Not being able to "start a project". This symptom is not put very well into words, every book and website keep calling it task or project making it sound like it has to be work related or a PROJECT project. This means being unable to start anything that isn't what I am already doing. Whether it being having to pee or write a thesis is irrelevant.

Emergencies: Not being able to make his own decisions (self-esteem issue mostly), not being able to make a list of priority (in what order is what supposed to be done, WHEN do I pick up the thumb?), managing to focus and control the ADD during stress. Unrelated ADD "symptoms": fear, shock, how does he handle crisis over all (most people freeze), reaction to blood, sensitivity to stress.

But again, I understand you the most, being a parent does take exactly what you say. I guess what I am just trying to say with children is that ADD is always active.. it doesn't care if it's your child or the garbage that needs to be taken out.

With less unpredictable things though I think that very clear instructions might give very good results. Just deal with small things, removing stress a tiny thing at a time is very rewarding even though it might not seem so. So it could be worth a try?

My DH would rather not take

My DH would rather not take the child to the ER - is it boring and takes too much time and is expensive - Well yeah! I don't remember being told that having kids would be ALL fun and games.  He isn't able to determine when the issue is an emergency-so to him, nothing is an emergency and he walks away.  We have had this "dance" SOOO many times!  Out of the 14 years I have taken a child to the ER or Urgent Care only ONCE when they probably could have waited until the next morning. ONLY ONCE!  Each and everytime DH says he/she doesn't need to go, their fine. You just need to calm down. Their fine. Don't bring them in.  Honest to God, if I had listened to him at any  time over the past 14 years one of my child would have died - literally.  And still, he does not "get" how serious things can be. DH thinks that we all just need to be more healthy - whatever that means!

And day to day activities are pretty straight forward.  Everyone knows to brush their teeth at bedtime (DH is able to do this himself without a reminder), kids have homework (M-F) you just need to ask the question. Meals - food is multiple times a day. He remembers to eat when he wants food - but hit or miss if the kids request food.  All of these things are common, without a lot of question of how to complete.

And yes, kids do not come with instruction (unlike taking out the garbage) I had to learn how to figure out what actions to take. DH had the same opportunities to learn right along with me. He CHOOSE not to.  He lives in denial - he claims that he didn't know that both of our kids have asthma - "no way, when did that happen? You must be wrong. Both kids don't have asthma - you are making more over this than needed." Yeah, for 14 years I have made up this medical condition that has been treated through the years with an Allergist to try and control the asthma and reduce the need for medicine - yeah that sounds like fun! NOT!  But DH refuses to listen to anything about medicial conditions, food allergies, school work or issues, kids schedules, kids friends, what kind of TV shows and video games the kids are allowed to play/view, the list goes on and on.

My point is this, I don't really believe that it is all ADD - I believe that he makes (still to this day) the choice to stay un invovled in a parental role. Yes, I have been the facilitator for his to be able to do this. However, I have consistently offered, shows, begged him to learn about these things.  If I hadn't been here my child would not be registered for high school if I had not been here. DH was more interested in snowmobiling than what his child should chose for classes. DH consistently puts his wants and needs before all and everyone else. That is a choice not all ADD. 

Bottom line is this: my children's very lives are at risk with him being the sole caregiver. It is hard to admit that, it breaks my heart to know that DH isn't capable of caring for his own kids. But it is what it is - reality.  

Kippi, I appreciate your thoughts and opinions. But at least in my case, the ADD isn't the whole answer and DH needs to accept the responsiblity of fatherhood.

 

Lonelywife

Are you sure we don't have the same husband?? For mine, also, emergencies are just TOO BORING to deal with. He doesn't freeze or get upset; he shrugs and thinks if he ignores it, it will all get better on it's own. At first I thought he was just calm and cool in an emergency, but later I realized that he just didn't really care very much how it came out. If the kid was still bleeding tomorrow, maybe he'd consider doing something about it. That philosophy just didn't work for me!

I feared to leave my kids with their father when they were young. One time I was shopping, came home, and found him making himself a sandwich. The kids were standing there, watching, obviously hungry. I asked if he was going to make anything for them. He just said "no" and wandered off with his sandwich. Sheesh. Our son has ADD, and that is the one area where my ex is a pretty good parent. He tries hard to teach our son 'coping strategies'; it's enlightening to listen to these lessons. My ex can actually manage quite well in the real world, which makes me even madder that he didn't try very hard with me.

Lynn, LOL to sharing the

Lynn,

LOL to sharing the same DH!

My DH just can't get past his own wants/needs to see what others need and he has no interest in doing so.  Are you sure that youre exDH is doing so well in his day to day life? The reason I ask is this; since DH has pretty much cut me out of his life I don't have a clue how he is doing at work, what his schedule is for eating and sleeping,ect to really know how he is coping. While I think that he is just keeping his head above water I feel that its a tippy boat.

Just wanted to put that out there since I know you are thinking about moving DH back into the house. So from the limited contact I have with DH it appears that he is doing OK - but is that just the surface? What happens when you are spending more and more time together? I wish you all the best, but more so I wish that you are safe :)