Thank you in advance for reading this. I am having a real hard time with marriage. My husband has anxiety and takes medication for it. I also think he has ADHD, but he argues that it doesn't exist. Please let me know if you agree with me. He makes NO plans at all with life with me. The only things he mentions are things he likes to do, fishing and watching movies. As far as planning for kids, I do All of it.
He also does not keep track of time and what is suppose to happen. For example, on Saturday the kids asked to watch a movie. He started a movie at 6pm (dinner time), and then went down stairs to get pop corn. I responded by saying "oh, we can't eat pop corn right now because it's dinner time." He responded with..." I'm a grown up, I eat what I want." In front of the kids. If I hadn't said anything, he would have given the kids pop corn for dinner. Then he proceeded to say "you don't set the standards." My daughter, of course, being a child would rather eat pop corn and just watch a movie without stopping to eat dinner. She proceeded to say to Dad "it's not a question, ok dad, just start the movie now." When my daughter dismissed me, I saw that my life was going to be hell with them.
I was mad because of the disrespect from my husband and the attitude toward me that he is teaching my kids. I can't understand why someone would act like such a child and not know his impact on the family dynamics.
When I tried to talk to him afterwards, he blamed me for "the only one worried about it", and being a "grump"/bitch. He had no idea what I was even talking about. He had no idea the impact on my daughter in the future.
Life with him is random chaotic and stressful. I can't carry a conversation with him without distractions or randomness. Never mind making life decisions. He sees me as a nag...and in a way, I feel like one because he puts me in a position to have to remind everyone. It gets old!!!
thanks for letting me rant. My husband is "too good" to leave, but "too bad" to stay.
Research Help
Submitted by kellyj on
Look up these topics and see if they help narrow some of his behaviors down. I know these apply to my ADHD and they are ones that I am currently trying to work on to improve my own relationship. If he has ADHD...they may help you understand why he does what he does but he will have to accept responsibility for anything that is related to him and not use them as an excuse first.
Inattentional Deafness, Visual Learning in context vs Sequential Learning, Disassociation as a defense mechanism, Extroversion vs Introversion, Echart Tolle: People's personal story
I have the same situation
Submitted by MFrances on
I have the same situation with my husband. It's so hard when the spouse does not see the impact of his behavior on his family. Two books I read that really helped when we were first considering it might be ADHD is "is it you, me, or adult ADD" and "Your Life Can be Better". One of the books has a story from a person with ADHD that says you (as the ADHD person) cannot comprehend how your anger affects those around you, so when your wife says the anger negatively impacts her, just believe her because no matter what you do you will not see it. I told my husband that and it finally clicked for him. Not that it's still not a hard long road to take. I know how you feel about your kids, my husband always so "I forgot" and that means Oh well I forgot no big deal. So now my son says I forgot (to bring my dishes in or whatever) so I have to de-program him and say that saying I forgot is not an excuse for not doing something. They see their dad getting away with things with stupid excuses and they think they can too because they don't understand that he has ADHD. And honestly, even with the ADHD some things are still not acceptable. It is not Ok to be so angry or to say you forgot but then not do it or not try to remember things. Other people with ADHD can form strategies to remember things and to control their anger and to pay attention to others, etc.
I feel for you
Submitted by frustratedwife on
I'm always telling my husband how chaotic life is with him. Unlike your situation my husband has been diagnosed with ADHD and accepts it. However, he is not on meds or getting any help. He did both years before i met him and feels he knows how to deal with his problems without meds. Another difference is that he does like to plan life with me. The big problem there is that I'm the only one working towards our goals. He has all these dreams and talks about how they are achievable but sits back and watches me struggle just to make ends meet. I would like to believe he will change but after 7 years of the same pattern I don't know how to have hope. I just thank God we don't have kids because that brings in a whole new problem.
I really feel for you and I'm glad you found this forum so you can vent from time to time and know you aren't in this alone.
Doing what's right, in spite irresponsiblity!
Submitted by c ur self on
I suggest you stop expecting him to show different behaviors than he is already exhibiting...If I would have been you, I would have told my daughter, you cannot eat popcorn now. Maybe after supper, but not now...If I saw her with it, I would have taken it way and punished her in front of him...I would never respond to irresponsible behavior, verbally or emotionally...If he wants to dominate the conversation, name call and blame you for doing the responsible thing, "let him" He's not a child, and you can't fix him...but, don't let him be an excuse for you to not do what's right, even if he makes it much harder than it has to be....(And I would tell him that too) I'm sorry you are having to deal with this...But, if you do not put your foot down now, what do you thing the outcome will be?
Husband's erratic parenting style
Submitted by Djadechen on
I'm needing to vent on here again...
it feels to me like he is fighting for my daughter's attention, like he wants to be the better parent. So DD got hurt in the eye at school. The school called him at work. Instead of calling me to go take her to the doctor, he drove to her school, about 40 minutes away. He didn't call me until he was almost at the school! I am a stay at home mom, and I am 5 minutes away. He could have easily called me to take her. It was so strange to hear him ask me.."are you coming with us? I plan on taking care of her all day. It's better that I do it because I'm more of a medical person." This was strange because I am the primary person and I've been with her since she was born, taking her to ALL of the appointments!
Then the whole time, it seemed like he was taking over the entire transaction. This is from someone who never takes the kids to any doctor appointments...then he started complaining that we had to wait at the pharmacy, saying that he had to go to a meeting. He said that we should have spent more money and bought the medicine at the doctors instead of filling it at the pharmacy (which was what I had us do). I told him I was fine with waiting for it, and he should have just let me handle it and he should have stayed at work. I told him that we did not need to double our efforts, and I would update him every chance I got.
Another thing was, I was working on a project with DD for school while husband took our son to soccer. We were in the middle of a task, holding the creation and measuring, and he came storming into the door calling for her to go immediately outside to look at the clouds...really? I told him that we were in the middle of something, and she can't just run outside... So bizarre to me, and the same kind of thing happens over and over again!
then, husband loudly yelled at my son for coming out of his room at bedtime and wanting a snack, and said to GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM! My son started crying and went back to his room. But, then, 3-5 minutes later, my son was downstairs having a snack and talking to husband, like Dad never said to go back to his room....
I don't understand at all....I feel like crying... :-(
What?
Are you scared of him? Why
Submitted by c ur self on
Are you scared of him? Why don't you set him down after the children are in bed, and talk about the day...Ask him to explain so you can understand his thinking about his actions today. Y'all should be on the same team with the children's best interest in mind...It sounds like there is internal strife between you...which the children will pick up on. I suggest you talk it out calmly...Let him talk, he made the decision to leave work w/ you available and 5 minutes away, surely he can give you his reasoning whether you agree or not. If you are having communication problems, don't let it escalate ask him to set down with a counselor for the sake of the children and the marriage....Good luck!
Awww.... Hugs to you, honey!
Submitted by smilingagain on
Awww.... Hugs to you, honey!
I relate to this. My husband is inconsistent like yours. He loves the kids- but he can get snappy with my 5 year old. Sometimes he's too rough with him or his tone is just really mean. He doesn't recognize it much. Once in awhile he does recognize it and feels bad and that's where you see the full flip flop like you described.
It sounds like your husband felt bad about yelling and had to alleviate that. If he's like my husband, you will never (or very infrequently) see an apology for a tantrum or blow up- but you might see lots of affection, rough- housing, being close... That's what I see. It's kind of sad actually- I think it's the abuse-pattern... Sunny and nice, tension building, blow-up, penance and magical make up (alleviate guilt by indulging every whim)... Repeat.
Hang in there and maybe read some of my prior posts. Things got a lot worse, but have begun to get a lot better. I hope that you have the same outcome and I admire your tenacity in sticking in there. I know how hard that is to do sometimes.
Woke up thinking about this,
Submitted by c ur self on
Woke up thinking about this, and what I said in my post...my wife reacts to conflict just like you say your husband does smilingagain. She will just shutdown, want discuss an issue, then out of the blue she will be smiling again, lovey, dovey like nothing has happened. I'm like who are you? :)...What i really wanted to day was...Some times an add brain my be doing the best it can do, even when the outward appearance does not make complete sense to a non add brain. I have to careful to not assign motives, and let emotions build in me based on add behaviors...Like what your husband actions of driving so far and all, in his head and heart, he truly may feel like it was the right thing to do at the time...There is a lot of Dad's who do not care enough for their own children to be there for them, so hopefully it will work out....I know I need to just count my blessings more...God loves us all :)
Thank you for your comments.
Submitted by Djadechen on
Thank you for your comments. You are right that his heart is in the right place. What he does is illogical to me and out of synch with expectations.
I have tried talking to him, but it doesn't go very far. He doesn't know what I'm talking about a lot of times. Then, he would promise to do something and then forget. We have good days and bad days, and I try hard to maintain a sane household.
Thank you again, I appreciate your thoughts.