Strong versus stubborn

I had another argument with my ADHD spouse.  

The most ironic thing he said to me:  "I am exhausted." Gosh - very strange. . . . . . . . . . .

I do not want to be saying who is right nor who is wrong.  Our paradigms are so different. 

We have not had any intimacy of any sort in very close to 3 years.  Actually, on January 28th it will be exactly 3 years.  I had thought I was deciding to refuse to be controlled by his anger - it has resulted in his being angry for a very long time.  3 years.  How is that working for me?  It is not.  

He says he is defeated because I am punishing him by withholding sex.  That is what he sees.  I am with-holding sex to punish him.  He cannot see I am lonely, overwhelmed by reasonability, very much missing intimacy,  tired of assuming all the responsibility, tired of always doing everything his way, tired of not being heard, tired of walking on egg shells so as not to anger him.  Frustrated by his lack of communication -  I always feel I am being played.  Frustrated when it feels like he is setting up situations to fail so he can say, "See, I told you."  Grrrr.  

I have worked hard on getting out of the parent-child relationship we were in.  I have worked on my anger - I am so frustrated and have built up many walls of emotional protection.  

I really am confused by his lack of seeing things as different-degrees of hurt.  An example - if he forgets to get home in time to eat dinner together, oh well.  For me, it was not "oh well" when he forgot to come home to go to church together on Christmas Eve.  He sees them as exactly the same.  Another example - 2 weeks ago he forgot to come home for a class we were going to take at church, even though I had reminded him of it earlier in the day.  He says I am expecting him to BE PERFECT by attending all 8 classes.

This is not new stuff.  It is stuff I am just not willing to put up with anymore.  I NEED.  I need companionship.  I need partnership.  I need support.  I need respect for all that I have done for him along the years.  I DO NOT understand why I should say "Thank You" to him for anything he does, yet he does not thank me for all I do - the household finances, his business finances, the laundry, the housework, the grocery shopping, the cooking. . . . . . . 

If this was just my relationship to him that was sour, I would think a bit differently.  He has vocalized often that he has NO relationships.  No friends.  No business relationships.  And he is all alone.  

Not to mention, he thinks I was very rude to somehow communicate to him that "he has issues."