Gosh. This is a quote from Melissa Orlov, taken from another thread on this forum:
. . . . . . .you are better able to respond to her when she is at her wit's end...but from her perspective, that is likely too little, too late. No one loves being in a relationship where you get the best from a partner when you've had it. The road back, in that instance, is long. . . . . . .
I can understand it. I live it. I am on that long road. It is a rough road. My relationship dynamics are in dismal repair. It is all very difficult to accept, probably because it is just hard for Liz to define exactly what it is that needs to be accepted.
I know there is a disconnect. Exactly what it is. . . .well, it is elusive. Old patterns of behavior - - -even though they seem to get through . . .are hurtful, and old, and tiring. New patterns have proven to be hurtful. I am tired of feeling hurt. Even more, I am 'so over' causing hurt. I know lots and lots of things that do not work. I have tried new ways of communicating, that truly had the appearance of being the solution, yet they failed dismally and the repercussions were too intense to repeat. Too intense. Very intense.
My goal is be at peace. My goal is to have joy. My goal has never been: pushing a great man to the edge of a cliff. Yet, the actions and choices and steps I have chosen, have concluded with such disasters. The choices were well intentioned. The choices were suggested/directed by others. In the end, the efforts failed to accomplish the desired result . . . . . we both crashed and burned.
Thus, I continue on Liz's journey, by attending college, focusing on me and my actions, and, well, just going forth. I am student teaching this summer. Yep, a 56 year old women, jump starting her first career. . . .and really, really lovin' it!!!!!
My focus has to keep being redirected - to work towards my joy.
The God's honest truth, in the deepest pit of my soul, is an abiding pain that persists. I have not been able to bring about the relationship changes I so desire, for both of us. I truly understand my efforts alone will not do it. His efforts have been great.
One day at a time. It is all I can do.
I am not a victim in all this. I am not stuck. I do know one thing for sure. . . . .hurtful, angry relationship dynamics are a thing I choose to walk away from, at a very quick pace.
P.S. I apologize for the edit, edit, edit. . . . . .it was necessary to clarify my thought. :)