I've recently entered into a new relationship with a fantastic person who has ADHD and autism. When we are together, and can talk face-to-face, then the relationship is one of the best I've ever had. She is kind, caring, a fantastic Mum, and everything I want in a partner. She is also incredibly strong, and very independent.
However, over text she has a tendency to be incredibly aggressive and defensive, and no matter what I respond with it is never the right thing. I feel like the conversation is predetermined in her head, so I could say nothing and still get shouted at. Recently we had a rough weekend, which was no fault of anyone's, but it was an incredibly stressful situation for her, to the point that she was starting to break down. Since then, she has been stuck in a loop of telling me I don't care about her, and being angry at me and disappointed in me. Yet, when I reach out to support her it only seems to make things worse. She feels like I'm not listening to her, yet is reluctant to share with me. She also has a tendency to accuse me of lying. I am potentially autistic myself but have not been tested, so I do struggle with reading emotions over text and I communicate poorly sometimes. I shared this information with her yesterday, and she felt as if I had been lying to her and deceiving her for the entire relationship, and because of that it invalidated everything I had told her previously. Though, I felt like this was my choice to share when I felt comfortable and had nothing to do with how I feel about her.
She will also regularly just say she's leaving, or say"Goodbye" in a message to imply that the relationship is over. Yet, will continue to respond, though these will be hurtful messages. I feel like these are cries for help more than anything, and she's used to people just giving up on her. I spent 5 hours on the phone with her yesterday, just trying to talk to her and reassure her, and it barely made a difference. The relationship was genuinely saved when her Son started making us both laugh over the phone, and it was like everything was back to normal in an instant.
I care about her an awful lot. How do I reassure her that I am here to support and love her to the best of my ability, without potentially causing an upset? I've been really trying, and fighting so hard for her, and us. But, I feel like she hates me for it, and there is only so much apologising I can do.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
A lot to think about
Submitted by Varden on
Wow, that really is a lot and you're dealing with. It sounds to me like regardless of any diagnosis of autism or ADHD, there's some underlying trauma and resistances of some sort. The hardest part in this situation is getting people to understand that you do care for them and you do love them when you're trying to let them know about information and things like this that you feel could help them. I'm going through a similar situation myself, very different circumstances, but the same concept. You engage someone to tell them that you want to help them, but they think you're attacking them instead. The best thing I can say is make sure that every choice you make you focus on yourself, and when you do have to talk always remain calm and say things that you would be proud to look back on. It doesn't mean you don't have to have emotions and not to express them, just to be respectful and polite, but still feel whatever you have to. But yes, again, I would recommend just making shre you're soing things to protect yourself and then to help her. It's too easy for us empaths to get lost in giving too much of ourselves up trying to help others. Hope this helps a little bit.
Submitted by c ur self on
Relationship's that have a chance aren't this hard...I married my girl friend 15 years ago....Our dating life sounded a whole lot like your's...In hind site it was a very bad decision....Not because I didn't love her or want to be her husband...No, there are many many people who aren't equipped to manage married life....The responsibilities...ie..communication, sharing, submitting, calm emotions etc..along w/the everyday work of building a life together isn't in some people's tool box...Of course I didn't want to hear that...I had my mind made up...I was a widower with 30 good years of past experience....I would fix it, right?.....LOL....What you find out is the situations your writing about is a cycle....You see these issues, you attempt to speak into it...Nothing happen's....Or it get's worse....Brains or fixed! ...The best advice I can give you is to believe what you see...It's who she is....My wife has changed in some way's...But she still has add at a high level...Her life worked single....No one had to be subjected to the emotional outbursts, the hoarding, the messes, the control and manipulation attempts, the fight or flight, etc...etc...
Relationships (marriage) are difficult enough when both parties are workers, responsible, able and willing to communicate, emotionally stable, etc...When a person who has these tools marry's a person who has a highly intrusive existence, you will always be the loser!....Using me as an example....She hoards, and lives extremely messy, I have to endure it, or leave....She is up and down emotionally, I have to control mine or it's gets crazy...She is late for most everything, so I am late for most everything...She never asks what I think about vacations, family toy's, churches, etc...etc...She just tells me what we need to do...She is self absorbed, and her lived out priorities are way different than mine....So I'm the loser!....Now I don't allow these things to effect me any longer due to boundaries and non participation, taking my focus off her, and pushing on with my life....But, I still get up to messes, I still have to ignore much of what she say's....Nothing I say matters to her, if she is locked into a different thought about the subject....Not because she don't love me in the way she is capable, but, because she can't remember, and she justifies her behaviors....especially when she forgets or don't take her adderall...
Can I deal with it?....Yes, I can as long as I can take care of myself....People like my wife can be loved, but, can't be trusted in many area's of life...High level adders who refuse self awareness, and just lives in denial of the hardships on those in the same space, make for a challenging life to put it mildly......So before you wade off into thinking your going to change her, think again....
In hind site my wife would have been an excellent friend, someone to do things with...loves exercise, some sports, she is a good sport, loves children, loves people, loves to travel, she is a believer, but her life consumes her, she isn't a person you can put any expectations on at all, or you will continually be let down....I have placed so many boundaries on myself it's like two strangers a lot of the time....Life is never about what I would like, it's always about what is possible and be peace to be had.....You want like that short list...Think about it?