We have been married almost 20 years and have three teenagers. I love my husband very much. Even though we've both always had to work (isn't that mostly everyone today?), he's always done his part with work and contributing to the expenses (usually more than me). He was very much unlike my Dad and was very quiet and humble, I suppose that's part of what I found attractive.
I work full time overnights, my husband works primarily from home, occasionally going out to meet with clients. His work is done on the phone and laptop, the latter of which is next to me......in bed. Did I mention I work at night? While he is normally pretty quiet, this is a huge sticky point for me as it comes across as a lack of respect. I need to sleep well to be up all night for work. I have occasionally slept in one of the kids rooms during the day. Once in a while he'll ask me where I plan on sleeping (which I take as a subtle way of him asking me to sleep elsewhere). I don't think it should be considered that much of a sacrifice for him to work somewhere else in the house. Why is this such a big deal? On to related point two.,....
He is in our bed with the laptop ALL THE TIME. He works in bed, he surfs the internet in bed, he eats 95% of meals IN BED, with the laptop on his chest.
Low testosterone, really low is happening now, he is no longer taking supplements for that. Showering is back to every three or four days (unless he has to go out for work which isn't generally more than once a week). The argument? Well, he's in bed most of the time and "doesn't get dirty". If there is no interest in or possibility of sex, why take a shower? So, not only is there very little sex, but very little affection of any kind, and if he hasn't showered in three days, I'm hesitant to put my arms around him. That's an issue he can certainly control. Our affection is mostly a kiss when I leave for work or when he goes out.
His stress level with work is high, always has been. He is on one anti-depressant/anti-anxiety and he has a once a day prescription for Ambien, which when he refills it, will take the entire bottle over 8-10 days rather than 30 days. When he's out of Ambien, he takes over the counter sleeping pills to help him "relax". This is a huge no-no and I am concerned he's really screwing with his system. I suggested I go with him to his next doctors appointment and he said he would be fine with that.
I feel like a parent nagging a child. If anyone has any similar situations, I'd love to hear what you did to help remedy things or push your spouse along to perk up.
Ambien
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Wow, 30 Ambien tablets taken over an 8 to 10 day period. That's 3 to 4 Ambien a day. How is he getting much work done? That's being quite relaxed I would think. Does he sleep alot? or depressed?
Misusing Ambien is very common....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I almost wish that it was given out weekly and not monthly.
My H can go thru an entire month's Rx within about 2 weeks....and then he'll use the excuse that he has to drink on the other nights. He'll also say that he has to drink on some of the Ambien nights because they're "not working".
One problem that my H has is that he gets himself all worked up, then he can't sleep, so he takes a bunch of Ambien. Then the next day he'll SLEEP all day, then wonder why he can't get to sleep at night!! So he'll take a bunch more Ambien.
And he gets mad if I say that he has a pill addiction. Ugh
He gets PLENTY of work done.
Submitted by MomToThree on
He gets PLENTY of work done. He makes good money and works from home, going out occasionally for (lunch) meetings and traveling about 6 times a year. it's stressful though and that's his main argument. We did refill his most recent prescription for Ambien but on the condition that I give him one pill and then take the bottle to work with me for safe keeping basically. There were times this week though with a work issue where he "needed" two in a day.
That plan for me to go to the next doctors appointment has since been reversed ad he doesn't want me bringing up the abuse of the meds issue. His sister is a nurse and she was pissed when you found out how much he was taking.
All I'm hearing now from him is that he's bending to my wishes in reducing the prescription sleep aids and isn't taking the over the counter. As a result now I have an even more mopey husband.
I listen to people crisis situations as a 911 dispatcher every day. Where's my freakin mood enhancers........
I don't think I've ever seen
Submitted by RedEyesOnOrange... on
I don't think I've ever seen my H not finish a month's prescription within the first week or two (unless the prescription isn't a particularly "fun" one). And, inevitably, it is a huge disaster when he does run out. I'll get yelled at and tortured until I fix the situation as best I can (nothing illicit, just contacting doctors, running to pharmacies, calling his mom [yes, you read that right -- his mom sends him her meds when he runs out], etc.). If I don't do these things IMMEDIATELY, all hell breaks loose. Then, he'll ask (or, rather, yell at) me, "why don't you ever learn??" (meaning, why would I ever let him get in that situation, bc I know it makes him crazy). Um...why don't *I* ever learn? The situation is always 100% his fault. Why don't I learn to stop enabling him, is the real question. But if he gets this angry over me being late to do something, I can't even imagine what kind of apocalyptic sh*t-storm would come my way if I ever even hinted to him that I might not do any of these things.
My H also has bizarre cycles of staying up for days, then crashing and sleeping for days with only rare breaks (typically medication-induced). He's either hyper-focused on one thing, or too tired to do anything. Hence, all of his day-to-day responsibilities fall to the wayside. His showering fluctuates in same way -- he'll have times where he showers twice a day, then he'll go days without showering. Of course, according to him, it's actually MY duty to take care of most of these day-to-day responsibilities he doesn't do. He's even managed to blame me for him not getting a haircut...(???). So much of my time is spent just trying to avoid getting yelled at! But I can never do enough.
I'm a full-time PhD student, plus I work 10 hours a week as an RA, and I have a hard time picking up this much slack. He also gets mad at me for not paying him enough attention, and for spending too much time on school work. But his anger, blame-shifting, unpredictable behavior, and horrible mood swings just make me want to retreat into my school work even more. It's a vicious cycle. And if I ever spend time with friends, he throws it in my face. It's time that should be spent on him -- not in nice "together" ways, but in listening to him rant about something I couldn't care less about. We do have some good times together, but they seem to be getting fewer and farther between. It's really quite heart-breaking.
I'm sorry, I know I didn't offer any advice (believe me, I wish I had some to offer!), but I just wanted to express my understanding.
-R
When do you graduate
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
When do you graduate. If I were you, I would quietly be making plans to leave as soon as the PhD is attained and a job is secured. When the time comes, quietly get your stuff out and go....and don't look back.
<<<
And, inevitably, it is a huge disaster when he does run out. I'll get yelled at and tortured until I fix the situation as best I can (nothing illicit, just contacting doctors, running to pharmacies, calling his mom [yes, you read that right -- his mom sends him her meds when he runs out], etc.). If I don't do these things IMMEDIATELY, all hell breaks loose. Then, he'll ask (or, rather, yell at) me, "why don't you ever learn??" (meaning, why would I ever let him get in that situation, bc I know it makes him crazy). Um...why don't *I* ever learn? The situation is always 100% his fault.
>>>
This is just outrageous that he thinks you're supposed to get him "extra" meds because he's misused his own. And, yes, getting meds from his mom is illicit. He needs to be told that. What are you supposed to do when you call his doctors? They're only supposed to renew every 30 days. Does he want you to say that the meds got lost so he needs more?
How did this BEGIN to be your problem?
Why doesn't he think HE should be the one to get his meds?
Red, do you think he might be addicted?
Submitted by dedelight4 on
R, do you think your husband might be addicted to the meds? We have had addicts in our family, and his behavior is very similar to theirs regardless of the ADHD. My husband's brother was diagnosed bi-polar and paranoid schizophrenic at 18, and he became an addict. His case was extreme, and he recently passed due to the complications of all his drug use, but he did the same thing with taking a bottle Rx within a week, that was supposed to last a month. (on top of illegal drugs) He also took his psychotropic drugs the same way, bizarre. My ex-son in law also did the same behavior with taking scripts too soon and blaming and begging for more. It's a terrible thing to witness, and they have a way of making everyone around them take the blame for THEIR behavior. You really have your hands full, especially with all your PhD studies. (wish you well with those and hope you graduate soon)
My H admits that he's an alcoholic, but won't admit to being a..
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
a pill addict.
Not only does H misuse his own pills, but he will take others' meds....sometimes w/o asking. When my son had his wisdom teeth out, his doc prescribed codeine for the pain. My H took his pills! Luckily son didn't need them all, but we were very angry that H took them w/o asking. H just snuck in his bedroom and took the bottle.
I have been sick with a nasty cold. I bought some 'nighttime" cold meds and took them ONE NIGHT. I went to the box 2 days ago and it was empty. H claims that he didn't take them (because he knows I'd say he's an addict), but no one else has been in our home for TWO WEEKS....so he is the ONLY one who could have taken them.
Mine's done that too with the
Submitted by MomToThree on
Mine's done that too with the others' presciption meds. It's a guilt trip if they're not 'shared.' Thankfully that situation happens rarely.
Nyquil? That's like dangling candy in front of a baby.
We've gotten to the point of not telling H that we have meds
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
We can't tell H that we have Rx in the house. He's such an addict...always grabbing something in hope that it will "make him feel better".....because these folks are in such core pain.
My son was exposed to poison ivy and had to take a steroid pack for the extreme itching (systemic reaction). H ended up taking his pills because (oh, I thought I was itching, too). Who takes their child's meds?????
Drugs, the icing on the cake...
Submitted by RedEyesOnOrange... on
OverwhelmedWife, that is what everyone suggests I do (get my degree then get out), probably bc it makes the most logical sense! I will graduate in approximately 2 years...which seems short in the grand scheme of things, but also agonizingly long in this kind of chaos. Part of me would rather take on the dreaded student loans than stay with him...I know it makes more practical sense to stick it out, but I just don't know if I can. In the "heat of the moment" (i.e., during a rage spell) I always swear to myself that it's finally the end! But a long-term view is more prudent, I suppose. Ugh, we shall see!
I honestly don't know when I became his drug-getter. I think he slowly eased me into it. At first, it was all "please do this huge favor for me, I'm sick and in pain," but eventually it became what it is now: "do this or suffer the consequences!" I was so naive about drugs when we first got married, and now, sadly, somehow I'm an expert. When I talk to doctors, I'll use the "lost" excuse, but that only works so many times. Sometimes I'll say they are for me (I was almost too ashamed to write that...). I don't know how I got myself into this mess, and I don't know how to get myself out!
He doesn't think HE should get his own meds bc he doesn't think he should do anything himself! I'm his full-time personal assistant / nanny (who in his head is more than well-paid), so why shouldn't he have me do everything?
If I remember correctly, you previously mentioned that you were able to set that boundary (that he is responsible for his own meds). Was this boundary set from the get go, or was it something you had to put your foot down about? If so, how???
dedelight4, thank you for the well-wishes, that really means a lot! I'm so sorry to hear about the addicts in your family, bc I know EXACTLY what that is like. As you guessed, my H has had many problems with addiction. For about 15 years he had been addicted to opiates -- I married him not knowing, so obviously he was a "functioning" addict. As I said, I was quite naive. Only when he started trying to get off did I finally start catching on. He tried about 5 or 6 times unsuccessfully before he finally was successful. His withdrawal period was a HELLISH experience (for both of us), but I am immensely proud that was able to get off and (as far as I know) stay off.
The current problem drug is Xanax. He has been trying to get off that too, by slowly tapering down. He was on such a high dose to begin with though, that the "normal" amount being prescribed to him is still never enough. And, like you said, he NEVER takes the blame himself! In fact, he thinks he should be rewarded for trying to get off (even though these disasters of running out too soon are still a common occurrence). The adderall is another one he overuses, and then runs out of early and gets extra miserable when he crashes. Pot is his latest endeavor (it's the reverse of the gateway drug here, lol), and I have to say it's the one I mind the least. It makes him docile, AND since it's "medical" he has to pick up all his own stuff bc he has to show his license. Woohoo!! I still end up driving him a lot (of course, I couldn't get off that easily)...but at least he has to do some of the effort himself! It's so sad I'd prefer a pothead H to my real H....
-Red
I had that boundary from the get go...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
If I remember correctly, you previously mentioned that you were able to set that boundary (that he is responsible for his own meds). Was this boundary set from the get go, or was it something you had to put your foot down about? If so, how???
>>>
I never pick up H's meds unless it's totally convenient for me.
As for you, you need to get busy with your PhD. Start needing to be on campus MORE HOURS. Find excuses to be there. Research needs, whatever. You may need to exaggerate your need to be there more, but your H won't know that. You can pretend to be "annoyed" at this new demand to be on campus more. ....so H won't suspect or think that you're doing this to avoid being his slave.
If H complains, remind him that you'll soon be working and therefore unavailable so this is the "new reality" for both of you...so everyone will need to adjust with the new demands. they're not going away.
Does your program have any Assistantship positions? What kind of PhD is this?.
Good ideas for bad situations...
Submitted by RedEyesOnOrange... on
OverwhelmedWife, finding more reasons to be on campus -- that is a good idea! Some days I will be on campus all day, and it's just blissful! Nothing spoils this like going home to you know who.
I'm studying Political Science. I do have a research assistant position, but (unfortunately!) I can work from home for that. But I think I'll tell him that's no longer the case. ;) He will hate it!! That's a good idea to pretend I'm annoyed with it too, haha. I wonder if I hired him a full time baby sitter if he'd even notice I wasn't there as much?
Staying focused on school is what has kept me going this long. School is so logical and predictable, it's like a breath of fresh air!! Total opposite of what's at home (chaos and unpredictability). Of course, he totally resents my going to school since it takes time away from him. It's such a vicious cycle, and that's really the sad part.
I'm so sorry to hear about your H's alcohol and pill use... God, I've been there!! Alcohol was never a problem (oddly), but he's always had pill problems. I had dental surgery a few years ago, and I had probably only taken one of my prescribed pills before the rest were chugged down by H. Luckily for me, I don't like pills -- and I mean that, I'm so glad I don't like them! -- so I didn't miss them, but what if I had really needed them?? And doing this to your child? I can't even imagine what goes through addicts' heads!! It's extremely sad.
-Red