Peace for a day

Christmas Day. I realize any plans and schedules I have made may need to be re-arranged. I won't be angry today.  Whatever happens, happens.  Nothing is a necessity other than being welcoming and attentive to others today.

Acceptance or weakness?

I wrote this yesterday after rereading my original post here and editing it.  I had started my usual rant about how dh is sabatoging the morning of my preparations for family coming to Christmas here.  He was doing his own thing and trying to be part of the preparations...yet being in his own world and wanting his own say and doing it his way. He likes to be part of the fun parts but not part of the pre-planning, teaming up and maintaining parts of activities.  I realized after I wrote that I thought the preparations and kitchen were my domain and if I wanted things to go smoothly after all my plans, I needed the time and space in the kitchen to orchestrate my many pots and bowls and creations I had in the works along with spot cleaning and last minute wrapping.  DH usurped the kitchen time and space and I went into worry mode feeling like now my schedule was thrown off and I had the choice of starting a fight by mentioning my needs or of stuffing my anxiety and letting things fall where they may.  This is my usual dilemna.  I stuffed it and let things go...ergo my comment on "peace for a day".  Today I see that if want to be who I am....for me to have schedules, plans, pride in my accomplishments, peace of mind, dreams come true, goals come true, plans work out, ambition for a good life ---  I have to live on my own island.  With dh, it is like I have a disabled child who wants fun and attention and wants to be loved for his childlike impishness.  I must make allowances like having a special needs child.  I will be late for things, swallow my pride often, make do with what I don't want, try to understand his disabilities, I need to be humble and accept reality, need to find my own joy and communication, accept that he is not able to really show love or commit to marriage, be prepared to be humiliated and not take it personally.  I Let things go yesterday.  It was fine.  Things didn't have to go perfectly by my plans. They were MY plans after all - not his plans. I had to get my feelings and thoughts in line with the way I wanted to be - happy (not anxious).  People are more important than things.  No one knows how many allowances I make in a day so that we don't have another fight.  No one sees his disability but me. It WAS best that I didn't make a big deal out of what could have started the day with angry words (from him after I would have mentioned that I needed the kitchen right then).  My job now is to ACCEPT that this is all my relationship will ever be like a mother of a special needs child needs to accept and make allowances.  But no one really knows what I do/have done - even dh. 

ehwww.   I hated the pity party I just had here.  Why don't I just explode with my frustrations and let it be the problem of others around me to accept me?  Why don't I just be true to myself and let MY needs be known so that other people have the opportunity to get to know the real me.  The me with passion and goals and love and hate and feelings and strength to get through daily life?  Why is my integrity balled up with my need to keep things inside and be the strong silent type? Yet, when I do fight and fume, dh has a way dirty way of fighting and turning things around, changing the subjects and making things all about me and making me feel whatever he needs to make me feel for his entertainment or ego ---  like a puppetmaster. (similar to what Brick Muffinwhistle does with his comments on this site). (silent scream)

Clarity and integrity

My strength is that now I am seeing more clearly.  I recognize the conflicting thoughts, perspectives and emotions that go on in my head.  This site is so helpful for clarity.  We get to see all sides of the balance/imbalance that goes on inside the intimate relationships that mirror ours.  As I purge my emotions on this site, I can re-read the words I wrote and look at them from the perspective of a third party and see my part in the craziness of my own life.   I am not so much the blind and deaf captive of my own emotions.  I get to make my own choices from a clearer mind.