I have been doing pretty good distancing myself in my marriage with the results that H seems to want to talk and be with me more. That took literally YEARS for him to not hide and isolate from me. He has always had more time and attention and gratitude for everyone BUT me. But now that I am not giving any energy toward togetherness, he is fine with that and he is still not contributing any more but not hiding and defensive. So we live our singular lives and the only conversation we have is laughs. I think that is pathetic but I stopped caring or expecting anything more.
Today I am writing because I just hit a splash of intense feelings inside that erupted from something so small. I was 3 rooms away and he laughed very loudly from the tv. I lost it. I closed the door and turned up the music on compter where I am working. I am LIVID! from his laughter! Why does this affect me like this?
Because I have been STUFFING it for a very long time. I hear him laughing at the tv all the time and teasing me and being a silly clown and he seems happy and carefree and I am ANGRY that he is so happy and CARE FREE! What the heck? How do I walk through these ugly feelings and yet not stuff some more?
It's not about him laughing at a TV program.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I would guess your anxiety in those moments aren't about his ability to live happy and care free....It's about all the things he doesn't and hasn't done.....There are plenty of people who have the ability to be happy and care free...But they also have the character to see and take care of all parts of life....When we become something (happy and care free in this instance) at the expense of all other responsibilities, people will just get away from that....Or shut the door and turn up the music, because what they are hearing has just become a painful reminder of all that is missing in the relationship....
Bless you Jenna!
Spouse with ADHD
Submitted by tcrane on
I appreciate your being committed to giving him the space to make cracks in an unproductive cycle of isolating and withdrawing.
That he has responded is significant, and equally so, (albeit) "not enough". This is a potent dialectic; as such, 'could you' both affirm specifics about what he's doing with ex.s (his not withdrawing and laughter shared these (last 4 weeks (...for ex.)?
"Given that this period with pandemic brings up a great deal for all of us, not withstanding this that you share, '...timing may not be congruent for you to request feedback from him (such as "what have you experienced re:"our' time together during ....(this same time period)?
In "openness" (not needing to be nice), I think (if not then, at a better mutual time), you could again revisit your comments (where you left off) then ask him again the previous open ended question again.
I think it is totally normal that when things are better, 'deeper resesentments will arise'. "Only If its true", sharing that you'd like to find a way together to build upon the recent + change together so as to find a way to problem solve constructively without re-trenching might elicit mutual ideas and exchange.
Frankly, in my relationship with my wife (16 years married @30 years together), my reactivity was a major barrier as it took me some time not to personalize. I'm so grateful J. gave me chances, over time, to understand my anxiety; her attending with me the every 3 mo. medication reviews with my Psychiatrist gave her input which led to an improved medication protocol (and in recent years) a change in my diagnosis.
As Melissa mentioned, Mindfulness classes are great for 'children; in my Mindfulness and DBT classes (thru my Insurer)*, most participants were between 40-65. We** learned new skills of self-regulation in class and then (thru sharing weekly homework exercises ) shared real world means to apply these in communications.
I applaud your having humor during this time as I've gotten quite serious, especially the last few days....!
The advice given on another blog from a (non-ADHD spouse) re: suggestions for coping during this time of pandemic.is great! Also, Ned Hallowell and his wife's book is outstanding (Married to Distraction); it normalizes in user friendly manner and in laymen's terms how each of them (co-writing together, with Melissa editing) approach-- in their long-term marriage--- ---Ned, an MD with ADHD and Susan (an MSW/Family therapist) non-ADHD spose common ground in their marriage (and in a society) that too easily lends itself to our choices of distraction.
Was this helpful? I genuinely feel that If these Adhd and Marriage forums were available a # of years ago, J. 's long term resentment of not being understood or heard I think would have helped her (and us both). And, it is as it is!
*also, NAMI or Chadd might have these
**"we" meaning fellow classmates (spouses are not allowed to do the classes together---which allows a safe place. Facilitators moderate so that it is focused on the individual(s) in class.
I agree. Its not about him
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree. Its not about him laughing at a TV program...its about him being oblivious, blissfully unaware and unaffected by how his behavior effects others. It is also about looking inward, and facing your own emotions. Stuffing it makes things worse. I know, I did it for years.
feeling the same
Submitted by Rh on
Hi, I feel the same as you. I think for survival in this marriage I have distanced and tried to rely solely on God to meet the needs my husband can't see and/or ignores. I wish I had advice to give you, but I can only commiserate. It's been years since I've been on here, but I am so brutally bitter inside all I can think about is leaving him, however I never will. I love my son too much and he adores his daddy. I could never hurt him like that so I will live in misery and bitterness however long I feel this way. I'm so tired of being the one that feels the disconnection and makes the attempt to mend our marriage. I'm exhausted honestly. For the last few days all I can manage to think about is every frustrating thing I hate about my husband. I've been trying gratitude, but I just can't think of anything to love about him right now. I know that sounds horrible and I don't need anyone trying to make me feel better. I am just desperately needing to vent somewhere. I have come to accept that he must not care about me or our marriage relationship enough to make any changes or efforts to change. He adamantly refuses treatment for ADHD despite it destroying our marriage what with his extreme emotionally rollercoaster, anger outbursts, hatefulness and evil tone he uses towards me thinking a flippant half apology is enough to smooth things over, his blatant defensiveness and interruptions when I try to talk with him no matter how calmly, his refusal to stop staring at his screen and actually interact with his family, his interest in me only when he wants sex or to criticize me or try to boss me around, his egocentric attitude and lack of empathy for others...well, for me. I used to resort to praying for him when I was frustrated and for the longest time it seemed to help and be working, but lately all I can spew out to God are venomous words of hatred for my husband, which I feel guilty about sort of, but not like I probably should. Perhaps I'm struggling with depression. I can't even look at my role and what I can do to make things better as I feel I'm the only one ever responsible enough to do that in our marriage, and honestly, I'm just tired. Tired of it. I know there are other factors contributing i.e. having a toddler, building a house, the damned virus quarantine BS, the isolation, etc, but despite that, it just feels like it is all him. I know that is not rational, but I don't really care. I am on the literal verge of walking out the door. I was scheduled to go on a girls trip to Maine the beginning of this month and it probably would have done me a world of good, but of course it had to be cancelled. I want our marriage to be better and I want him to be the one to notice it absolute sucks and to be intentional on his part to make things better. He doesn't notice. He doesn't care when I tell him something is wrong and even what could be helpful such as committing to a date each week, time to reconnect each day. He doesn't do the things I need to feel connected to him. And I am so damn tired of trying. I am doing so much. I feel so unappreciated. He doesn't notice me or how hard I am working. Today is mother's day. Last year he forgot and was on a fishing trip and when he realized he still had plenty of time to come home and be here, but he chose not to and didn't see anything wrong with it. Today he gave me a half hearted card from our toddler and stared at his screen the remainder of the day. Pretty typical. It's humiliating. The nuts thing about it is he can be so caring and considerate and extremely generous when it comes to everyone around us. I would never have married him if I could do it all over again. His negativity and incessant complaining about life is like poison to my soul. I would advise anyone to never marry someone with ADHD. It is misery and exhausting. There are many things I love about my life, but it is so so so hard being married to this man. On top of things, my mind keeps wondering to exes who were so much more attentive and romantic, genuinely care for me and my interests and our relationship. I'm trying not to. He is so tempermental and will explode with such a hateful tone for no reason and I'm just supposed to be okay with it. I look at pictures from our marriage through the years and though it looks like we are happy I remember the moments before and after the pictures, his impatience and negativity. Trips are miserable which sucks because I love to travel so much and thought I'd hit the jackpot when I met a man who takes traveling as seriously as I do. I've considered going to a doctor and faking an ADHD diagnosis so I could get medication and sneak it into his food or whatever. I'm not. I know that's crazy. I'm ust at my wits end. He thinks everything is fine, or he knows it's not and doesn't care which is likely the case. He is convinced that since we have our toddler and we are building this house that I won't leave him so he can treat me how ever and I'll just put up with it. I hate him right now. This is one of those times where committment is literally the only thread I'm hanging onto to stay in this marriage. Thanks for listening. I feel a little better venting some of this. Does anyone else's sex life suck? well,.. that's for another blog. I could write another page just on that topic alone. I know there is so much power in vulnerability, but I'm too hurt to get hurt more, which is guaranteed when being vulnerable with him. I can't take his hurtful words and defensiveness but something has to give.
You are not alone
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It's miserable, lonely, depression-inducing, frustrating and exhausting.
There is so much support for those with ADHD and so little understanding the impact on the partner. I liken it to caregiver fatigue - a state of complete physical, mental and and emotional exhaustion. I am sorry for what you are going through and completely understand as I am there myself.
Submitted by tle700 on
We dont have sex anymore because I dont feel intimate and close. When I tell him what I need, he doesnt change. He goes right back into the same routine. So I quit.
Submitted by Michelle Immer on
Is there anyone married to a jealous man that has ADHD. It's not fun, because he doesn't remember making accusations like 10 prior. It is exhausting. thank you for letting me share.
Submitted by tle700 on
I am getting a divorce. Life too short to live by his lack of time, lack of understanding, misplaced emotions, ignoring me, lonliness I feel. If I have to go thru the world as a single person, I might as well be single. After 20 years- Im done. Good luck everyone