I have been doing pretty good distancing myself in my marriage with the results that H seems to want to talk and be with me more. That took literally YEARS for him to not hide and isolate from me. He has always had more time and attention and gratitude for everyone BUT me. But now that I am not giving any energy toward togetherness, he is fine with that and he is still not contributing any more but not hiding and defensive. So we live our singular lives and the only conversation we have is laughs. I think that is pathetic but I stopped caring or expecting anything more.
Today I am writing because I just hit a splash of intense feelings inside that erupted from something so small. I was 3 rooms away and he laughed very loudly from the tv. I lost it. I closed the door and turned up the music on compter where I am working. I am LIVID! from his laughter! Why does this affect me like this?
Because I have been STUFFING it for a very long time. I hear him laughing at the tv all the time and teasing me and being a silly clown and he seems happy and carefree and I am ANGRY that he is so happy and CARE FREE! What the heck? How do I walk through these ugly feelings and yet not stuff some more?