I am the ADHD spouse, my husband is not, and has very little experience with others who have ADHD. I don't tend to have as many issues with the Inattentive symptoms as I've developed a lot of coping mechanisms for these issues from when I was younger, but the Hyperactive and Impuslive symptoms I still struggle with. Sitting still for long periods of time, thinking before I speak, and so on. But really, I've gotten a good hang of listening over the last few years so that isn't really a problem. It's not talking I have a problem with either, I can make conversation and keep it going, but I don't feel like I've communicated how I actually feel about anything thats related to me in a long, long time.
He works a LOT - which is to be expected from an Army Lieutenant- but I feel like we haven't really communicated at all. I tend to get upset about things and then be incapable of explaining why I'm upset. Once I get angry or hurt, my whole communication centers shut down - I'll think about it long and hard and talk to him about it later - but it seems like if I'm not outwardly expressing the emotions that I'm TELLING HIM I felt then it doesn't sink in. I can't talk while I'm upset, so I have to wait till I've calmed down, and so he sees someone calm and collected explaining how hurt I was and it's like he doesn't buy it. It's made talking about anything seem completely futile.
There have been a few things that have happened lately that give me the impression that he no longer values me -especially when compared to work. I've tried to mention this and he simply gets offended or tells me it must be in my head. He spent 7 hours of my birthday playing a 1 player video game, for example. I'm also in the process with being diagnosed with Lupus (or something similar), and he has not been supportive with that at all.
Best example I can think of though is 2 weeks ago when I needed to go to the ER at 3am for a chemical burn in both of my eyes (I work in a lab, and should be more careful) while he was at work - he refused to leave work to go with me to the ER. He said he wouldn't be able to, was legally obligated to stay there, and so on and so forth and why don't I just call an ambulance. The point being it wasn't about transportation to the hospital, it was that it was a distressing and turned out to be very traumatic and excruciating experience(look up Morgan Lens Irrigation), and he didn't even make an attempt to leave work. I know he could have left, because he's had to fill in for other people who have had to leave early in that situation before. I know he probably would have had to call a fellow Lieutenant or his Captain to come in for him, and they probably wouldn't have picked up - but he didn't even try.
These examples, and many others, have just sort of made me feel like I can't really count on him at all - that I don't really have anyone to lean on. I've spent years not leaning on anyone but myself, and that's fine, but it makes me wonder what the point of being married to someone is when I'm just going it all alone anyways. I can't figure out any way to talk to him about any of this either, because if I say anything about being unhappy he takes it very personally and just gets offended and taken aback that I would ever think such a thing. I just don't know what to do to communicate better about how I'm feeling, with him specifically.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Wow. You poor thing. Big hugs to you!
Submitted by sapphyre on
I can't explain his behaviour at that incident off the top off my head.
If you were regularly "causing" crises I could understand he may lose interest in supporting you - thinking you were an attention seeker. But, this just seems callous and uncaring to me. My first thought was, 'Does he really love you?' That's a bit harsh as I don't know either of you at all.
Interestingly, I've had a similar issue in the pastwith my hubby not understanding how stressed I am unless I get really emotional... then he gets it. But now we can talk more calmly about things.
Please post some more. What is your day to day relationship like? How do you guys feel about each other?
Peace and best wishes!
Attention Requested
Submitted by Nettie on
Guardian, I also have trouble communicating when I'm upset, and my spouse is also very practical. "Rational" is an incendiary term in my house ;)
Once, when I was in a car accident, I called my husband, and he asked me if I was hurt and/or there was an ambulance available. When I said I wasn't hurt, and medical personnel was available, he went back to playing his video game. I called again later and found it hadn't even occurred to him it would help me emotionally to have someone I knew with me (I wasn't far from his location, and when I was a teen I'd been in a very traumatic car accident).
My husband won't list me or anyone in the family as an emergency contact because he believes if he is in danger, whoever finds him should call 911, not a civilian.
It's a different way of thinking. I'm sorry if you are feeling unheard and uncared for. Our first years of marriage I lamented that these occurrences meant my husband has less feelings for me than I wanted. Now, he tries to give me the signals I need to feel cared for, and I understand (a tiny bit better) his way of thinking. My husband is a scientist. I don't know if it would be more challenging relating to a military officer, but I suggest finding support in other people and learning new skills to help get the spousal support you want (like you are doing on this forum).