Dear lord--does it NEVER get better??? If you have read any of my posts, you know my back story--the last 5 years have been awful. At our first January 2017 marriage counselor appointment I finally told both the counselor and DH that I just cannot continue to pretend our marriage is going to get any better. We are civil roommates on a good day, let's just leave it at that. Most days I am totally fine with that, even relieved. But...weekends...god I hate weekends. I leave the house Monday through Friday around 7am and I can stay at school forever if I "need" to--there's always something to do, but weekends, that is when the complete and total train wreck that is my husband is right there and there is no escape. It's not like any of this is new information to me, but geez. The complete and total unclear communication is just staggering. I try to have us do a family thing at least once a month--it's not my kids fault their father is a jerk, but still. On Wednesday I said to DH this weekend--on Saturday let's go see that movie Hidden Figures OR on Sunday after church let's go to the Field Museum (we live in Chicago) to see this cool tattoo exhibit going on right now--both events that he has mentioned that we should all do. I tell him whichever one he wants is fine with me. Friday I ask him--he doesn't know which one he wants to do. Fine. As I type this it is 3:20 on Saturday and he still doesn't know. In fact, he says to me that the older son looked up the movie and it isn't playing anywhere any more. Um, no...it's everywhere still. At the theater that is literally 4 walking distance blocks from our house, it's playing 4 different times today alone. Okay then. So I guess we are doing nothing. Yes, I could make the decision, but for crying out loud--what is so hard about this? Make a damn decision.
Another thing that has me worked up--many days DH works from home. Do not even get me started on what his desk looks like. It's in our master bedroom and used to be my desk, so neither of those things make me happy about the mess any more. But now the mess is creeping into the living room. The end table next to his chair in the living room is now cluttered with his stuff too. There is this big stack of papers, binder clips, pens--been there for three days. I ask him how long the stack of papers will be there for. He says there are for a class he has to take online. That does not answer my question. I ask again how long the stack of papers will be there for. He says he has to start the class this weekend. AGAIN...not answering my question. WHAT is so hard about this??? I ask again how long the papers will be there and he tells me to stop asking questions. I have no way to know how long the online class is--how would I know that? And his computer is in the bedroom on his desk, why would that stack of papers be in the living room???? It's just baffling to me. And meanwhile, he has been watching movies with the 15 year old all day. How in the world does he hold down a job for gods sake? He has been fired from 3 jobs in the past 10 years, so none of this is a surprise to me, but still. People wonder why living with an ADHD is so difficult--THIS IS WHY. It is not quirky, it is not delightfully childish, it is not fun, it is not a whimsical way of looking at the world, it's immature and frustrating. He is a petulant 15 year old living in the body of an adult.
I don't need a list of ways I can do better at living with him, ways I can be more patient, ways I can embrace that chaos that is my husband. That is all a load of crap. I have wasted 22 years of my life being married to a child. I am now 46 and so worn down I can barely see straight. My best years are behind me, wasted. I am quite bitter about that, but working on it. It was my choice to marry him at age 25 and have 2 kids. It was my choice to stay with him through multiple jobs losses, multiple "health" issues, multiple other women, one 6-month separation. My eyes have been wide open, I have no one to blame but myself, I am 100% clear about all of that. I am venting and wondering why oh why DH cannot answer a simple question with a clear answer. Still.