Dear lord--does it NEVER get better??? If you have read any of my posts, you know my back story--the last 5 years have been awful. At our first January 2017 marriage counselor appointment I finally told both the counselor and DH that I just cannot continue to pretend our marriage is going to get any better. We are civil roommates on a good day, let's just leave it at that. Most days I am totally fine with that, even relieved. But...weekends...god I hate weekends. I leave the house Monday through Friday around 7am and I can stay at school forever if I "need" to--there's always something to do, but weekends, that is when the complete and total train wreck that is my husband is right there and there is no escape. It's not like any of this is new information to me, but geez. The complete and total unclear communication is just staggering. I try to have us do a family thing at least once a month--it's not my kids fault their father is a jerk, but still. On Wednesday I said to DH this weekend--on Saturday let's go see that movie Hidden Figures OR on Sunday after church let's go to the Field Museum (we live in Chicago) to see this cool tattoo exhibit going on right now--both events that he has mentioned that we should all do. I tell him whichever one he wants is fine with me. Friday I ask him--he doesn't know which one he wants to do. Fine. As I type this it is 3:20 on Saturday and he still doesn't know. In fact, he says to me that the older son looked up the movie and it isn't playing anywhere any more. Um, no...it's everywhere still. At the theater that is literally 4 walking distance blocks from our house, it's playing 4 different times today alone. Okay then. So I guess we are doing nothing. Yes, I could make the decision, but for crying out loud--what is so hard about this? Make a damn decision.
Another thing that has me worked up--many days DH works from home. Do not even get me started on what his desk looks like. It's in our master bedroom and used to be my desk, so neither of those things make me happy about the mess any more. But now the mess is creeping into the living room. The end table next to his chair in the living room is now cluttered with his stuff too. There is this big stack of papers, binder clips, pens--been there for three days. I ask him how long the stack of papers will be there for. He says there are for a class he has to take online. That does not answer my question. I ask again how long the stack of papers will be there for. He says he has to start the class this weekend. AGAIN...not answering my question. WHAT is so hard about this??? I ask again how long the papers will be there and he tells me to stop asking questions. I have no way to know how long the online class is--how would I know that? And his computer is in the bedroom on his desk, why would that stack of papers be in the living room???? It's just baffling to me. And meanwhile, he has been watching movies with the 15 year old all day. How in the world does he hold down a job for gods sake? He has been fired from 3 jobs in the past 10 years, so none of this is a surprise to me, but still. People wonder why living with an ADHD is so difficult--THIS IS WHY. It is not quirky, it is not delightfully childish, it is not fun, it is not a whimsical way of looking at the world, it's immature and frustrating. He is a petulant 15 year old living in the body of an adult.
I don't need a list of ways I can do better at living with him, ways I can be more patient, ways I can embrace that chaos that is my husband. That is all a load of crap. I have wasted 22 years of my life being married to a child. I am now 46 and so worn down I can barely see straight. My best years are behind me, wasted. I am quite bitter about that, but working on it. It was my choice to marry him at age 25 and have 2 kids. It was my choice to stay with him through multiple jobs losses, multiple "health" issues, multiple other women, one 6-month separation. My eyes have been wide open, I have no one to blame but myself, I am 100% clear about all of that. I am venting and wondering why oh why DH cannot answer a simple question with a clear answer. Still.
I can relate, dvance. I'm
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I can relate, dvance. I'm sorry you must endure this every weekend. As you know, I'm now divorced. Some people might think that because my ex withdrew from the relationship, first emotionally and then physically, and because my behavior was not always positive, that now that we're divorced, he'd be doing well (i.e., that I was the problem he was attempting to flee and he succeeded in fleeing). Not.
He has alluded to the fact that his bedroom at his parents' home is a mess. My daughters spent a few hours with him over the holidays and said that another of the rooms is filled with boxes (his stuff from here; trust me, he has avoided taking things, and much of his junk is still here). That's fine. He's there, I'm here, I don't care what his living quarters look like. But what does bug me is that he sat on certain financial paperwork for months and then wouldn't respond to my messages when I communicated with him about it. Because this went into 2017, we're still co-owners of one asset and this will screw up my income taxes. It seems so pointless. Sure, we had problems, but they didn't seem insurmountable to me. I think that he just prefers functioning at a very low level over being in a relationship that involves sharing or intimacy or expectations and obligations.
I completely understand. I
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I completely understand. I also dread the weekends. My husband works very long and intense hours during the week (by choice). On the weekends he stays home and collapses from exhaustion. I become his full time servant. He rests and sleeps while I cook for him and care for him and clean up after him and do his laundry. I resent the situation because he's completely disconnected and there is no emotional connection between us. I am giving him very personal, one on one care and attention. I know that he'll never be able to do the same for me. I am truly lonely on the weekends.
Yep dvance...I hear you...
Submitted by c ur self on
(I don't need a list of ways I can do better at living with him, ways I can be more patient, ways I can embrace that chaos that is my husband. That is all a load of crap.)
I just had to smile at this comment...LOL....It doesn't really seem fair does it?
There seems to be almost Zero ability to truly communicate for so many of us....But after 9 years I'm still asking the same thing many of you are:...How does a marriage function w/ any sanity when the reality of our lives or so different we can't even discuss them??
Wishing you well under trying circumstance's....
With a Little Success Here
Submitted by kellyj on
To everyone in this thread. As I am saying this, I am saying this with a bit of humility. There have been things said to this...that are the same ones said repeatedly, and I don't know if this is just after working at this long enough...or if this is just my ability to "read"...what is happening with my wife when we communicate together? Without going any further into this, I will say this has been my single solitary focus for so long now....it's finally sinking in and I am finding my way around this issue of....."just discussing things"...or....."getting a straight answer" to a simple question? For so long, and for a while...I just stopped completely...trying to say anything or heaven forbid...ask a question since the end result was the same in every case. It would always lead to some kind of conflict seemingly...coming from my perspective of being on the short end of the stick. That's not blaming....that's taking the facts as they are...and the facts say....if I said nothing, asked nothing...then there was no conflict. But of course...those rules did not apply going in the other direction? Is that fair? Of course not. And that was what I was most focused on...getting around and finding another way?
What I have found through a great amount of toil and trouble....is exactly as it was recommended right from the start? That doesn't mean I knew "how to do it"..and that is what I think I am getting a handle on better along with the success that has come with it?
What's the single piece of advise that seems to work here? "Keep it short. Keep it simple and keep it to one single simple "thing" ...and go no further and just "stop" right there? I think this process of weeding it down..and whittling, and whittling...and chopping and finally getting down to this point...took some time since....this is not what I normally need to do with anyone else and I was just not sure, how MUCH...I had to whittle it down too? What is left...is exactly what I said. This is not...what I would call a conversation or discussion. This is like saying one paragraph of and entire essay or discussion.....one paragraph at a time. And then later....come back to paragraph two......and so on down the line until you finally get all that you needed to say....out which never occurs in the same sitting...or all at once? That...is what took me a long time to get too....but that is the only way I have found to actually "discuss" anything?
In the past...every attempt would get to a place where "I don't want to talk about it" would randomly just interrupt the procession and then ....that was it? My wife was done at that point...which is what I have found....that actually meant? "I'm done for now".....replaces..."I don't want to talk about it"....but sometimes....it means exactly that? Those are the times...when something needs to be said..and never does...because it was interrupted, before I even got a chance right in the middle of a sentence?
This became especially frustrating...when that piece of logic was missing...and there was no way without that piece there....that this was not going to be a problem for me...if I did not address this? When I could see...that what was being said...was either "impossible" ..without a problem for me in it somewhere down the line as I could see ...'clearly in that moment"...in that...what was said clearly wasn't going to work in the way my wife thought it would without thinking this through and seeing the cause and effect further on down the line? Which meant....I was stepping into a booby trap situation and I was going to be the booby. Simply put. LOL
That....just simply, was not going to work or continue if we were going to stay clear of trouble? And the only way that was going to happen....was if I was able to communicate..."why this wasn't going to work"....and then....."how to do it differently"...which was the source of most of our conflicts? That was...a catch 22....but where there is a will...there is a way?
The way...is exactly what I said? It may not be exactly what you want...but it beats a poke in the eye with a blunt stick any day. LOL
Just my two bits thrown in here..and saying what works? So far so good since we have stopped doing what we were doing before?
Keeping it short....Yes J, I agree, it is the secret to success!
Submitted by c ur self on
("just discussing things"...or....."getting a straight answer" to a simple question?)
When things can't be heard properly, discerned properly, or words can't be formed properly it makes it very difficult to communicate. So many people in this life take it for granted how easily they can communicate in conversation...They shouldn't!! LOL...
When most every attempt to communicate...(questions, statements, information sharing) is not received and respected as your spouses desire and right to share information and exchange simple thoughts and pleasantries....But, instead prompts an immediate thought process that says, Analyze the content and judge it based on my inability to not look for negativity in all statements (caused by?? Only heaven knows!!!) and speak my feelings (control, outburst, adamant, point out any and all grammatical errors) then I'm learning to choose "Short or not at all"
Acceptance....Some minds just can't hear what is being said w/o looking first between the lines...And if there isn't anything between the lines....then just inserting something negative anyway in order to end the dialog...Especially if the content means self awareness in any form...Nope to painful, and the spouse is the last person on earth I will humble myself in front of.....When this is the reality of simple communication attempts....Then there is no such thing as simple communication in this type of marriage!
So lose the word Simple....(talking to myself here :).....
It's amazing how much more peace is in the relationship and my own personal life....I'm not blaming the above statements of fact solely on my spouse...I've been guilty of dragging around baggage over the years that has limited my ability to hear and accept her realities without causing conflict.... My self-righteousness and blindness to my own fears caused much of what I'm trying to humbly and prayerfully undo!
In my marriage a kiss and a hug is enough...Save my words for my own self-awareness soliloquies
You and Me Both My Friend
Submitted by kellyj on
You and me both!! I am learning the same things you are...all the time! LOL
Except for the soliloquies. I save that for here ( LOL...it is how I write!! LOL working on that one but it's a work in progress ) ...but oddly, not in person like my wife does which is a big difference between us? That's that rhetorical kind of ....talking to yourself out loud with the other person in the room sitting there listening to you? That was kind of an interesting moment when I finally able to explain that what she was doing was venting about me in person amd she realized that and said yes..."I am venting"
And then I said...."it's probably best, to vent to someone other than the person you are venting about while they are still in the room with you...just an FYI for ya there." And my wife gave that deer in the headlights look, which pretty much told me that she was not really understanding WHY....you shouldn't do this? ( directly too that specific person standing in front of you that is )
Less talking.....more expressing it in other ways I guess? Like you said...just a kiss and hug does wonders all by itself? Don't look a gift horse in the mouth as they say? Right? lol