Well my husband and I have had what feels like the same conversation...accelerating to arguments frequently...that we've had numerous times over our married life. He HATES to discuss finances & hates to do some of the paperwork for our business.
Every year about this time I start getting really stressed out because I needed to have already received paperwork from him to get everything ready to do our taxes. I am CFO of our business (which is just he and I--with him doing most of the actual work), and I also volunteer full time, and we share house duty and cooking, so we are insanely busy and when anything gets behind it throws everything off. I usually end up working through the night several nights in a row to get things lined up that he should have already done and that he has promised to do. It is just part of doing business, and in this economy the idea of getting him a secretary or whatever is simply completely unfeasible.
I used to really push staying on top of it all the time. One big budget meeting before the month begins and several check ups through the month to help both of us stay on track. 3 things weighed into disorganized way we are doing it now (which is the way he wants to do it--though the result is not working. He wants to just know what the bills are and assume everything else is spendable--little to no monthly saving and even insurance bills, buying tires, anything that is a several hundred dollar expense is difficult to handle this way).
1. He was so resistant to actually discussing the budget that though we'd set up a time, he'd say he was prepared to do it, but it was like pulling teeth that I just couldn't keep dragging him along--and it was dragging usually even when he said he agreed with what we were doing and the goals it was helping is meet
2. We were making more money so a tight budget wasn't as necessary and
3. We made a major life change 2 years ago. We both wanted this and it is a goal of our marriage together, but he is ideally suited for this situation and I am not. It involved learning a foreign language (which he mostly already knew) and being absorbed in a foreign culture. I resist change whereas he is a very admirably go-with-the-flow/be-happy-where-you-are kinda guy. With all the extra stress and the time consumption this brought into my life, I really didn't have the emotional energy to do much more than ask for a meeting....which he'd always agree to, but the result was never a budget. I kept up with both our business and personal accounts and kept the books balanced but not much more the first year.
Last year at tax time it really hit the fan and I said NEVER NEVER AGAIN. Expecially as we never were paid for some work we did. We agreed that he would put all his invoices in one place organized by month and that at the end of each month, he'd provide me with a report of exactly which accounts paid us and for what services so that I could know exactly who's paid and what is owed.
Before anyone asks I have offered MYRIADS of times to take over the invoicing but he insists on doing it, and after some hiccups we have streamlined the process and set up checklists so that this actually goes smoothly now. It was adding this extra report that he could not/would not do. It is literally less than 1 hour of work. All the invoices are already printed out and should be filed. Just type up who was invoiced and when so that I can check that against what we received. I have asked in every way a person can ask for these reports. THEY HAVE TO BE DONE!! I have offered to just do them. He will not allow me to do them, and he will not do them. It is Feb 2010 and I have not gotten ONE from last year....he is very genuinely sorry and apologetic and always swears he will get them to me *today* this has been going on for like 7 months. I talk to him about it weekly. He promises to do it immediately then does not do it. I am ready to scream!
The end of December we had a serious conversation about how this year was NOT going to go this way. We scheduled 3 seperate budget meetings in January....not one happened. We have scheduling discussions and he's doing better in every way with a new doctor and coach, but the budgetting he is just resistant to in a way I cannot understand. I was gone for a week in the middle of January and other than work he had the entire week to goof off to his hearts content. I asked two things.....that the house be straightened up when I got home (it was clean when I left and acceptable when I got home) and that he have at least 1 quarter's reports to give me on returning home (still haven't seen them though he claims the first quarter is done).
While i was gone he told me he got the first quarter done and that he might just keep going and do them all. I have asked for the first quarter a minimum of 10 times including twice today. He always says he'll get them right away.....still never seen them.
I exploded tonight. He is sorry...he knows he should have given them to me...he just got distracted and forgot. Before he left tonight I asked for them so that I could start on the tax forms since I unexpectedly have the evening off......he walked into his office and then left for work never having brought them out which I didnt realize till he left. Which is when I called him furious.
Tonight I just was not going to take anything for an answer other than an explanation for why he keeps putting us through this. He finally offered that he doesn't really want to know the truth about our finances. He knows when we have a budget that his *blow* money is reduced and that he has to pay more attention to what he spends when he is out working--he and a coach are supposedly working on this too. He hates to know that he overspent a category even though we have discussed that a budget is a tool to get you what you want. If you spend on things on purpose rather than impulsively then you get what you want instead of finding out that you blew all the money for that item on fast food that you didn't need or whatever.
Verbally he agrees with all the reasons to have a budget, but I was devastated to hear that basically his personal feeling about having a budget (avoid it at all costs....it limits you...it makes things no fun) is unchanged since we made the first budget he'd ever experienced 8 years ago. All our discussions and all our goals and deep inside he still feels the same. This is the part of his ADD that I hate the absolute most. He has the ability to believe somethign against all evidence to the contrary. Verbally he'll concede but his real view never changes and therefore his actions in that area change very little.
I asked him if he's actually enjoyed how financially difficult it has been these last 2 years when I haven't been paying close attention to the money because I've been too overwhelmed with other things. He says no because I am always stressed about it when I have to balance everything.
I don't know how to get on the same page with him. He says all the right things. He's listened to Dave Ramsey...read one of his books...he *sees* all the value, but he just hates it. He said tonight (for the upteenth time) that he knows his way doesn't work, so regardless of how he feels about it, we'll go with budgetting. But I don't want to drag him along on this issue anymore.....and I want our financial life to be a full team effort. How have you handled this issue???