Super Pickle with ADHD hubby

So, this is gonna be a very long and probably hard to follow post. I need to vent about it, in a safe place, before this whole thing and all my emotions that go with it kill me. Hubby of 10yrs has un-medicated, untreated, un-managed (other then limited coping/mgmt tactics they have learned on their own prior to DX of ADHD by the Army when they were 18). Our household consists of me, hubby, our 2yr old daughter, hubbys BFF and the best friends teenage daughter. BFF has psychogenic non-epileptic seizures from PTSD from childhood, more during teens and then the thing that sent him over the edge was more untreated PTSD from his time deployed. BFF is pretty misogynistic. 2 failed marriages, a daughter and son from the first one, and both kids are pretty messed up (son is actually a ward of the state they are from). Hubby was abused by mom (for being a boy, and not a girl) when younger, and had to help significantly in the raising of his 3 younger sisters. He is good with communication, but not understanding other peoples emotions or listening to their side of things. if he feels he is right, there is no amount of convincing him otherwise without an enormous amount of facts to back up your point (and emotions cant be proven by facts or statistics).

The BFF has been getting significantly and we dont agree with some of this avoidant tactics for raising his daughter. Hubby comes to me out of the blue about a week ago and says that he wants both BFF and the daughter to get better and have better lives, and wants to offer to adopt her so that the BFF can get the full treatment that he needs to get over the decades of untreated PTSD and unmanageable seizures from stress. Now, it *IS* the right thing to do. We have more means then the BFF, we are able to be more emotionally supportive of the girl, and thus give the father the break he needs to be able to get treatment without having to worry about what will happen to her. The issue i have, is the relationship that we all have. I am very much the outcast. The BFF and I have nothing in common, and up until recently, have gotten into some incidents of disrespect. I have had to be the bad guy in the last 6mo we have all started living together. The one to point out house chores that need to be redone or completed, the one to have the burden of cleaning the entire living space for everyone, cooking meals (which i have slacked on a lot due to ungratefulness, picky eaters and being exhausted also having to raise our 2yr pretty much alone). The teen left her dead rotting hamster in its cage in the open loft area for over a month :x Until finally i made a huge deal and others started noticing. It was so disgusting and they still to this day try to claim that the hamster was not in the cage any longer and it couldnt have been from that (PS: i have pics of it IN that cage, deceased, the day she finally cleaned the cage out, and more of the hamster in the garbage after she threw out the cage bedding). My hubby does not support me on my annoyances, because to him, his BFF and the daughter are perfect or have valid reasons for what they do. That its my fault things go the way they do in the house - either i am too selfish, too bossy, too picky, lazy, am not approaching the issues correctly etc. I do not like this girl. We get along in just the bare minimums. I find her to be manipulative and stuck up. I do fully admit, i do not get along with females, but until a week ago, I had no reason to work on it because she is not a peer.

Now, her and my hubby get along great. They kid around a lot, lots of hugs, and for a long time she would insist on sitting next to him anytime the spot was open. So now, we are adopting her. She thinks this is great, because everything 'bad' her father did is changing. We are better off then him, so I can tell already she is just seeing all the stuff she gets now vs what she could have with her dad. She only talks to hubby about things, and will only talk to me bruskly, if he asks her to or if i initiate. This whole thing is making me sick to my stomach. Our 2yo daughter and I get so little of my hubbys time as it is. He carpools with the BFF, they work on cars together, they go help each other with whatever else you can think of, while me and our baby are left to our own devices. I have felt completely abandoned by hubby since we had the daughter (our first). As soon as he went back to worth after 6weeks, he just stopped caring. He would have his friends over more and more often in the evenings, and they would then go out and do things together - hobbies or dinner/food - while i was cooped up in our room nursing or trying to get our infant to sleep/taken care of. They would sometimes stay until 10 or 11pm, and then finally leave, he would come in and say goodnight and that was it. If she chose me over him, you could see him get mad and then almost dismissive of her. When he wants me to do something with her, its "You need to take your baby", "get YOUR baby" etc. its always 'Your Baby'. Even other people were noticing and would say something to me. Eventually, during an argument we were having, even his BFF chimed in about him saying that. Fast forward to 6mo ago and we now all live together while we wait for our new home to be built. They will also be moving in with us there as well. I was starting to break down. He finally would take her 1 day on the weekend, but i had to leave the house or else she would just become my responsibility to watch again. This lasted about a month. Now i feel guilty for leaving her with him, or asking him for any help with her and anytime i do mention something he then says "She's my baby too ya know. I can take care of her". Yet he doesnt. He wont change a diaper unless there is some monumental reason i cannot (IE: i am cutting up raw chicken right then for dinner and its all over my hands).

He always says he has a soft spot for little girls, esp those he sees as being abused in some way. The BFF is completely emotionally off to the world due to the physical manifestation of pain that the repressed emotions have caused. I agree that its the right thing to do. But that isnt making it any easier, esp when they are just becoming more and more close, excluding me and the baby more, and anytime i bring up how i feel, i am told that i am being selfish, catty and mean. He has already been doing things with her that i havent been able to get him to do with me in our entire marriage. He will go into the store with her for any reason, at the drop of a hat. He will fight me tooth and nail to not have to go into a store, or even sit in the car in the parking lot. He is also wanting to buy her things and give her experiences that we havent even done, or things i always put off due to the costs. I go years between buying new shoes, but finally got a new pair last week. Immediately he was talking about wanting to buy her some too, without even asking. He wants to "spoil his girls" but he didnt give a shit about spoiling me a week ago. Its breaking my heart and bringing up a bunch of abandonment issues i had when we first got married. He then tells me how shitty of a person i am because i dont love her as much as he does. Because I dont have the same level of relationship with her that he does. I tried to tell him that he is going to be that way with him, because she is used to the women in her life in any sort of mom or authority role being demonized by her father (her mom is a real POS, so thats a valid and earned label). As an example, she was quiet all day today. I invited her to go to Target with me, because i knew she needed something for school (she forgot she needed it). It was like pulling teeth to get her to talk. She just wasnt interested in being around me, but didnt want to be stuck in the house. We get home, pick up hubby and prepare to go to get lunch. Every momemt i was not in the room, or within earshot, she was talking to him. The moment i would come around, she would quickly finish what she was saying and then be quiet again. Lots of laughter, lots of joking. Everyone who meets her and sees her interact with hubby says she has a crush on him. Then she got a txt that put her into a bad mood, and so then she was quiet for everyone. Until we swing by our new house and i stay in the car with the baby (Wait a second, its MY new house, shouldn't she be staying or at least offering, while i go and get to look?!). they come back 10mins later laughing and smiling and talking etc. Then silence the moment they get in. Just frowns and seriousness out of her again. This continued while i was doing chores around the house. She sat angry faced and silent while i was in the room, and then would immediately be talking, very quietly, the moment i left. Its driving me up a wall, and i cant stand her behavior and the fact that his real family are being neglected. He wont listen even when i do try to explain myself. Its that ADHD hyperfocus. Plus he's got Knight In Shining armor complex and wants to save everyone. But in this case, he is saving them and I am the monster that needs to be felled. Sorry its so long, and i guess not wholy about ADHD, but i feel like his ADHD is definitely playing a large part in his reactions to all of this.