Suspecting that husband has ADD... ?

Hi,

I've read a bit about ADD symptoms, and they seem to fit my husband to a T.  Can anyone tell me if my suspicions are accurate?  Here are some of his traits that are red flags:

-MISTAKES: He has trouble owning up to his mistakes (impulsive spending, bringing drugs into the house, paying bills late and defaulting on loans.)  Absolutely freaks out if i call him out on mistakes...  says things like "I'm a loser, I can't do anything right" and has extreme difficulty finding solutions.  Even ones that seem obvious.  He gets overwhelmed easily too.  He says he gets defensive because of the tone I'm using, but honestly, even with a gentle tone he still is this way... there is always an excuse for his behavior, and is appalled when, now, there are boundaries and consequences.

-DISORGANIZATION: he's disorganized at home, at work, constantly floundering.  He doesn't seem to know how to slow down.  Organization to him is buying more stuff, puttering then forgetting about it, then buying more.  At work, he is a "yes man" and does others' jobs, so there's little time for his own, and he's almost always overwhelmed.  He's been in school for seven+ years, plodding along, without any real drive to finish.  He said he's afraid to finish because he's afraid to fail.  It's been hard to get him to be responsible around the house - he fights any housework, then is upset that the house doesn't feel like his.  Says he needs a list for him to do chores.  (A list that says.. pick up after yourself?)

-DEPRESSION: Huge.  Beats himself up and blames the rest on me.  Says he has nightmares about his failures, how his life is a failure.  He waits for me to pull him out of this depression - if only I would give him more affection, etc, then everything would be okay.  And that his home life is the cause for his screw ups at work.  He has seemed depressed for six months now, he keeps trying to bait me - setting up impossible situations so he can lash out, I guess bringing me down to his level. 

-ADDICTIONS: iphone, video games, compulsive spending, booze, sex, adrenaline you name it.  He is in denial of these addictions. 

He feels out of control to me.  Help, what should I do?  He's seeing a therapist and she hasn't diagnosed anything; he feels he doesn't need to go on the antidepressants she recommended.  Meanwhile he's still feeling "low" and I can't do or say anything right, so I try not to react to his mind games.

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Well....  Let me say your

Well....  Let me say your husband sounds just like mine without the video game and Iphone addictions...  I am no doctor but feel like we are living the same life.  We were at a therapist about 3 1/2 yrs ago and she told him after the 3rd appts he had ADHD.  He totally didn't agree and was not open to taking any meds.  He was against the entire thought! 

About 4 months ago, I hit my breaking point and asked him to leave.  He rushed right out and got an appt with a therapist who began to treat him for depression.  I was NOT convinced this was depression.  It was very hard to agree that anti-depression meds were going to fix all the experiences I had!  I searched and found the "old" therapist and made an appt by myself!  I explained our history since our last visit with her and also explained what the new therapist was saying.  I told her I am just not convinced that treating depression was going to fix all the symptoms I see everyday - all day!  Now, 3 1/2 yrs later, we are back with the original therapist!  And I am at a complete relief with her because I really do feel that we are working towards a REAL solution to our issues.  He has been on meds for about 4 days and I already see a different and he feels one to.  If he willing to see someone then why waste your time going to the wrong person or being treated for the wrong thing. 

My Suggestion: (and I not specialist)

  1. Get on line and do a screening test for ADHD - I found one on Amenclinics.com You do one for him and have him do one on his own - compare notes
  2. Bring it up to his therapist...  It won't hurt!  Tell them you did your own research!
  3. Get on line and research technics of dealing with an ADHD partner.  For your own sanity!  It will help - trust me! 

I can tell you that the best thing for me during this entire process - is once you understand the situation and the condition - is a relief to know it all wasn't on purpose!  It helps me everything day as we work on making this right!  Best of Luck and we are in this together!

He doesn't take care of his

He doesn't take care of his teeth.  Sometimes he forgets to brush them before he goes to work... gross!  His hair is ok, but his feet are gross.  Scaly.   

Sex...  he has lots of anxiety.  Erectile dysfunction.  Premature... you know.  He thinks he needs sex for a boost.  Then he gets it and it's not enough.  He still doesn't feel good.

He can help with housework when he wants to.  I get the feeling it's a lot of pressure on him.  I do get accused of being a neatfreak. 

Yes, relationship problems are my fault.  He says I don't listen properly.  (listen means I have to agree with his plight or his irrational decision.)  So I tell him to spit it out and he says "forget it, it's not worth explaining to you."  Or it's my tone.  When I try to be sweet, he still blames it on my tone.

I forgot to mention he had ADD as a child.