Swung 180 Degrees and now the rules are different?!?!?!?!

Here is my frustration for today:

I struggled with anorexia and bulimia from age 19 to about 30.  15 years of struggle.  "No quick fix."  was what I heard from psychiatrists/counselors.   My spouse used to come with me to some of my counseling.  The focus was me:  my issues; how I coped with emotional pain through the eating disorder behavior; how difficult it was for  my spouse to be hopeless in 'making' me eat differently. 

I knew it was me with the  issues.  Yes, I knew it was me. He knew it was me.  Me. Me. Me.  And I heard things along the lines of "Oh, Mr. I'm So exhausted, how lucky she is to have your support.  This issue is so tough to deal with.  It is so hard to watch a loved one struggle."  I considered myself 100% out of the struggle at age 35.

3 years after the end of that struggle,  the ADHD realm entered our lives when we realized our 3rd grade son has an ADHD wired brain.  And soon I realized my husband had an ADHD wired brain.  (So in reality, ADHD had always been in our marriage - we just didn't know it.)

Fast forward 19 more years.  Lots of marriage counseling.  And you know what I am longing for?

To sit in a counselor's office, and have a counselor say "Oh, Mrs. I'm So exhausted, how lucky HE is to have YOUR support.  This issue is so tough to deal with.  It is so hard to watch a loved one struggle."

Selfish, maybe, but man it would be so nice.  

There was not kid-gloves in addressing my anorexia.  It was clear to me it could kill me - it was made clear to my spouse it could kill me. Yep, we both heard the psychiatrist say to me, "If you lose one more pound, I am slapping you in the hospital." I really think that was my turning point.  

Why is ADHD counseling so different?  Why do we have to protect his ego?  Why do I have to walk on egg shells and have to worry about making him feel bad?

Very confusing.   

No one should be nasty.  No one should be accusing.  I'm just talking about REAL.  Most of my issues stemmed from being a people pleaser.  Losing myself, so others would be happy.  Funny that I did the same thing in my marriage.  Lost myself, so my spouse would be happy.  This is part of my own reality.  Part of where my stubborn-ness comes from.  A huge part of why my heels are dug in.

I once again heard from my spouse how sympathetic his new ADHD coach is to him  - as he does not have a spouse who will enter into counseling with him.  

Grrr.  I wish he would tell her that he/we have tried 15 various counselors, but he has yet been able to take responsibility for anything. . . . . . . .   I wish he would say we did the Dr. Phill Relationship Rescue in 2009 - and our lives were transformed into a living dream . . . . . but within 9 months time, he didn't/couldn't/wouldn't do the work so it all fell back to a big mess.  

I know that worked.  He refuses to revisit it.  Don't know why. . . . . . . 

I had it for a while in my grubby  little paws.  I know it is a possibility.  I just need/want/hope it could happen again.  

And that is a " Moment of Time with I'm So Exhausted" for today .